1. New and Improved: Which is it? If it's new, then we haven't seen it before so we aren't sure how good it is, and so, can't improve upon it just yet. If it's improved, we have seen it, noted the flaws, and fixed them. Again, I ask, which one is it? I can't be both because it's an oxy-fucking-moron. That's like telling me that my only choice is X. If I have choices, I have more than one. Using oxymorons is just a confusing and stupid way to express yourself. Avoid it at all costs.
2. Two heads are better than one: Why would anyone want two heads? Are you joining the circus? You are assuming that the one original head is faulty and that the two in combination are somehow superior. You are assuming the value of each head and concluding that the two have more value than the first one. Trust me, my one brain outsmarts most of you in mass quantities. Also, having two heads is nothing but unwieldy and awkward. Bumping heads doesn't increase intelligence, it just increases risk of concussion. Don't be ridiculous, one smart person trumps 30 idiots putting their collective "heads together" any day of the week.
3. I'm only human: Like the rest of us. And, may I ask, what is the alternative for you or someone like you? We are all human, it's not an excuse to be an asshole or inept.
4. I thought to myself: As opposed to? Who else can you think to...are you able to transmit messages via the mind? Thought implies inside one's own head, not the head of a friend or colleague. Mental activity can only take place in your OWN brain, if indeed, you are the one thinking. The only way to share it is to SPEAK. Let's try to remember this the next time you have a thought.
5. You know what I'm saying?: This phrase is often peppered heavily throughout the conversation when the person speaking isn't very bright. I think they ask so often because they aren't sure themselves. Perhaps their vocabulary is so limited, they assume everyone else's is, too. Allow me to clarify, I'm neither deaf nor mentally deficient. Unless you are speaking gibberish, I know what you are saying. Stop asking every five fucking words.
6. Can we talk?: Aren't we already by virtue of you opening your cake hole and speaking TO me? I'm not mute, so I can talk, too. Therefore, it is assumed that we CAN, indeed talk. Would you like to speak with me? Ahh, is that what you meant? Clearly your vocabulary is just as stunted as your friend with the "you know what I'm saying" issue. The appropriate question to ask would be, "May I speak with you?" Because, really, I'm guessing you are asking permission, not confirming my ability to form words.
7. Tell you the truth or the truth be told: So, this time you are being honest? As opposed to all the other times when you didn't preface it that way and were actually lying? I'm trying to clarify for the next time we speak so I know which end of the truth is coming out of your mouth. I've noticed that people use this phrase after being asked their opinion. Since an opinion is not fact, it's subjective...it's hopefully going to be a true statement. Lying about your opinion is just a ploy to get attention or fit in...you aren't one of THOSE, are you???
8. Guesstimate, Informercial, and the other asinine combo words created by corporate America: Compound words are one thing, like baseball, lifetime, and grandmother...all acceptable terms. They exist in the dictionary from my childhood (another compound word) and make sense. What the fuck is a guesstimate? Isn't the act of estimating actually a guess? Isn't a commercial meant to inform? Your lame-ass creations are nothing but repetitive shit intended to sound intelligent. There's nothing smart about repeating yourself and not even knowing it's happening. Mouth-breathing dimwit!
9. No time like the present: I guess this one is true. The present only happens at that particular moment and once it passes it becomes the past. Looking forward, all you have is the future. So, in this instance it is factual. However, people use this phrase to point out that this time, right now, is the best time to do some activity. Yet, I have to ask you, can you do something 5 minutes ago? Unless you've perfected time travel, the only options you have are now...or sometime in the future.
10. Beg to differ: Have you ever seen someone actually beg to differ when their opinion is not the same as yours? Most people "beg to differ" with a certain amount of righteous indignation, and certainly do NOT beg. I'd actually love for someone with a differing opinion beg me to change my mind. Lord knows, that will never happen in this lifetime.
11. What do I look like..?: Usually followed by something like, an asshole, a moron, or an idiot, this question kills me. Do you really want to know? That question opens you up to a plethora of insults which I am not sure you wanted. I'd love to have the option to fill in the blank on my own. Is that possible or are you very specifically asking if you look like an asshole? Most people don't look like a puckered anus, although some come pretty fucking close.
My point is, and I do have one, Americans need to brush up on what proper speech sounds like, erase these godawful phrases from their vocabulary, and start speaking like they have more than a kindergarten education. Most kindergarteners sound smarter than the folks who speak this way. Dare I say I've had more intelligent conversations with the children in the Preschool class where I work? Yes, I dare say. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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