1. The weather: "Hot enough for ya?" No, asshole, I prefer sticking my fucking head in the fireplace for maximum comfort, this is downright chilly. Why the fuck do people ask that question? When they aren't asking, they are complaining incessantly about the temperature. It's too hot, it's too cold, it's raining, it's snowing. Yes, those are the various weather conditions you may face throughout the year, get over it. Until climate can be controlled and changed at will, there's not a fucking thing you can do about, so shut the fuck up and dress appropriately for the weather.
2. Your parents: Aw, did they ask you to call them once in a while? Poor you, they are such pains in the ass! It's so hard to pick up the phone and talk for five minutes to the people who sacrificed their whole lives for you. Dammit, they want you to come visit? Christ, don't they know how busy you are doing nothing? God forbid you spent an afternoon with them. Please, tell me all about how you had to trudge from store to store with your fucking mom searching for the right mixing bowl. Poor you, your mom is actually alive. My heart bleeds a fucking river for you. Suck it up and appreciate what you have because one day, they'll be gone...and you'll be crying to me. Trust me, I won't have any sympathy then.
3. Your kids: I know they can be frustrating as hell, I have a teenager, I get it. But seriously, they aren't the devil's spawn. You created them, you made them who they are today. If you don't like what you see, it's on you. Your fuck ups are glaringly obvious when it comes to your children. They are like billboards advertising your shitty parenting. Not to mention, at least you have them. There are childless couples out there that would give up a kidney to have your so-called problems. Think before you open your cake hole.
5. Elevators that take too long: My GOD! Did it take a whole 17 seconds for that moving room to show up and carry your fat, lazy ass up two flights that you could have easily walked? Pressing the button repeatedly and bemoaning the amount of time it takes for the goddamn elevator makes you sound like a fucktarded, lazy shithead. You can't speed it up no matter how many times you hit the button or how hard you bang on it. Hang tight, chill the fuck out, and wait like everyone else standing there with you who now have the unfortunate plight of taking the elevator WITH you when it arrives.
6. Movie trailers: Do you mean they actually expect you to sit on your ass in the soft, reclining movie theater seats, chowing down on your extra grande popcorn and watch previews to OTHER movies besides the one you paid to see? Oh my fucking God, you have to view fairly entertaining scenes from other shows for free before watching your movie? Do you see how ri-goddamn-diculous you sound? What's the big fucking deal? You have your popcorn and soda, you've attained the seat you wanted, you are seated. How hard is this task? You can even use this time to obtain your snack supply and arrive right before the feature presentation. Nobody is forcing you to sit through such hell. Most of us use that time to see what's out there and perhaps select the next movie or three we'd like to see. Most of us have more common sense and don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
7. Pro Athletes: Before you jump ugly with me, I know they can piss you off from time to time. I have been known to scream at the TV on occasion. I understand how emotional sports can make a person. But I have to remind you, these people get paid millions to play a sport at which they are incredible, they know what they are doing...and they already know when they've fucked up. No matter how much you get pissed off at their faux pas, remember this, they will ALWAYS play the sport better than you. That's why they make a living at it, and you watch it on the television or pay big bucks to see it in person. Are we clear?
8. Fat and skinny people: As much as I hate to admit it, waiflike, skinny bitches really irritate the shit out of me. Why do some people get lightning fast metabolisms while the rest of us have to worry about looking at a donut too intensely? That being said, and the fact that I have often told a walking stick person or two to eat a fucking burger, I am fully aware that it is none of my business. I also know that most people are not happy with themselves. Skinny people want curves, fat people want to be thin. We all want to be what we are not. What you have to remember, what's really important here, is that they don't want your fucking opinion. Everyone knows what they look like and they don't care what you think. Unless you know the whole story, and even if you do, shut your flap trap and live your own life.
9. Being sick: Yes, you are sick. Yes, you feel like day old dog shit. Yes, you are miserable. We get it. Guess what? You aren't the first person to experience the flu. We've all had illnesses, some not as bad, and some far worse. What I don't understand, is why you are posting all over social media about it. When I don't feel well, I sleep. I stay in bed, watch TV, and sleep for hours and hours. When you are clogged up, coughing and hacking, have the shits, or a severe migraine...why the fuck are you all over the internet? How are you calmly reading and posting? Probably because you aren't that sick after all. Or, you are so pathetic that you require long distance sympathy for your sniffles. Either way, we don't care. Harsh, but true.
10. Being single: If you are complaining about being single to anyone who will listen and posting all over your favorite social media site about how much it sucks, I want you to realize that YOU and you alone are the cause of your supposed misery. People who bitch and whine about their lot in life are unpleasant to be around. Nobody wants to listen to someone who is perpetually unhappy and unsatisfied. And no one wants to date them. Think about it, ass clown.
I'd like to think I've helped at least one person become more bearable to be around, a better companion. These are just a few things about which you should consider stifling your yap. There are many more, but those who have made a habit out of complaining need to start somewhere. I've provided that launch pad and hope those who needed that push hop on and start acting like someone others want to befriend. Step by step, you can become personable, charming, enticing to potential friends and lovers. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Once a douche canoe, always a douche canoe. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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