The stupidity that flows from your mouth

The language skills of our country have gone steadily downhill. Between slang, ghetto, corporate-speak, and advertising ditties, English has been bastardized beyond recognition. I don't know about you, but I feel embarrassment for the dumb ass that actually speaks this way. Then I feel ashamed of myself for being associated with such fucktarded people. As a proud American, I'd like to experience pride in the residents of this great nation. Alas, I cannot. We have become a nation of moronic-speaking buffoons. I've compiled a list of words and phrases that really stick in my craw.

1. New and Improved: Which is it? If it's new, then we haven't seen it before so we aren't sure how good it is, and so, can't improve upon it just yet. If it's improved, we have seen it, noted the flaws, and fixed them. Again, I ask, which one is it? I can't be both because it's an oxy-fucking-moron. That's like telling me that my only choice is X. If I have choices, I have more than one. Using oxymorons is just a confusing and stupid way to express yourself. Avoid it at all costs.

2. Two heads are better than one: Why would anyone want two heads? Are you joining the circus? You are assuming that the one original head is faulty and that the two in combination are somehow superior. You are assuming the value of each head and concluding that the two have more value than the first one. Trust me, my one brain outsmarts most of you in mass quantities. Also, having two heads is nothing but unwieldy and awkward. Bumping heads doesn't increase intelligence, it just increases risk of concussion. Don't be ridiculous, one smart person trumps 30 idiots putting their collective "heads together" any day of the week.

3. I'm only human: Like the rest of us. And, may I ask, what is the alternative for you or someone like you? We are all human, it's not an excuse to be an asshole or inept.

4. I thought to myself: As opposed to? Who else can you think to...are you able to transmit messages via the mind? Thought implies inside one's own head, not the head of a friend or colleague. Mental activity can only take place in your OWN brain, if indeed, you are the one thinking. The only way to share it is to SPEAK. Let's try to remember this the next time you have a thought.

5. You know what I'm saying?: This phrase is often peppered heavily throughout the conversation when the person speaking isn't very bright. I think they ask so often because they aren't sure themselves. Perhaps their vocabulary is so limited, they assume everyone else's is, too. Allow me to clarify, I'm neither deaf nor mentally deficient. Unless you are speaking gibberish, I know what you are saying. Stop asking every five fucking words.

6. Can we talk?: Aren't we already by virtue of you opening your cake hole and speaking TO me? I'm not mute, so I can talk, too. Therefore, it is assumed that we CAN, indeed talk. Would you like to speak with me? Ahh, is that what you meant? Clearly your vocabulary is just as stunted as your friend with the "you know what I'm saying" issue. The appropriate question to ask would be, "May I speak with you?" Because, really, I'm guessing you are asking permission, not confirming my ability to form words.

7. Tell you the truth or the truth be told: So, this time you are being honest? As opposed to all the other times when you didn't preface it that way and were actually lying? I'm trying to clarify for the next time we speak so I know which end of the truth is coming out of your mouth. I've noticed that people use this phrase after being asked their opinion. Since an opinion is not fact, it's subjective...it's hopefully going to be a true statement. Lying about your opinion is just a ploy to get attention or fit in...you aren't one of THOSE, are you???

8. Guesstimate, Informercial, and the other asinine combo words created by corporate America: Compound words are one thing, like baseball, lifetime, and grandmother...all acceptable terms. They exist in the dictionary from my childhood (another compound word) and make sense. What the fuck is a guesstimate? Isn't the act of estimating actually a guess? Isn't a commercial meant to inform? Your lame-ass creations are nothing but repetitive shit intended to sound intelligent. There's nothing smart about repeating yourself and not even knowing it's happening. Mouth-breathing dimwit!

9. No time like the present: I guess this one is true. The present only happens at that particular moment and once it passes it becomes the past. Looking forward, all you have is the future. So, in this instance it is factual. However, people use this phrase to point out that this time, right now, is the best time to do some activity. Yet, I have to ask you, can you do something 5 minutes ago? Unless you've perfected time travel, the only options you have are now...or sometime in the future.

10. Beg to differ: Have you ever seen someone actually beg to differ when their opinion is not the same as yours? Most people "beg to differ" with a certain amount of righteous indignation, and certainly do NOT beg.  I'd actually love for someone with a differing opinion beg me to change my mind. Lord knows, that will never happen in this lifetime.

11.  What do I look like..?: Usually followed by something like, an asshole, a moron, or an idiot, this question kills me. Do you really want to know? That question opens you up to a plethora of insults which I am not sure you wanted. I'd love to have the option to fill in the blank on my own. Is that possible or are you very specifically asking if you look like an asshole? Most people don't look like a puckered anus, although some come pretty fucking close.

My point is, and I do have one, Americans need to brush up on what proper speech sounds like, erase these godawful phrases from their vocabulary, and start speaking like they have more than a kindergarten education. Most kindergarteners sound smarter than the folks who speak this way. Dare I say I've had more intelligent conversations with the children in the Preschool class where I work? Yes, I dare say. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Are you friggin kidding me right now???: The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but....

Are you friggin kidding me right now???: The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but....: When I was a teenager, I had an intense love affair with the phone. My mom would yell for me to get off over and over, but I enjoyed talking...

The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but..

When I was a teenager, I had an intense love affair with the phone. My mom would yell for me to get off over and over, but I enjoyed talking so much, I barely heard her. She eventually grew weary of the phone bill being sky-high and her friends being unable to get hold of her. That was when I proved my love by paying for all the local calls AND call-waiting. Then, when she yelled for me to get off, I could tell her that I paid the bill, I can talk as long as I want. Snotty little shit that I was.  But, in general, I had excellent phone manners. I knew how to answer politely, ascertain the identity of the caller, take a detailed message, and carry on a lovely conversation with whomever called at that moment. Many of my mom's friends and co-workers often mistook me for her when I'd answer the phone, my manners so mature and lovely. Didn't hurt that we not only looked alike, but sounded almost identical. But I digress. The point is, I had phone manners. People today do not.

When someone calls and asks to speak to my husband, nine times out of ten...this is not an exaggeration...they can have their question answered by me. Since I arrive home earlier than he does, I am usually the one who answers these irritating calls. After I've told you that he isn't home, this is his wife, may I help you...think about the nature of your call. If you are calling about a job opportunity, then I understand when you want to leave him a message rather than chat with me. But if you are calling to sell long distance service, ask about one of our bank accounts or credit cards, let me assure you, I possess the same amount of information and expertise on the topics and can easily help you if you weren't a sexist motherfucker. Alas, you are, and you want to speak to the man of the house. Why? Do you think the little lady can't make a decision about cell phone service? The little lady who probably has more education than you, random cold caller? It's definitely your loss, not mine. Know why? Because I won't even tell him you called, nor will I consider doing business with someone who thinks that women aren't smart enough to deal with such lofty matters.

Are you really asking me what phone number this is after I've spoken to you and listened to your spiel about whatever the fuck you are selling? You called ME, window licker...tell me what number you called. I'm not doing your job for you, if you don't know who you called, where is all this information coming from, anyway? This leads me to the person who calls my house and yells "Who's this?" when I answer. Seriously, how fucking stupid are you? You dialed the phone, you tell me. If you don't know because you are trying to reach the other two people who live here, you should also know who I am, as well. If you don't, then you don't know ANY of us and you are a pathetic excuse for a sales person and should probably be fired on the spot. But generally, the person who demands to know who I am isn't a sales person. I have no issue telling off a sales person, but I don't necessarily want to ream out the ass of someone's friend. Although, if this is the idiot you are calling a friend, you may want to rethink your friend circle a bit.

If the local police department was truly fundraising, do you think they'd actually call you personally? Or the fire department or any other public service department? They do not make those calls, nor do they enlist the help of a fundraising corporation to make those calls. If you doubt me, try asking them some questions the next time you get one of those calls. Ask where they are located, the name of the chief of police and who requested they make this call. While you are at it, ask where the fuck they got your phone number from, anyway? Right away you will find they make no sense and start to stammer all over themselves in an attempt to make up some convoluted bullshit response. A better idea would be just to hang up on them. Many folks haven't developed their sense of rude as keenly as I have, I am aware. I have no qualms about ripping someone a brand new asshole for calling before I hang up in the middle of myself screaming. I do this so I am actually hanging up on myself, not the jackass caller. A trick I learned from my grandpa, and I love it.

This is the era of technology, I know. But why can't I get a real human being on the other end any time I call a company? Why is everything automated? You can't possibly anticipate every question or problem I may be having, so how can you automate different options and think the list is complete? I will always skip to an operator as fast as possible, whether I hit zero or say "representative" or "operator," I assure you, I want a live body on the other end. Many times the automated systems crap out midway through the button pushing nightmare and you have to call back and start from the beginning, only to have it crap out again. Just because something is highly technical doesn't make it better. Sometimes talking to a person who can understand your particular situation and actually think of alternate ways to assist you is the superior option, far more so than the annoying recorded voice that often doesn't even recognize the number you've repeated four times and still hasn't transferred you to the correct department. We need real people manning the goddamn phones...who do you think is calling you, a machine?

Wrong numbers happen, I've fat fingered the phone key pad more times than I care to admit and have had to apologize to the stranger at the other end. What I don't do is argue with the person who answered and insist that I have the right number and they must hand the phone over to the person I am trying to reach. Explain to me why someone would argue with me about what MY phone number is? It's MY number, I know it by heart and can recite it anytime you'd like to hear it. How hard is it to admit you dialed wrong or perhaps wrote the number down incorrectly when it was given to you? We all make mistakes, own it and move on. Don't scream at me, pester me, and tell me that I am wrong and the number you've dialed is correct. It's not, I don't know you and now I don't like you. Another thing I won't do is call the same wrong number back a second time...and I certainly won't insist that THIS time I am right, dammit. I've had this happen to me and have been tempted to try to reach through the phone and rip the person's throat out. Don't be a loud wrong with me, I am louder and will win this battle.

When you call a different time zone, be aware of the time difference. Know the amount of hours you must add or subtract to your local time BEFORE you dial the number. I can't tell you how many calls I've received on a Saturday morning at 6:30am from some ass wad on the East Coast who has no idea that we are three hours EARLIER and can't comprehend why I am now yelling at them about the time difference, math, their brand of stupid, and why they should never call me ever again. My favorite response is, "Oh, I didn't know I was calling California." Really, you didn't? When you didn't recognize the area code as anything on your coast, it didn't set off alarm bells in your head? And, tell me, you truly have no idea what area of the country you are targeting today? That's the biggest pant load of shit I've ever heard. You didn't know, my fat ass. A little piece of advice, if you don't recognize the area code, look it up before you call or just assume they are on the opposite coast. Either way you won't piss someone off by waking them up before dawn's ass crack.

Sales calls should never come. But since that will never happen, let me amend that statement. Sales calls should never come during the dinner hour. Again, this could be a time zone issue, but if it isn't and you are just one of those rude fucks who use the dinner hour to ensure they actually get someone at home, don't expect me to be pleasant about it. I've asked if I can have their number so I can call them back during dinner another day. They never seem to want to share that info with me. I guess that may be because it's fucking rude as hell to call while people are eating with their families. Maybe it's because they don't like phone calls from total strangers trying to swindle money out of them for some nonsense item or service they have no interest in or they'd have called first. Who knows? What I do know is that if you call me, be ready for a headache, and perhaps the shock of a lifetime. I'm going to scream words that will make a sailor blush to ensure you understand how much the call is NOT appreciated.

Can we please bring back phone manners? It may be retro of me to want that, but isn't retro IN right now? Not that I care about being IN or current. I'd like to speak to real live people on the phone not machines. I want callers to check the number before they dial and maybe even ascertain the coast they are calling. Admit when you've fucked up and dialed incorrectly, it's far more classy than arguing with the person on the other end who knows their own phone number. Show some respect for women and speak to us like we are in possession of a functioning and educated brain instead of insisting that you need to speak to our husbands.  Some husbands aren't that bright. Mine is extremely intelligent...but that isn't always the case in every household. And don't forget there are the ones where the head of household IS a woman. Don't piss off the person who answered the phone, is that too much to ask? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Types of friends to avoid or kick to the curb

We all need friends, that much is true. But do we really need the friends we have? They fall under many different categories, some positive and some horrific. I've compiled a list of the horrific ones to help you weed through the people in your life and see if you still want contact with them. The list of people you call friends probably is heavy in the acquaintance arena and not so dense in the actual friend sector. That being said, the ones you consider true friends may still fall into one of these categories...some may shock you, others will force you to open your eyes to the truth.

1. Life Sucking Lily: Some folks think you were put on this planet to assist them through every aspect of their lives. Not only assist, but make them feel better. They overload you with details about everything that is going on in their world and expect you to pick them apart, searching for the deeper meaning of each occurrence. The deeper meaning and how they can improve it or kick it to the curb. If they'd only listen to you, this type of friend has the potential to make you feel like a sage, a lifesaver, a hero. The problem is, they don't ever listen. Not the first time, not the second, not the 423rd. Forcing you to put your own needs aside, you give and you give...and they take and take some more, leaving you physically and emotionally drained. The problem is, you truly care about this friend. You want what's best for them, for them to be happy. Here's a secret...they will NEVER be happy, with or without your help. Think about it. Life is too short to waste on this one.

2. Me Me Mimi:  She's always in a bind. Can you babysit for a few hours while she runs a few errands? Do you have an extra sleeping bag for her kid's sleepover? Maybe you can run it over to her because she simply can't leave the house right now? This chick thinks nothing of asking you to kennel your cat when she visits because she has allergies. God forbid she takes a fucking pill before she comes over. Make sure you have the correct bottled water when she arrives otherwise she will dehydrate at your home and it will be all your fault. Believe it or not, she thinks nothing of making these requests of you. She feels entitled to the things she desires, and since you are her friend, you should be willing to accommodate. The fun part of this friendship...ask her for a favor. See what happens. It is amazing how many appointments and errands she has to run the moment you actually need her to help you. Don't bother counting on her for anything. The only needs she will satisfy are her own.

3. Bullshitting Brenda: Poor, poor Brenda. She has so little self-esteem that she feels she needs to fabricate things to keep up with you and your life. She sees you as someone she aspires to be...so she pretends that she is. Sometimes she will tell you one story and a mutual friend something completely different. Trying to suit her audience and accommodate the level of trust she has for each of you, the "facts" she is conveying will be very specific to the one to whom she is speaking. Check in with the mutual friend after having a talk with Brenda. If she has spoken with Brenda, too, compare notes. A $250,000 house in your conversation may be a $500,000 house in the conversation she had with your friend. You'll never really know the truth because she likes it that way. Her version of the truth suits the way she views your relationship. If she feels above you, her truth may suffice as is, but should she feel you trump her in any way, her version of truth may be padded for your benefit. What I can't understand, is why you bother with her anyway? How can you have someone in your life whom you can never believe?  Kick this twat to the curb. Her issues are not yours.

4. Competitive Connie: Very similar to Brenda, Connie may also have issues with conveying the actual truth. She feels like she not only has to keep up with you, she has to surpass you. In everything. If you buy new shoes, Connie is a day behind you, and hers are more expensive and bear a schnazzier nametag. When you go on vacation, she's busily booking her next three getaways. Connie cannot be outdone, and she won't. Don't try to start an exercise routine, she will start three and lose more weight in two weeks than you could possibly in two months. She has to look better and have more than you to feel remotely good about herself. Why she chose you as her competition, you'll never really know. But rest assured, the games never end. Morphing from one into the next, you'll find yourself struggling to beat her out just to say you can. Don't turn into Connie. She's a cunt with inferiority issues that probably have their genesis in her childhood. You can't fix her, you can't beat her, and you certainly don't want to become her.

5. Single White Female: A close relative of Connie, SWF doesn't want to compete with you, she worships you. She wants to BE you. If that isn't creepy enough, wait until you show up at work wearing the identical outfit. She'll just smile and tell you how much she loves your style...as you are slowly backing away from her in abject fear. Piece by piece, she'll own most of your wardrobe, makeup, and accessories. Eventually, she will begin to sound like you as she adopts your vocabulary and mimics your inflection and tone. Explain to me why the fuck you'd keep her as a friend? Unless you feel safer keeping her close...

6. Psychoanalyst Sally: No, she isn't really a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or social worker. She fancies herself an expert on the mind, personality disorders, and relationships. Picking apart all your flaws, the flaws of your mate, your children, and your family, she takes great joy in bestowing upon you all her worldly advice. Of course, you didn't ask for it. That's ok, she doesn't wait for your plea for help, she doesn't need it. Her knowledge needs no invitation. You are clearly in need of her assistance and she is more than willing to give it in vast quantities. Should you be a complete and total flailing loser who requires constant advice and help in every area of your life, hold on to Sally, she's your life raft. But if you are anything like me, her help is as welcome as sharp fingernails being dragged down a lecture hall-sized blackboard.  Stay as far away from her as possible...out of her radar.

7. Whiny Wendy: There is nothing in her life that makes her happy. Not a damn thing. How do you know this? She tells you all goddamn day long. Her job sucks, her mate is useless, her mother calls too much, her brother doesn't call enough, her hair is one constant bad hair day, she's too fat, too thin...not one thing in her world is as it should be. When she can't access your ears in person or on the phone, and you don't respond to her texts, she takes the next road and posts all over social media sites, bitching and moaning about her day for God and everyone to see. Unless you have the patience of a saint or are partially deaf, just let her find a new sucker to emotionally drain and annoy.

8. Raincloud Rita: If you've ever watched SNL and seen the character played by Rachel Dratch, Debbie Downer, you know exactly what I mean without me typing any further. Should you be SNL ignorant, and shame on you if you are, let me explain. This chick is a walking rain cloud. She can take the joy out a newborn. Always ready to tell you all the potential bad, danger, evil, and problems with the current situation, Rita sucks the happy out of any room she enters. If you have even the smallest spot on your shirt, she points it out. That zit you were hoping was sufficiently covered, she notices and points out loudly. Are you about to go on vacation via airplane? She knows all the potential flight hazards and plane crash statistics for the airline you are using. She is a walking, talking buzzkill and has no place in your world.

9. Bipolar Betty: Oh dear Lord, this one takes the cake! Like walking through a mine field, her friendship is potentially explosive and just as scary. You can be her partner in joy, celebrating her day with great zest. Or, you can serve as her punching bag should her day not have gone according to plan. The choice is hers and you can't avoid the pendulum as it swings your way. Sadly, your day and its tone is totally dependent upon how hers is going or how last night went. One phone call can take a perfectly pleasant day and spin it on its axis, creating a vortex of spitting anger and vicious barbs aimed directly at you even though you've had nothing to do with it. She is migraine-inducing and frustrating as fuck. Send her packing!

These are just nine of the types of friends you may have or make along your life's journey. Having these guidelines should help you decide which ones to keep and which ones have asses requiring you to plant your foot in as you swing the door open wide enough for them to fall out. Don't hesitate, don't hem and haw. Just kick these twats out of your life before you lose your fucking marbles. Or worse, you become one of them or a frightening combination of several. To have friends, you must be one first. NONE of these people are a true friend. None of them have your best interests at heart. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Don't get your panties in a wad!

I like that phrase better than the whole "Keep Calm and..." bullshit that seems to be all over every t-shirt, coffee mug, and iPhone case these days. Keeping calm is a choice, and not always the best one. That rush of adrenaline is what fuels our fight or flight response, helps us mobilize in emergency situations, and defend ourselves and those we love. People who don't have the ability or desire to access that surge are as useless as tits on a bull. Sitting on an issue with a mindless grin on your face isn't going to solve it. Telling me or someone like me to calm down in a situation that requires testicular fortitude is asking for a kick in the throat. If you have no intention of being helpful, shut the fuck up and get out of my way.

Being faced with someone who is a raging nag or needling douche bag does NOT inspire a feeling of zen in me. Asking me to keep calm after you've pushed every fucking button I have is like stabbing me and asking me not to bleed. The fact is, if you know my buttons and you choose to push them anyway, you are begging me to behave in a rash manner. Whether it be junk punching you or verbally cutting your balls off, you've clearly requested it. My perception of you is someone who pulls the chair out behind someone to make them fall, and then laughs like a moron. What if I did that to your mother? Still funny? Why not? I'm someone's mother, you'd not think twice about doing it to me. 

Emotions are individual just like people, and asking someone to squelch them is ridiculous. Getting pissed off is as natural as breathing.  Although, after watching a movie made in 1956, I'm starting to think it's a recent discovery. Those people knew how to keep calm. Almost catatonic in their sea of calm and well-versed at keeping those around them equally as dead from the neck up. To quote from The Bad Seed, Christine tells darling little psychotic Rhoda twice, "Sometimes these things happen to us. And when they do, well, we just accept them." If that isn't absolutely in-fucking-sane, I don't know what is. Accepting disappointment is one thing, but putting it out of your mind instead of figuring out a way to not be disappointed next time, or learning from it and trying harder in the future sounds like a load of steaming bullshit to me. Accept your fate, whatever it is, and move on. Right. Great leaders are made that way...like hell.

Equally as annoying, are the people that let every goddamn thing piss them off.  You know who you are, don't pretend to be someone else now. Why does she believe in pro-choice/gay marriage/God/Fox News? How could you possibly like watching horror movies/soap operas/reality shows/sports? You drive too slow, too fast, eating a bagel.  He eats pizza/sprouts/cheese/candy/organic rice/McDonald's. How the fuck do these things affect your quality of life? I need it explained to me, slowly, so I'll understand fully since I don't speak fucktard. This makes no sense to me whatsoever. How does what I do, believe, say, or eat change your level of happiness or disdain? Am I that powerful? Tell me!  Because if I am, I need to know so I can channel these powers for my own benefit and leave you be. 

People like that are allowing far too many live rent-free in their heads. What they don't seem to realize, is that when you let every little thing bug you, you are handing over your freedom of choice, your personal power to someone else. You've now given them permission to dictate your moods and emotions. All fucking day long. Just how stupid are you? Is that individual so important, so integral to your being that they SHOULD have that kind of control over you? Nobody has that right. You are in charge of your emotions. You decide how to react to any given situation. And since it is your job to decide, don't choose to allow the actions of others to color your mood. Don't blame someone else for your sour face or miserable attitude, because, honey, that's ALL you. Remember, freedom of choice...it exists, use it.

Don't even get me started on the ones who let life's little speed bumps get them down for days on end. If you forgot to pick up bread while you were out, so what? Go back out. Your washing machine is making funny sounds, maybe you need a new one...not a Xanax. Oh my fucking God, did the movie rental place rent out the last copy of the movie you wanted? Holy shit! So what? Rent a different one or watch it another day. Did your coffee go cold? Pop that bitch in the microwave and shut your pie hole. Are you getting it? Most of what you complain about is utter nonsense. When you do it publicly, even if we don't do it out loud, we are laughing at you. Inwardly shaking our heads at just how incredibly dumbassed you are. 

Here's what I see. There are an ass load of people going through life with blinders on, allowing people to shit all over them, and not really feeling anything but catatonia. They are so busy trying to shush everyone else, they don't see the car barreling down the street about to hit them. Lacking in real feeling and balls, these are folks I wouldn't want with me in a real emergency situation. Light a fire under your asses, people! On the other hand, there is an equally large ass load of people who stomp through life pissed off at everything and everyone. Miserable fucks who seem to glean great joy out of being mad and telling anyone who will listen why that is. Spare us all the shared angst. Not only are you pissed about a whole lot of nothing, it's your fault that you are choosing to feel that way. We don't necessarily share your opinion, nor do we care that you've decided to allow the events of each and every day shove you down into an inescapable funk which requires you to announce every infraction that put you there. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Atheist doesn't have to equal asshole

Never one to care about the religious preferences of others, I don't really care what your affiliation is or isn't. Respect for all, live and let live. Even the bible thumping, Jesus freaks don't bother me...and they tend to be very verbose and overdone in their preaching and posting. If that's how you truly feel, shout it from the rooftops! Although, that doesn't mean you should use God to justify your ways of thinking about every topic from gun control to abortion to autism to marriage. You've developed those opinions over a lifetime, opinions which began in your childhood and were influenced by your parents. Opinions that have been enhanced by time, experience, and the company you keep. Referencing the bible and Jesus every time you take sides on an issue, frankly, is immature. Being a grown ass man or woman means you stand by your decisions, choices, and views and don't require back-up.

Religion can be a very important part of someone's life. Providing support, hope, and light at the end of a very dark tunnel, it can be the hand you hold during difficult times or the joy you feel on brighter days. Having faith, believing in something is as old as time. We all need something or someone to turn to at some point in our lives. It doesn't have to be formal religion, it can be meditation or just the feeling that something greater than you exists. Some people are raised in one faith and convert later on in life when they find the comfort they need in a different belief system. Many don't find a higher power until they are either much older, or are feeling their own mortality creeping up. No one way is correct. There are no rules regarding how or when you should believe. Very personal and private, belief and faith exist in our hearts and don't require explanation...to anyone.

Those who don't practice a formal religion or seriously believe there is nothing else out there but space and time are free to do so. Freedom of choice exists for all in our country, one of the many reasons I am proud to be an American. Atheism at its core is not a bad thing. Rejecting the existence of a deity or many deities due to a lack of empirical evidence makes perfect sense. Saying there aren't gods or a God because you believe in scientific evidence and theories like the Big Bang and evolution is perfectly understandable. Many Catholics are scientists and also believe in evolutionary theory. We accept the incongruities religion holds, and are able to juggle anthropological proof of life with our faith. It may seem a little like multiple personality disorder or total confusion on our part, but many of us are smart enough to separate the two. Like church and state, while they may have influence over each other in a very distant way, they are distinct entities and should and can be treated as such.

What this leaves me to wonder, are some atheists so stupid that they cannot accept that other people don't agree with them? Spouting off about how ridiculous religion is and how dumb assed those of us who believe in something other than the current alcoholic beverage we are drinking are for actually having faith in something we can't see or prove. While you are entitled to feel however you'd like about another human being, you are also expected to have respect for the differences that exist between us. We are all unique, no one is like anyone else completely. From skin color, to hair color, to size and shape. We've learned to accept those differences and like each other based on the person that is on the inside. Since, aren't we all the same under the skin? You may drink tea and I'm an obsessed coffee drinker. That doesn't mean I will mock you on the internet for all your friends to see. I watch Dexter and love the serial killer in him...I get his Dark Passenger. You may think I'm bat shit crazy, but you are still my friend. Differences are what make us fun to be around. If we all thought the same, believed the same things, and acted the same way, the world would be painfully boring and we'd have nothing to talk about over coffee OR tea.

And there's where I take issue with quite a few atheists. It's one thing to hold a belief that there is nothing TO believe in, it's quite another to criticize me for being Catholic. Easter is our holiest holiday of the year, a very solemn time for Christianity. While it does bring out the overzealous nature of some Catholics, we all experience the feelings and emotion of this time of year, remembering the sacrifice Jesus made for all of us...even you Atheists because God loves everyone. Some of us went public and sung the praises of our Lord and His ultimate sacrifice and miraculous return to us. To me, some were overdone and a bit preachy, but I made no comment and respected their need to testify. At the same time, there were quite a few non-believers who made no bones about being rude and judgmental about those who did believe.

I was shocked and horrified by some of the posts I saw all over Twitter and Facebook. Accepting the freedom of speech afforded us by the Constitution, I didn't respond to the barrage of nasty remarks and ecards that were all over my feeds. In retrospect, I probably should have reminded you that just as you have freedom to speak your mind, we have freedom of religion. Welcome to the United States, asshole. Oddly, I kept my mouth shut and my fingers still. But now, I am fuming and you need to hear what I have to say. Being an atheist is your choice, and I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is reading posts about "Zombie Jesus Day" and other bitchy posts about how Easter is bullshit and only an excuse to eat chocolate. No one is asking you to believe what we do, what we ask is that you allow us to celebrate our religious holidays in peace, free from your uneducated, fucktarded opinions.

My favorite post had to be the Ricky Gervais message. While you may have thought he supported your atheism and disgust for our organized religions, what he did was point out what a horrible person YOU are. One thing I've noticed about some atheists, is that they use their lack of belief in a higher power to justify the horrible life decisions they make and treating people like shit. Just like some Catholics hide under their bibles while stabbing friends in the back by gossiping, some Atheists are just as fucked up. Simply because you believe in nothing, doesn't give you the right to be a total douchebag. Ricky Gervais listed the Ten Commandments and was able to truthfully say that were he a Catholic, he'd have broken not one of them. This only proves that he is an innately good person, in possession of high moral standards. He is, but you are not. Those of you who don't believe in God but have coveted your neighbor's husband, and then dragged him into committing adultery...can you compare yourself with the standards Mr. Gervais has set? Lying and taking what is not rightfully yours, aren't acceptable whether or not you believe in God.

My point is, and I do have one, that many of you who mock us for believing in God, should look in your own backyard before casting judgement on us. Maybe we use religion as our own moral compass, but at least most of us have one. Can you say the same about yourself? You can lie to yourself, but I and many others know the truth about you. Pretending to be so righteous while behaving so heinously, you've outed yourself over and over. Don't for a second believe you are fooling anyone. Actions speak louder than words, and yours scream scumbag! Acting like a total shit heel and then mocking the religions of those who strive to behave in a, dare I say it, godlike manner, only serves to point out what kind of person you are...it doesn't prove your point about us at all. Make a fool of yourself publicly, that IS what you are doing every time you mock something you don't fully understand. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Wading through the dating pool, part 2: Women to avoid

Not one to be unfair or lopsided in my advice or opinions, I'd like to share some advice with the men about types of women to run from when searching for a suitable mate. After thinking about the guys that women should avoid and letting my mind wander over to the various types of women out there, I was horrified to realize that broads have some of the worst types of human beings among them. Guys, pay close attention, these chicks are insidious and I know you aren't that bright when it comes to matters of the crotch, I mean heart.

1. The Feminist: She thinks that everything that is wrong with society has something to do with YOUR genitals, and that if you'd allow yourself to be castrated, you could help fix the situation at hand. The scary part about her is that she is very two-faced in her thinking. While on one hand, she wants equal pay for equal work and to be allowed to play pro football...don't assume for one moment that she won't cut your ass down to size if you don't hold the door open for her or carry the heavy packages for her without being asked. Confusing, I know, but she is the biggest hypocrite you'll encounter on your mating journey. Simply avoid the self-proclaimed Gloria Steinems.

2. Gimme Girl: Basically, a high-priced, cleaner version of a prostitute, this skank believes her cooch is paved in platinum and worth every dollar she has you spending on her. Otherwise known as a gold digger, she will gladly "pay" her way in trade. Using sexual favors as currency, she will drain your checking account dry at the same time she is draining your pipes. Being a dumb shit, you won't notice at first. She is counting on your little head doing most of your thinking for you. In the beginning you will think you've stumbled upon the perfect woman. There's no such thing, ass clown. Don't fall victim to this whore. There is no pussy worth your life savings or your dignity.

3. Man-Eater: She is a card-carrying man hater. In her eyes, you'll never be more than a pig or a jerk. You can't please her, so don't try. She'll just accuse you of ulterior motives because all men are assholes and have only one thing on their minds, anyway. Being right is a privilege reserved for only her and other women. Possession of a ballbag has rendered you mentally underdeveloped and creepy to her, there's nothing you will do or say that will tease even the smallest grin out of her tightly pursed lips. Known for her spontaneous and usually public eruptions, you will be belittled and berated over absolutely nothing. Unless you are a masochist, write this one completely off.

4. Insecure Ida: This paranoid Patty will have you flushing your cell phone down the toilet in a matter of days. Not only does she barrage you with constant questions seeking validation, "How do I look" or "Am I pretty?" or "Where were you five minutes ago when I tried to call you and you didn't pick up?" and "Is she better-looking than me?"  Relationship checks become a part of your daily life now as she needs to know where this is going, do you see a future with babies and a picket fence, do you love her, and promise we will be together forever and ever and you'll never leave me. If this isn't enough, she will text and call you 20 or more times per day, to ask these same questions and to ensure you are always available for her and her ego massages. If you are partial to the life-sucking forces of this type of person and don't mind accounting for every shit you take, marry this whack job. If you enjoy a little personal freedom and don't like being her daily affirmation service, run far and run fast.  This one scares ME.

5. Spoiled Susie: The apple of her daddy's eye, Susie wants what she wants and she wants it NOW! Spoiled since the day she was born, she hasn't wanted for anything. Usually, her needs were not only met and exceeded but they were anticipated. Life for her was all about her and nobody else but her, and she likes it that way. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe her, Susie has never had to share the spotlight so don't try to sneak yourself in there. You will hang out with HER friends, go the movies SHE wants to see, eat at restaurants SHE likes, and listen to HER tell story after story while her friends ooh and ahh and laugh like they are at a comedy club. They've been trained, trust me. Nobody becomes an attention-whore without a very willing audience. Your job will be to take a backseat to her in all things and ensure she gets everything her little heart desires. Are you prepared to lose yourself? Didn't think so, kick this cunt to the curb.

6. Desperate Donna: Tick tock, tick, tock, that's the sound of her biological clock. She has no criteria beyond a male with a working sausage and fully functioning meatballs. You could resemble Attila the Hun and smell worse, but all she sees is a wedding ring and bassinet. She's a very pathetic and often the last of her friends to get hitched, making the situation all the more urgent in her mind. This one is VERY frightening...she will do whatever it takes to make the fairy tale come true. If you are able to sneak away from this one and avoid the altar, then have a romp in the hay with her...just be sure you are the one handling the condoms...it takes but a moment and a pinhole to change your name from Bob to Daddy.

7. Connie the Con-woman: Beware of this snake. She's been watching you and knows the keys to your heart. Able to transform into the type of woman YOU have been looking for, she tells you exactly what you want to hear while worming her way into your life and bank account. Assuming the character of female version of you, she is easily able to drag you into her lair, ripe for the picking. She will sit through action movies and cheer for the hero right along with you, bait a hook while holding back the vomit she'd love to empty out onto your shoes, watch sports with you while wearing the appropriate jersey and matching cap to show her solidarity...while knowing nothing about the sport and having previously capped on it publicly. Slick as grease and just as gross on the inside, she will work very hard as convincing you of her obvious perfect compatibility with you. BUT, once the claws have sunk to the inescapable depths of your skin, she flip flops into the psychotic harpie that she had been hiding from you all along. Except, now it's too late. Both your names are on the lease, the bank account, and she has befriended all of your friends, sucking up to them so much so that they'd side with her if you left now. Dear God, you fucking schmuck! Don't date her in the first place, what looks too good to be true almost always is.

Guys, I know this all seems a little crazy and overwhelming. How can I expect you to learn all of this and understand that it is all for your own good? Think of me as your personal filter. Use this list as your guide to maintaining your emotional health, personal freedom, and paycheck. One day, you'll thank me. In the meantime, use the head that rests on your neck to help you recognize the signs of a crazy-assed broad from a mile away. Don't let the little head control your every move, he's only out for himself. Are you friggin kidding me right now???