Wading through the dating pool: men to avoid

Praise the baby Jesus that I do NOT have to don the dating bikini and jump into that end of the pool. When I look around at what's currently available, I am damn glad to be married. If faced with the choice between dating the losers that are on the market and being a cat lady, there would be no question that I'd be running to Petco to stock up. Fortunately, that is not the case for me. Lucky for you single ladies out there, I am not without compassion for your plight. Allow me to save you from falling into the pit of jerks, ass wads, douche bags, and fucktards. I've compiled a list of types of men you should be avoiding at all costs. Should you encounter any of these mouth-breathing shit heels, let the red flag that goes off in your head as you recall my words be your guide...the fuck out of there!

1. The Boor: You've seen him and perhaps even had a friend like him, in high school when his weenis ruled his brain and he had no common sense. This dipshit has no qualms about checking out other women while he's out on a date with you. Not only is he checking them out, but he's loudly commenting about her assets and likely to be comparing them to yours, which naturally, do not compare. He flirts with every woman you come in contact with on your date: the waitress, the coat check girl, the chick at the table next to you...it doesn't matter. If she has a vagina, he's strutting like a peacock. Don't call him out on it, you'll just be teased and referred to as "sensitive" and reminded that everyone has eyes. Maybe he wants his gouged out with your tweezers...he IS asking for it. Sometimes, this douche takes it one step further and regales you with stories about every broad he's nailed, complete with details about their physical attributes and a blow-by-blow about their romps in the sack. Steer clear of this swordsman, don't be another story in his repertoire.

2. The Arrogant Bastard: I'm not referring to the delicious ale by the same name. This dick weed thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread and isn't afraid to tell you and everyone else about it. At first, he seems confident and alluring. But soon after, you realize that his confidence is actually thinly veiled obnoxious conceit. No one does anything the way he does, and so, they do it wrong. Without hesitation, he will apprise that person of the error of their ways. Always condescending, he talks down to each person you run into while out on your date. The poor valet will question whether or not he actually is in possession of a valid driver's license by the time A.B. is done reminding him how to handle his "baby" while parking it. The waitress may end up in tears by dessert because he will have sent everything back since it wasn't up to his standards, as he calls her "sweetie" in a venomous tone meant to cut her down. This kind of conceit is usually found in men who are lacking in many other areas of their life...particularly in their tightie whities.

3. The Cheapo: When your first date is Dutch, I guarantee you that it's downhill from there. Don't expect token gifts or restaurants that don't accept coupons from this ass munch. You'll feel the pinch of his wallet tightening every time you suggest a place that may cost more than the Applebees senior citizen menu. Don't even think of asking to see a movie at a movie theater, that's why Netflix was invented, baby. Not only is it cheaper, but he can whip up a box of mac 'n cheese for you to split. Not your idea of a fun time? Then heed my warning, any guy who asks how much you have in your wallet or takes out his calculator to split the bill evenly down the middle is not boyfriend material. Hell, he's not even friend material. We all work hard for our money, I understand.  But if a woman is asked out on a date, she should be able to expect him to pay for the ENTIRE night.

4. The Disagreeable Prick: If you want to enjoy a good debate, watch one on TV. There's a Presidential election every four years, that's more than enough disagreement for anyone. But if you like being right at least every once in a while, don't even accept his offer to take you out. Spending the night arguing every point, even ones that are about you, personally, will only prove frustrating and exhausting. I'll bet you didn't know how LITTLE you knew before you met this jackass. You say "black" and he will say "white." You say "up" and he will say "down." There's no reason to even try to reason with this guy, he knows more and has no issue telling you so. Instead of a friendly conversation where you can learn about each other and discuss differences like adults, you'll be trapped in a never-ending argument from which you cannot escape. Just say "NO" and avoid the date completely. Unless you like grinding your teeth down to paste and throbbing migraines...

5. The Self-Righteous Ass: Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? This goody-two shoes motherfucker is judging you from the moment you meet. He can teach you all about the dangers of the Equal you put in your coffee and remind you that caffeine isn't good for you, anyway. Is that flab he sees jiggling on your upper arm?  If you went to the gym six days a week like he does, your arms would be toned and tight just like his. Allow him to demonstrate some of the weight-lifting moves that he does to look so perfect. Oh my GOD!  Did you just order a drink? On a week night? You are just asking for a headache in the morning and really, do you want to drink your calories? Alcohol is empty calories, you know, and don't you want to get rid of that muffin-top? At this point you are wondering why the fuck he asked you out in the first place. So am I. If he's that in love with himself, there's no room for you.

6. The Perpetual Frat Boy: He believes that pizza is a food group and that the boxes look just fine on the floor of his apartment.  You know, the apartment he shares with his four other roommates because he can't seem to hold down a steady job long enough to pay rent on his own. And really, what fun would it be to live alone? How can you play Rock Band all by yourself? He has no intention of growing up which will be evidenced by his invitation to the kegger at his his BRO's house this weekend. If you have no desire to play the role of mother, bank account, maid, and designated driver for this loser...then don't even give him your number.

7. The Mama's Boy:  There is no competing with someone's mommy, so don't even bother to try. When he has to call and check in with her after you arrive at the restaurant because she worries when he drives so far, heed the warning bells going off in your head. If he cancels a date because his mommy needs him to help her choose paint colors for her house, don't answer his calls. Should he have to drive her somewhere every time you are together, eliminating any chance of alone time...change your phone number. And, for heaven's sake, if he still lives with her, eats every meal with her, and cuts her toenails for her...run for the hills! Although, you should have done your due diligence and found all this out before actually agreeing to go out with him and saved yourself the time.  It does provide for some funny stories on your next Girls Night Out, but wouldn't you rather be able to brag instead of bitch?

There are so many more types of men, but most border on abusive and any form of abuse should cause you to keep your number to yourself and walk away from the ass clown. If you want to junk punch him for good measure and as a reminder to never approach you or your friends again, feel free, he deserves it. As for the rest of these window-lickers, be aware, be alert, and be wise. It's easy now that your have the information at your fingertips! Print it out, memorize it, do whatever it takes to ensure you never have to deal with another date from hell. Life is too short to date an asshole. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Society is going to hell in a handbasket!

After chatting with a very good friend of mine about yet another high school scandal in the past two days, we both wanted to know the same thing. What the fuck is wrong with people? One school had a coach who solicited sex on an online classified ad site, posting multiple photos of his junk. The other school "boasted" a teacher/student school-year long relationship, busted by her dad catching them in the act of making the beast with two backs in his car.  After beating these two newsworthy stories to death, we were left to wonder, what has our country become? Who are these people, and what kind of parenting causes these types of humans to develop? My ideas rambled on almost maniacally in a text, "Poor parenting, double income households leading to guilt and over-indulgence, absent parents during crucial time periods, having too much too soon and looking for more." I'm not always eloquent, but I never hold anything back. This time was no different.

Confident that I am not alone in feeling this way, I have to use today for some personal venting. Kids today don't have a prayer of growing up emotionally healthy or ready to face the world as adults. With parents who raise children based on their own feelings of guilt and inadequacy, how can these future grown ups learn how to cope with things like disappointment and delayed gratification? They want it and they want it now. Parents today bend over backwards to make sure their kids get it. Fearful of damaging their child's fragile ego, they provide a buffer for anything negative their kids may encounter. Ensuring they have the correct brand of jeans or sneakers, attacking a teacher who had the balls to give that child a C, or calling another parent when their child didn't receive a birthday party invitation. If all you can afford is Target, that's too goddamn bad. At least your child isn't naked. If your child didn't study or do the work that was expected, they EARNED that C, the teacher didn't GIVE it to them. Maybe your kid is an asshole...assholes don't get invited to parties. Or, just as simple an explanation, the birthday boy was only allowed to invite a handful of children and he invited his best friends. Sorry, Danny is not one of them.

Having a crush on a teacher is a normal part of being a teenager. Young male teachers who are so gung-ho and show more interest in students than many of the veteran educators, often provide high school girls with enough fantasy material to last all four years. But that is where it should end, in the realm of a teenage girl's daydreams. Teachers are fucking authority figures. Any abuse of that authority is unacceptable. Abuse isn't only bullying or instilling fear in the students. It can just as easily mean using your status to convince a girl or boy that having a sexual relationship with an adult is perfectly fine. Using your perceived importance in the lives of children to make them feel "special" and somehow want to please you is wrong...or, allowing them to feel like they are your equal. I feel as though the teachers who abuse their position have issues that are two-fold. They are the product of guilt-ridden parenting who allowed them to develop a gigantic sense of entitlement. That is definitely clear. The other issue is that they know, they are truly aware of the lack of self-confidence these young men and ladies have from their experiences with rotten parents. They know and they use it to their advantage.

My question about society goes way beyond high school scandals. Why in the year 2013 do we even need to argue the definition of marriage? Who gives anyone the right to choose who another can or cannot love and spend the rest of their lives with...or are we not past the concept of arranged marriages? When did a person's junk become the criteria for who they are permitted to love? Aside from pedophilia and bestiality, love should not have limitations or rules. Marriage is a contract entered into by two people who love each other exclusively, want to spend the rest of their lives together, and publicly acknowledge these facts. I'd love to live long enough to see the day when their genitals don't dictate who they can love, rather it be the bond between their souls which draws and joins them together. I'd like my daughter to raise her children in a world where "Gay Marriage" is no longer necessary terminology. Marriage will be a privilege enjoyed by all, and all the rights that accompany it. I may have plagiarized my own Facebook status from yesterday, but who better to steal from than me? 

How is it that we live in a world where people don't care who they step on to get what they want? Where someone would rather step over you, laughing, while you lie on the sidewalk clutching your chest, than stop to help or simply call 911? A country where bullying is so prevalent and insidious, our children don't want to go to school or worse, prefer death to life?  Children should never feel so hopeless that suicide seems to be the only option! We are surrounded by people who push their way into lines, cut you off on the road, and let the door slam on old ladies. We are just as surrounded by the children of these same people...children they've taught by words and example how to behave like fucking buffoons. Children who will one day be teachers, police officers, doctors, or God forbid, the President of the United States. Children who bring their skewed view of others, their sense of entitlement, and their discourteous nature to their future professions. Is this the environment in which we want to grow old? This is the kind of thing that scares the shit out of me. 

Personally, I am disgusted with the future outlook. If something doesn't change...and change quickly, our lives are spinning down the shitter, and there isn't a goddamn thing we can do about it. Parents, wake the fuck up!!! You all reminisce about the good old days, but do you remember them well enough to recall what they were like? Do you remember how strict your parents were and how they actually had rules you HAD to follow? How things were simple and basic courtesy was expected from everyone...it wasn't a fucking choice.  Get with the program and start having expectations for your children. Demand accountability for their actions. Model appropriate behavior and they will follow suit. Stop being such pompous, self-serving ass clowns and make your parents proud. Trust me, they are hanging their heads in shame. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

The bitch doth protest too much, methinks

Shakespeare knew his shit. In Hamlet, he gave this line to Queen Gertrude when she claimed that the Player Queen affirmed far too strongly and so, lost credibility. Not what you thought it meant, I know. Most people are Shakespeare-challenged, which makes me very disappointed in the lot of you. Luckily for you all, my love for the Bard allows me to teach you a thing or two regarding the snarky methods of expression in his plays. When someone is too insistent about a topic, a red flag goes up in my head. Do you know what the flag says? In bold, black lettering, it announces, "This bitch is full of shit!" The opposite of a loud wrong, this person is hell-bent on convincing you that what they say is true, and heads to the mountaintops to state their case.

I'd prefer they head to the mountaintops, I may get lucky and they'll fall off.  Unfortunately, Lady Luck isn't my bestie, and so these fuckwads don't run for higher ground when they are trying to convince me of their side of the story. Instead, they bore me to tears in person, ranting and raving on and on about how only truth drips from their thin, lying lips. In person, it doesn't take much for me to see that you are blowing smoke up my ass. Your posture, your tone, your body language...all these and more, make it quite apparent that you are working overtime to convince me. The funny thing is, I've noticed that while you think you are convincing me, the person who really NEEDS convincing is YOU! The harder you work, the more you are telling me that even you don't believe the story.

Others take to the internet to convince the masses that they are telling the gospel truth. This happens more so when they've been called out on their bullshit...publicly. Scurrying to make sure that their story is believed over mine, for example, they post and comment like psychotics, attempting to negate what I've said. The fact is, if I've called you out in front of God and everyone, I'm right, you're not. Plain and simple. If your story had a shred of truth, you'd not have to convince anyone. As a matter of fact, most folks who make legitimate claims, don't bother fighting the naysayers. They know their story is completely valid and have no worries about one heckler in the audience tearing it down. Yet, the topic keeps rearing its ugly head every time I turn my computer on. Is convincing the rest of the world so important to you? Is proving me wrong even more important? Or is it that you are working so hard to convince yourself? I know the answer...because I know I'm not a crucial enough part of your life to haven taken up so much of your time.  Or am I?

This kind of internet battle is very immature, and only the biggest losers and liars tend to initiate this type of public display. My status postings reflect my view of the world, life, and sometimes, regarding certain people. By the time I've hit POST, I've thought very carefully about each word I'm flinging out into cyberspace. I may have researched the concept, had a discussion about it with a friend or two, or come to a conclusion about it all on my own. Those things may vary, but one factor is consistent, I'm never wrong. Not one to hit send before I re-read a text, I can assure you, if my words are hitting the masses, they have complete and total validity. This is not to say I don't make typos, because Lord knows, between my fat fingers and senior moments, I have made my share of errors. But I will not post incorrect information, fabrications, or call someone out unless I am positive they are full of shit. Unlike these, dipwads, I will not make a fool of myself publicly.

As adults, we can agree to disagree. If you don't feel that something I've said applies to you, I really don't care. You are entitled to disagree with me. When you feel the need to go public with your disagreement and try to prove me wrong, you've walked into a gun battle with a pocketknife. By the time I've pointed a finger, I've gathered all the necessary information, included my own personal experiences, and stated the facts as I see them. Your lack of intellect coupled with your flimsy version of the truth is no match for this broad. My ass cheeks are smarter than you on any given day. Don't even bother trying to disprove anything I've said, life is too short, and it's a waste of your precious time. I'm sure there are hundreds of other things you could be doing rather than making an ass of yourself and making me look even more intellectually superior. That isn't your goal is it? Each time you take a swing with that pocketknife, I'm only going to fire off another gut-splitting round into your liver. The smart thing to do is let it go. Smarter would be to own up to my greatness and admit that what I've said is 100% valid and true. But I have no great expectations for you at this point.

Here's what you should have learned today. The harder you try to convince me and everyone else of your story, the more glaringly evident it is that you are really trying to convince yourself. By extension of that, if you have to convince yourself, it's crystal clear that you are full of shit. When you choose to either tell tall tales or disagree with my hard-core facts, I will call you out. This will be public, painful, and hard to disprove. Attempting to disprove me will result in your looking like a fucktard, and continue to display me in a favorable and far more intelligent light. For that, I thank you. However, I don't need your help in that area of my life. My brilliance shines brightly with or without you. A life without you would be preferable, but since it isn't likely to occur, learn when to keep your flap trap shut and your fingers off the keyboard. I have no problem exposing you for who you really are.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Words to erase from your vocabulary, part 2

My hope is that you took the last post seriously and have begun replacing those words with something more descriptive and situationally appropriate. Perhaps you are feeling embarrassed by your lack of vocabulary, but I did give you alternatives. Today is no different. Allow me to help you become more socially acceptable and fit for human interaction. Should this offend you in any way, please feel free to go fuck yourself. Otherwise, I'd like to continue where we left off and give you a few more words to eradicate from your vocabulary.

6. Fag: This word means a cigarette in England, not a human being who happens to love a member of the same sex. The same is true for faggot, which is a bundle of wood. What really gets me, is the fact that when these terms are used, they are usually not meant to describe a homosexual. Most often, they are used to describe someone weak, effeminate, nicely-dressed, shy, or timid. Oh look, I gave you replacement words! If you have gay friends, like I do, feel free to use fag or queer when speaking to them.  Chances are pretty good that they will use those words WITH you. Beyond that, keep your opinions about same-sex relationships to yourself. It's none of your business who other people bang and we don't care what you think, anyway.

7. Schizo: Short for schizophrenia, half the time this word is used inappropriately to describe someone with multiple personality disorder. Schizophrenia is a disorder where the afflicted suffers from hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thinking and speech. You may recall movies in which the main character hears voices...THAT'S schizophrenia. I take offense at armchair psychologists who diagnose others based on misinformation. If a person is delusional, call them deluded. Should they seem scattered, call them ditzy. If they seem to have mood swings, then call them moody. Jekyll and Hyde works for people who seem to have two distinct personalities depending upon how their day went...use that. Save the diagnoses for those better qualified, because it sure as hell isn't you!

8. Midget:  This isn't even valid term! It's outdated and doesn't refer to anything medically specific. If someone has dwarfism, then they are a dwarf and fit into a certain list of characteristics. Should you be referring to someone who just happens to be short, fuck you. Who cares how tall or short someone is, anyway? If this is something that entertains you, then you're a bit too easily entertained. Perhaps you aren't very smart...maybe we should call you a retard? Didn't think you'd like that. People of diminutive stature don't like to be labelled, either. I think the next time someone calls me a midget, I'll just reach up and punch that Sasquatch in the crotch.

9. Ball and Chain: Seriously? Do you still use this term to describe your wife? Explain to me why you married her in the first place. If she was so god-awful, why sign documents that tie you to her legally and financially? If she is THAT bad, then you are the dumb ass. Chances are, she's pretty damn amazing. She puts up with you and your white trash terminology, doesn't she? Women aren't prison guards, they don't literally prevent you from having your freedom. Unless she has duct taped your hands and feet and stuffed you into a locked closet, you are free to come and go as you please. Don't pretend that we don't "allow" you to do the things you want, it's insulting and blatantly untrue. Most men stop doing those things because they get lazy. It's easier to come home and sit around in your underwear while the old "ball and chain" cooks your dinner, does your laundry, and fetches your beer. Blaming us for your inability to get your shit together and have fun is fucking ridiculous.

10. Nigger: I hated typing that, so you know it really bugs the fuck out of me when you say it. Why in God's holy name do you still use this term? Do you like being called a Cracker? How about Honkey? I know I dislike Dago and Greaseball. The word is hateful and meant to cut someone down based on the color of their skin. Ethnicity and race are not choices, I didn't ask to be white. So, if you have no control over the color of your skin, how can you hate someone who has differently colored flesh? I have one thought...you're an ignorant motherfucker who was probably raised in a racist household by at least one Archie Bunker parent. Or you may just live in the backwater South where people haven't caught up to this century and think slavery is still in existence. Either way, it makes you a douche bag.

Those of you still using these terms should really be beaten with a baseball bat, but since I have an aversion to jail time, I'll skip the bludgeoning portion of the program. What I will do, is give you the opportunity to change the way you speak and think. Don't take too long, there are those who don't really mind handcuffs and jail cells who would love to pummel you the next time you use any of these words in their presence. Trust me, I won't step in to defend you. What they have in store for you is exactly what you deserve. Don't say I didn't warn you.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Words to erase from your vocabulary

While you may think I am crass and ballsy, there are certain words that offend even MY sensibilities. For you naysayers, try saying them in front of me. The results won't be pretty. Expanding one's vocabulary should be an ongoing, daily process. Learning is something that doesn't end with your graduation day, but rather continues throughout a lifetime. This means, you shouldn't be limited in the way you express yourself, and ought to be able to describe something or someone with great vibrancy and detail. Of course, I'm not expecting you to turn a phrase quite the way I can, but I do expect certain words to stop being used and overused.

1. Gay: This one is on the top of my list for a reason. I loathe people who use this word to describe something lame, stupid, useless, ugly, hideous, foolish or silly. Not one of the gay people I know fit those adjectives and I will be goddamned if you think it's appropriate to use that word in a derogatory fashion. Years ago, gay meant happy and jolly. If that's what you mean, then by all means, say it with gusto! But if you are trying to put someone or something down, dig deep and come up with another way to describe them. Using gay in a negative way makes YOU a jackass.

2. Retarded: A close second, this word is just as offensive. Why do you think I say "fucktarded" instead? If you want to call someone uncool, absurd, dull, irrational, or careless, then do it. When you call them retarded, do you realize what you are saying? Retarded refers to someone who is mentally, developmentally, and functionally delayed. Is that really what you mean? If it is, and it is true, there's no need to say it out loud. They are already living a life filled with challenges that shouldn't include dealing with a fucking buffoon like you. Plus, it makes you look like your IQ is less than stellar. Didn't think of that, did you?

3. Fat:  Unless you are referring to my cat, this word should never erupt from your drooling lips. Using this word only emphasizes your own insecurities and poor body image. Are you perfect? Is there not one ounce of cellulite, blubber, or pudge on your body? Should that be the case, be happy and appreciate what you have without looking to judge others. Nine times out of ten, the rudeness spews from the mouth of someone, shall we say, less than slim? Maybe you think the person doesn't know how much they weigh, or perhaps you aren't certain they have mirrors. Guess what, ass hat? We are all aware of each and every roll, bump, and fluffy area. Know what else? Some of us rock those curves like a fucking boss. Others may be somewhere along their weight loss journey. A few may be depressed or have an actual medical condition. Keep your opinions to yourself.  Mine are the only ones that need be public.

4. Bitch: You say it like it's a bad thing. Let's begin with the basic definition of bitch, which is a female dog. Is she really a canine? If not, then consider what it is that offends you about her. Did she speak her mind? Has she put you in your place? I'm not seeing an issue yet. Was she being petty or catty? Then for fuck's sake call her that! The word bitch today means so much more and should be considered an empowering word rather than saying that being a woman is inherently bad. Bitches get things done. They are strong and powerful and don't take shit from the likes of you. Maybe that's why it has negative undertones for you. Check your own low self-esteem and deal with it. Should a woman be a real piece of work, by all means, call her a cunt. I'll understand you and the meaning will be clear. Save bitch for women you admire.

5. Nerd: Personally, I think nerds rule. Having been called this throughout my academic career by people who needed my help or wanted to cheat off my tests, I can say that the term never offended me.  Just because I was smart and didn't smoke behind the dumpsters with the rest of the losers, I was nerdy. Nerds are highly intelligent and have interests other than chasing tail, drinking till they puke, getting into trouble, and acting like an ass clown. Funny how when your computer is on the fritz or you need help with all of your technological toys, you ask a "nerd" for help. Maybe you should have focused more on your school work instead of looking up skirts and you'd be able to fix that problem yourself. When you can't write an essay or answer a simple question on a job application, and you come to me, this nerd helps you look smarter. Like I tell my daughter, today's nerd is tomorrow's successful adult. People only mock what they can never be. Sorry you're dumb as a box of rocks. I'd much rather be an intellectual badass any day.

This is only the beginning of your road to not being a total douche bag. I didn't want to overload your minimal intellectual capacity. Use these words carefully and with great caution. They can suit the situation when used appropriately, or they can irritate the living fuck out of those around you who know better. Think before you speak...or one day you'll lose that ability altogether. I use intellect and the typed word to help you. Someone may just decide the easiest way to shut you up is with a punch in the throat. Do you have a preference?  I know I do. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Who do you think you are, part 2

I'm still waiting for an intelligent answer. I guess that makes me the stupid one. There is no smart reply to that question because no matter what you say, you'll sound like a ass bag. Feeling entitled to behave however the hell you'd like is part of who you are, like a giant oozing sore. Fear not, I am here to heal that sore and turn you into someone I don't loathe. Doesn't that sound great? While that may sound like something that will only benefit me, and usually that is my M.O., this will make you more appealing to the rest of the world as well. Don't thank me now, there's plenty of time for that.

6. Cover your mouth: Another basic courtesy you should have been taught decades ago, yet haven't seemed to master as yet. We've gone over this before. Sneezing and coughing travel at such high speeds across long distances that you'd think it would be obvious to you WHY you absolutely have to cover your goddamn mouth when it happens. Yet, I'm still being hit by your projectile viral shrapnel. If you aren't someone that I regularly kiss on the mouth, consider it a given that I don't wish to share your cooties. I'd love to have you do what we call the "Preschool cough" by covering your mouth with your arm and keeping your hand germ-free, but I'd be thrilled even if you used your hand. Keep your mucous to yourself.

7. Don't use corporate-speak outside the office: There's nothing more frustrating than trying to carry on a conversation with someone who thinks they are still at work. There are no "action items" at my house. I have shit I need to get done, but nothing that requires action. Most people I know don't "bankroll" their shopping, they pay for it. The only "face time" I use is the one on my iPhone. Never will you hear me saying that I'd like to have some face time with you. I'll ask to hang out with you instead, if that's ok. And if I'm "getting into bed" take me literally. That will never mean I'm developing a close relationship with someone...ever. Don't ask me what the "takeaway" was from something I just heard. That sounds like what you do with Chinese food. Oh, and I'll talk to you, not "interface" with you because I am not a computer or piece of technology and those are the only things that should be interfacing with anything.

8. Don't touch me: Should the urge strike you to reach out and make physical contact with me, stop yourself before I do. Lately, I've noticed that people are more inclined to put their digits on what I'd consider total strangers. Why the hell would you do this? Why the need to feel someone's shirt fabric? Especially if you are a slapper, and you know what I mean. Punctuating each exciting phrase or point of proof with a hearty whack on the upper arm or back, you are the worst of the lot. Hitting is a no-no, weren't you taught this? This does not apply to people I consider friends. Touching is something reserved for people you feel a certain closeness to, not everyone on the fucking planet. For the record, I don't feel close to you.

9. Wash your hands after you use the toilet: You didn't think this was an issue, did you? Tell the truth...when you are in a public bathroom, do you wash your hands after doing your business? Fucking liar! I'm watching you. I see you leave the stall after pissing a river and ripping a mighty fart. Next on your list, checking your hair and makeup. After fluffing your hair and reapplying your lipstick, you stroll out like you're actually done!  What the fuck?!?!? How can you leave the shitter and enter the world with pissy hands? Or God forbid, shitty fingers. Are you planning on touching anything or anyone in the near future? No doubt you are a toucher, too. This is a task learned in conjunction with potty training, so you've known about it for many decades. Take this note as a bitch-slap to remind you to scrub your filthy hands.

10. Don't correct me unless you are certain you are right: This is a pet peeve of mine. Being of above-average intelligence, I usually know of which I speak. This is not to say I don't have a brain fart or two every fucking day, but that's perimenopause, not stupidity. There are times I dumb down what I am saying to cater to a certain audience...it's a valid reason. If you are too fucktarded to figure it out, that's your issue, not mine. Don't jump in to "fix" what I've said, it's not wrong.  I've specifically altered it to suit the situation. Beyond that and occasional senior moments, my words are carefully chosen and if I choose to speak about a topic, I already know about it. I am the first to admit when I don't know something and will tell you immediately. I will also look it up later so that the lack of knowledge doesn't eat away at me. Don't engage me in a battle of wits, you'll always be unarmed.

Learning these rules may take time and retraining your brain to think like a decent and gracious human being. I'll allow for a week's worth of digesting and incorporation. After that, all bets are off. Get your shit together and think of someone other than yourself for a change. Stop being the irritating ass hat you've always been and make a change for the better. Be someone I don't want to shank. I've done all I can, it's your turn...see, I know how to take turns. One day, will you? We all know the answer to that. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Who do you think you are?

I'm waiting...who the fuck do you think you are? Unless you are the President or the Pope, don't expect me to roll out the red carpet every time your stank ass feet hit the floor. I'm not your mother, I don't HAVE to do anything for you that I don't want to do. We're all adults here, we are fully aware of what common courtesy looks like and what the basic rules for living among other human beings are...so why am I constantly faced with people who behave like they haven't passed Preschool? I thought it was simple, I thought you could manage, but I was wrong yet again.  Giving you credit where it clearly wasn't due. Since your preschool teacher failed to help you learn grace and courtesy, allow me to step in many years too late.

1. Take turns: You aren't the most important person on the planet. Nobody has had the balls to tell you before now, so I feel that was necessary. If I arrived before you, then it's MY turn. Pushing ahead, wiggling your way in front of me, or cutting me off will not work. You may get behind me, where your ass belongs, or, I will loudly point out the proper protocol to you and shame you into the correct behavior. Although, if you push me, I will probably push you back much harder and with much more malice. Take heed.

2. Move left to right: This is the United States of America, and we do things left to right. We read, write, order things from biggest to smallest, and move along a buffet line in that direction ONLY. If I am at Sweet Tomatoes and have queued up to someone's left, rest assured, I am headed to the right. Many of you think it's perfectly normal to fuck this up by sidling up next to my someone's right and attempting to push your shit in front of me. Know this, I'm faster, stronger, and louder than you and I'm not afraid to muscle my way in the correct, socially acceptable direction while yelling at you for doing it wrong. I did it last night, and I will do it again and again because I'm sure the people I'm referring to won't see this because I'm going to assume anyone that rude probably can't read.

3. No cutting!: We've all screamed it while lining up for recess. But, years later, you are ALL doing it. Why?  Is your cow's milk more important than my almond milk? Will your ice cream melt before mine if you have to wait behind me? Are your perishables more delicate? When queuing up at the ticket window line, do you consider the fact that everyone there is attempting to accomplish the same thing...purchasing entrance to the theater? And, by extension of that, if we are all going to the same place...does it matter who gets there first? The movie won't start earlier just because you've arrived. The dude in the projection room doesn't know you and certainly doesn't give a flying fuck. Get over yourself, dickweed.

4. Apologize for bumping me: That's right, an apology is required when you ghetto slam into someone you are walking past. Being elbowed, slammed, or shoved are among none of my favorite sensations. Even knocking my purse askew or God-forbid, off of my shoulder is a crime against nature in my book. I don't carry a fucking backpack, it doesn't stick out that goddamn far. If there is enough room, and usually there is, take a wide berth around me. I have no qualms asking you which of us you feel is too fat for you to pass without touching me. And I certainly don't have any issue at all elbowing you back, as hard as I possibly can. So, should you neglect to follow the wide berth rule and accidentally, because I KNOW you aren't doing it on purpose because that would make you a giant ass wad, just say, "I'm sorry," and move along.  It's three syllables, most 2 1/2 year olds can manage that phrase with ease.

These are just a few of the rules necessary for living among the rest of us peacefully. Take your time, read, understand, and memorize them.  Be ready to apply them the next time we come into contact. As I've said, my fuse is short when it comes to these things, I will lose my shit if you break one of the rules in my presence. Manners aren't an option. Grow the fuck up and be respectful, I don't want to have to beat into you what your mother failed to teach you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???