It's my road rage, and I'll scream if I want to...

Screaming behind the wheel, flipping random drivers the bird, leaning on my horn, it's all part of my charm. I see someone make a douchecanoe move while driving, I have an overwhelming urge to call them out on it. Whether my window is open or not, is not the point. The point is, you drive like a fucking lunatic, and I have to tell you. Riding me for two exits when I am trying to get over is not my idea of considerate driving. Nor is jumping in front of me to go slower than snail shit. I'm not always in a rush, so that isn't what pisses me off. The lack of awareness that there are other people on the road, and the inability to make rational judgements...those two things really frost my cookies. If I lived in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, where you only see two cars on the road every few hours or so, I'd have a different perspective on the topic. I'd also face less assholes while driving, so that would solve my problem but give me a whole other set of things to bitch about, like a lack of human contact. But when there is nary a soul on the freeway, drive as you'd like. Go fast, go slow.  Hell, change lanes every 45 seconds if it gets you hot. However, if you are in an area with many other drivers accompanying you on your journey, open your fucking eyes, and treat the rest of us the way you'd like to be treated.
When stopped at a red light, do not use this opportunity to fall asleep, apply makeup, or read a book you have stashed on the passenger seat. As the light changes, I am chomping at the bit to make my move, whether it be to go straight or turn. Left turns seem to have the worst offenders. I think people take mental vacations at left turn red lights. That's the only explanation that makes sense when I see the light turn green and watch as the lead car just sits there, waiting. Waiting for what? A better color option? Or have they completely shut down, no longer paying attention to the traffic lights. Yes, I am the first one to lean on my horn, especially if I am watching not just the lead car fuck me over, but the next few leaving 4 car lengths in between as they turn while riding their brakes. Seriously? What are you afraid of exactly? The actual direction called left? Other cars? The center divider? Maybe you should turn in your license, because I will have to slam my horn so hard that you may shit your pants. Unless you like that sort of thing...

Since I possess no filter, particularly as I get older, even the most minor offense doesn't escape my eye or my mouth. Should you be the one jackknifed across the aisle in the supermarket, carrying on a major conversation with someone jackknifed in the other direction, and I need to pass, and you SEE me and make no attempt to move, even after I've said excuse me, we've got a problem. Actually, you have the problem. I have the solution. Pull you head out of your ass, make plans to see this person in a venue where conversation is welcomed, and get the fuck out of my way. Not in that order.  Getting out of my way should be the first order of business on your social calendar. I have no issue telling you to move your fucking chat elsewhere if you choose to ignore me. You may have nothing to do and nowhere to go but I have a life to lead. God help you if you are not speaking English, as well. That is the equivalent of whispering, and I am going to assume you are talking shit about me. This doesn't bode well for you. I may have to remind you of the fact that you are in MY country, and to speak the goddamn language, then I'll tell you to get the fuck out of my airspace.
Should you be the parent of the child running butt wild through the restaurant I am trying to enjoy a meal in, I will comment loudly enough for you to hear. This won't be praise for your stellar parenting skills, this will be an observation of how you probably shouldn't have bred in the first place. I may even have to tell your little shit to go sit down with Mommy and Daddy.  Do you really want ME disciplining your child? Doesn't phase me in the least bit, I actually know how to do it. And since your bratty fucker is running around my table, I know for a fact that you do not. Allow me to assist you in your quest to raise your child. One day, I will start charging a fee for doing what you should have done from the moment you walked into the joint. Maybe then you'll figure out that the rest of the world may not find your child quite as charming as you do.  As a matter of fact, we probably dislike them with great gusto.
Calling my house and trying to sell me something I don't want is considered a crime by me. Usually, it's some bogus bullshit scam anyway, but even if it isn't, I am not interested. Doesn't matter what it is, I promise you, I don't want it. Lower rates, better phone service, a great new credit card, home owner's insurance, magazines, or an opportunity to enjoy a time-share if I'd only sit through a 3 hour presentation. None of these things appeal to me on any level. If I want a magazine subscription, I'll seek it out on my own. Donations are made by me when I deem the cause worthy, not because you called me during what you know to be the dinner hour in most households. Telling me you are calling from a different time zone does not excuse the poor timing. Making calls is your job, you should know where you are calling and what fucking time it is. Many telemarketers ears have been blasted by my booming bitch voice, letting them no in no uncertain terms that their call is not only unwelcome, but offensive, annoying, and that they should not ever call my house again. Hmm, I guess I don't put it quite as nicely as all that, but I'll bet you can fill in those blanks.
So many offenses, so little time. My feeling is this, if you have bugged me enough that I can't hold it in, you have earned the right to hear what I have to say. This may make me sound like a cranky, old bitch. I really don't care. Life is too short to put up with other people's lack of consideration for their fellow man. Our time on this planet is brief and fleeting. I don't intend to spend those moments being treated like dirty dog shit. We all deserve to enjoy our limited time here, and that includes being able to go about your day without suffering through the rudeness and lack of common courtesy that we are all entitled to as human beings. Maybe if more of you were like me, more people would get the hint, straighten up, and fly the fuck right. Do I think you will join me in my quest for a more considerate universe? Are you friggin kidding me right now???