Your mood swings are making me seasick...and other friendship blunders

Before you jump ugly with me, I know we are ALL guilty of these things. I'd just like to point them out as a kind of PSA to help others enhance rather than destroy beautiful friendships.  As we know, you must be a friend in order to have friends. Some call it the Golden Rule, while others call it mindfulness. Whatever title you'd like to assign it, the sentiment is the same. You can't act like an ass and expect people to fall all over themselves to like you. Seems simple, by all appearances it's easy to do. Yet there are more ass clowns than good friends in the world, and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of it.  It's no wonder most of us can count our true friends on one hand and have fingers left over. Truly fucking sad.
Nobody has a charmed life, I am fully aware of that fact. Good days and bad days are all part of the process. Explain to me when it became socially acceptable to abuse someone else in the name of releasing tension. That is what you are doing, right? You had a fight with your sister, so you yell at me because I walked on the right side of you instead of the left. The dog shit on the carpet.  Good reason to give me the silent treatment. You raised a rude teenager, it's my fault? That's what you are telling me when you snap at me two hours after your kid tells you to fuck off. Unload all over me if you want, as a good friend I am here to listen, commiserate, and plot the other person's unfortunate demise with you. What I am NOT here for is to be your punching bag. Verbal abuse hurts, too. It leaves invisible scars that never heal. Friends don't scar each other.
Worse than just taking your shit out on a friend is the emotional seesaw you put us on when your moods change like the wind several times throughout the day. Let me be clear, I am not inside your head.  I have no idea what is rolling around in there and why you are mad one minute and laughing the next. Aside from assuming you are bipolar, which is treatable with medication, I'm going to keep my distance until you decide what kind of day WE are having.  Most of us go through mood shifts throughout the course of any given day. No one is happy all the time. Well, I suppose those of you fortunate to be prescribed mood-altering drugs are, but the rest of us aren't. Vacillating between road rage and laughing yourself to tears with your best friend, feelings and emotions ebb and flow like ocean tides. Ride your personal rollercoaster alone, I won't be joining you.
The conversation hog kills me. Good friends want to share the minutae of their lives with you. Like the act of telling the story somehow validates the occurrence. We all do it. But most of us know how to listen to the stories of others with as much enthusiasm.  Being able to listen at least as much as you talk is crucial to any friendship. Toby Keith's song, I Wanna Talk About Me, sums it up pretty nicely in the line, "I like talking about you you you you, usually, but occasionally I wanna talk about meeeeee." We all have friends like that. The ones who are constantly bubbling over with more news and things that they just HAVE to tell you. Yet, when you actually have something to say, they listen with half an ear, respond briefly, and steer the subject back to them. Ask them tomorrow about the topic you brought up. They will have no idea what you are talking about...they weren't really interested yesterday, and so didn't really listen. Inconsiderate buffoons.

Do me a favor. No, really, do me a favor. Friends are there to lend a hand when needed. That is supposed to be a universal truth. But, what is closer to factual is most people are quick to ask for help, money, strong arms to lift something, a truck to haul something, a folding table, whatthefuckever. Ask them for something, even if it's just a small amount of time. They are almost always too busy, overbooked, unavailable, completely out of the item you've requested, currently in massive amounts of pain rendering them unable to lift, carry, or lug...basically, you are shit out of luck. Why? Because they just don't give a fly-swarmed shit, it's not about them. Your needs are not important, and why should they be? What does that friend stand to gain by lending you their truck to haul your Christmas tree from the lot? Not a goddamn thing.
Friendship is not a competition. Well, it's not supposed to be, yet I see it more often now than ever. If you buy a new jacket, your friend compliments you on it and goes out and buys one slightly nicer. When you tell her that your husband took you out to dinner, you find out that hers is now taking her on a weekend trip. Don't tell her your child has good grades because hers has PERFECT grades and is currently on the honor roll, plays 4 sports, and is assisting the principal in matters of student affairs. There's nothing you can say that she won't try to one-up you about, so don't bother coming to her with any celebratory news. She's someone who actually embodies the song Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better. Don't even bother singing back, she does that better, too. Take heart, she does this because her self-esteem is in the gutter. And you like yourself, right? You should, Tard!
Don't be a doormat. You are a good friend, you deserve to be treated as such. Stop allowing yourself to be used as a punching bag or a gross inconvenience. People who behave that way shouldn't be permitted to have access to your friendship. Yet, we'll do it over and over again. Why? Because good people always look for the good in others. We make excuses for their inappropriate actions and pave the way for them to be repeat offenders. It's a vicious cycle, and if you really care about that person, it's really hard to break. For one reason, you've allowed it to go on for so long, they think it's acceptable. Another reason is that usually, people who act any of the ways I've described can't handle hearing anything negative about themselves and do not respond well to any form of criticism, constructive or otherwise. It takes a seriously strong person to stand up to an asshole, especially an abusive one. I'm pretty fucking strong, but truthfully, it's easier to be passive-aggressive than face the fuckers head-on.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???