Ten things you should stop bitching about

Human nature being the way it is, most of us tend to complain...A LOT.  Far be it from me to claim that I don't, because Lord knows, and so do you, that I do. However, there are things that you have no control over, that are totally fucking ridiculous that you seem to harp on daily, much to the rest of our dismay. Even when you know that you are being repetitive as fuck, sounding like a total jackass, you still whine and moan about the same shit, every day. If you want to have at least one friend who can tolerate your presence, it's time to learn how to keep certain thoughts in your head. Not everything that pops into your cavernous and vacuous skull requires sharing.

1. The weather: "Hot enough for ya?" No, asshole, I prefer sticking my fucking head in the fireplace for maximum comfort, this is downright chilly. Why the fuck do people ask that question? When they aren't asking, they are complaining incessantly about the temperature. It's too hot, it's too cold, it's raining, it's snowing. Yes, those are the various weather conditions you may face throughout the year, get over it. Until climate can be controlled and changed at will, there's not a fucking thing you can do about, so shut the fuck up and dress appropriately for the weather.

2. Your parents: Aw, did they ask you to call them once in a while? Poor you, they are such pains in the ass! It's so hard to pick up the phone and talk for five minutes to the people who sacrificed their whole lives for you. Dammit, they want you to come visit? Christ, don't they know how busy you are doing nothing? God forbid you spent an afternoon with them. Please, tell me all about how you had to trudge from store to store with your fucking mom searching for the right mixing bowl. Poor you, your mom is actually alive. My heart bleeds a fucking river for you.  Suck it up and appreciate what you have because one day, they'll be gone...and you'll be crying to me. Trust me, I won't have any sympathy then.

3. Your kids:  I know they can be frustrating as hell, I have a teenager, I get it. But seriously, they aren't the devil's spawn. You created them, you made them who they are today. If you don't like what you see, it's on you. Your fuck ups are glaringly obvious when it comes to your children. They are like billboards advertising your shitty parenting. Not to mention, at least you have them. There are childless couples out there that would give up a kidney to have your so-called problems. Think before you open your cake hole.

5. Elevators that take too long: My GOD! Did it take a whole 17 seconds for that moving room to show up and carry your fat, lazy ass up two flights that you could have easily walked? Pressing the button repeatedly and bemoaning the amount of time it takes for the goddamn elevator makes you sound like a fucktarded, lazy shithead.  You can't speed it up no matter how many times you hit the button or how hard you bang on it. Hang tight, chill the fuck out, and wait like everyone else standing there with you who now have the unfortunate plight of taking the elevator WITH you when it arrives.

6. Movie trailers: Do you mean they actually expect you to sit on your ass in the soft, reclining movie theater seats, chowing down on your extra grande popcorn and watch previews to OTHER movies besides the one you paid to see? Oh my fucking God, you have to view fairly entertaining scenes from other shows for free before watching your movie? Do you see how ri-goddamn-diculous you sound? What's the big fucking deal? You have your popcorn and soda, you've attained the seat you wanted, you are seated. How hard is this task? You can even use this time to obtain your snack supply and arrive right before the feature presentation. Nobody is forcing you to sit through such hell. Most of us use that time to see what's out there and perhaps select the next movie or three we'd like to see. Most of us have more common sense and don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

7. Pro Athletes: Before you jump ugly with me, I know they can piss you off from time to time. I have been known to scream at the TV on occasion. I understand how emotional sports can make a person. But I have to remind you, these people get paid millions to play a sport at which they are incredible, they know what they are doing...and they already know when they've fucked up. No matter how much you get pissed off at their faux pas, remember this, they will ALWAYS play the sport better than you. That's why they make a living at it, and you watch it on the television or pay big bucks to see it in person. Are we clear?

8. Fat and skinny people: As much as I hate to admit it, waiflike, skinny bitches really irritate the shit out of me. Why do some people get lightning fast metabolisms while the rest of us have to worry about looking at a donut too intensely? That being said, and the fact that I have often told a walking stick person or two to eat a fucking burger, I am fully aware that it is none of my business. I also know that most people are not happy with themselves. Skinny people want curves, fat people want to be thin. We all want to be what we are not. What you have to remember, what's really important here, is that they don't want your fucking opinion. Everyone knows what they look like and they don't care what you think. Unless you know the whole story, and even if you do, shut your flap trap and live your own life.

9. Being sick: Yes, you are sick. Yes, you feel like day old dog shit. Yes, you are miserable. We get it. Guess what? You aren't the first person to experience the flu. We've all had illnesses, some not as bad, and some far worse. What I don't understand, is why you are posting all over social media about it. When I don't feel well, I sleep. I stay in bed, watch TV, and sleep for hours and hours. When you are clogged up, coughing and hacking, have the shits, or a severe migraine...why the fuck are you all over the internet? How are you calmly reading and posting? Probably because you aren't that sick after all. Or, you are so pathetic that you require long distance sympathy for your sniffles. Either way, we don't care. Harsh, but true.

10. Being single: If you are complaining about being single to anyone who will listen and posting all over your favorite social media site about how much it sucks, I want you to realize that YOU and you alone are the cause of your supposed misery. People who bitch and whine about their lot in life are unpleasant to be around. Nobody wants to listen to someone who is perpetually unhappy and unsatisfied. And no one wants to date them. Think about it, ass clown.

I'd like to think I've helped at least one person become more bearable to be around, a better companion. These are just a few things about which you should consider stifling your yap. There are many more, but those who have made a habit out of complaining need to start somewhere. I've provided that launch pad and hope those who needed that push hop on and start acting like someone others want to befriend. Step by step, you can become personable, charming, enticing to potential friends and lovers. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Once a douche canoe, always a douche canoe. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Eight Crappy Co-Workers to Avoid Like the Plague

With the creation of reality TV shows like Toxic Office, I felt the need to address this as it affects you. While it's hilarious to watch the suffering of others in their workplace, it's painful as hell when it happens to you. I'm certain you've come across as least half of these bitches and fuckers, but let's pick them apart one by one and see who works in your office!

1. Rival Rachel:  Rachel wants everything you have. Do you have a job one level up? She wants to be your equal. Are you gunning for a promotion? Rachel is, too. She is actively cutting you off at the pass to show you up and prove her skills far better than yours. Did you just get a raise? Dammit, it's high time she got one, too. She thinks nothing of marching in and ensuring your salaries are at the very least equal. For whatever fucking psychotic reason, she has it out for you and your standing in that office. Watch your back, her sword is poised and ready.

2.  Griping Gail: Gail's bad attitude is like a fast-spreading fungus throughout any workplace. This one walks around with a huge rain cloud over her head and will try to pull you under with her. You often wonder why she is still working with you if everything sucks big donkey balls like she often claims. The only conversation you've every had with her is likely to be a bitch fest about someone you work with, for, or the company in general. The problem is, she weaves her complaints in such a way that she sucks you into her vortex of anger  before you are even aware it exists. Now you are in a foul mood and have no fucking clue as to why. Stay FAR away from Gail, unless you want to require medication just to come to work in the morning. She will bring your ass down.

3.  Critical Cathy: Cathy is a close cousin of Gail. There is no one who does anything to Cathy's standards and she has no trouble letting you know. Hell, she'll tell anyone who will listen, doesn't matter if it's about them or someone else. Not only does SHE have a certain way of doing things that no one can replicate,there's often a former co-worker who also did things her way and there's no way YOU are filling his shoes. Cathy isn't a manager, she's a grunt just like you. However, she does it better than management, as well, because she just does. She's usually the one who has been there since the dawn of time and has begun to believe she actually founded the place...in here eyes, she may as well have, she's contributed so much. More than you, so pay attention! Tune this bitch out. Work is the only place anyone probably listens to her, the only place she feels remotely powerful. She's also usually older than dirt, so keep quiet and respect your elders.

4.  Flaky Florence: Florence is very difficult to work with for quite a few reasons. She is one of the most unreliable people you will ever meet. Never there when you need her, and when she is, she needs more help than a toddler trying to blow his nose. You'll love the reasons she calls out of work. Bizarre illnesses or hangnails and paper cuts which keep her home for days, her excuses provide entertainment at the very least. Some will make you shake your head before you laugh yourself silly. Didn't her grandmother just die six months ago? The answer is yes, and the other one died three years ago so it's not her, either. Her excuses have excuses and she is as useless as tits on a bull when she actually shows up to work. You can't fix her, you won't believe her, and you'll wind up stepping in for her ass more than you bargained for...transfer out of her department if you can. It's a never-ending life suck.

5.  Narcissistic Nancy: Nancy loves herself oh so much. Wait, you don't? Hold on a sec, allow her to tell you why you should share in this love affair. Nancy talks about nothing but herself. Don't think it's all personal stuff, nope. She likes telling you about what she does there that makes her so great. She can detail out her day like no one else you've ever met. The thing is, most of her jibber jabber is pure, unadulterated bullshit. She is Queen of the Tall Tale, listener beware. Although, more often than not, her fabrications are pretty transparent. There are times that sorting out her bullshit with other co-workers can be a fun group activity, but you definitely don't want to get trapped in the break room with her to gather that info.

6.  Big Mouth Brenda: Oh, Brenda, is nothing sacred anymore? Why must you tell everyone that I have my period? Just because you nabbed me on the way to the bathroom with my gigantic supply of feminine hygiene products of varying sizes and absorbencies, doesn't give you the right to not only mention it to every female colleague you run into, but speculate if that's why I'm so cranky today. I'm cranky because I ran into you with fucking ammunition to discuss about me and I'm pissed that I didn't see you coming and duck quickly with my products hidden better. Brenda blabs about everything, so don't confide in her. Your job depends on your discretion around her.

7.  Judas Julia: Julia will throw you under the bus in a fucking heartbeat. She's not adult enough to own up to her mistakes so she's become quite adept at finger-pointing and casting blame away from her general direction. She is a dangerous colleague and requires careful handling. The main objective is to always remain on her good side. She's far less likely to call you out to the big boss for her mistake if she likes you. Make her like you, for the love of all things holy. She's a force to be reckoned with and you aren't up for the reckoning.

8. Know-it-All Natalie:  Natalie loves to commandeer meetings with her wealth of expertise. Never one to shy away from crowds, she thrusts her hand higher than anyone's ensuring she is called upon to share her next barrage of commentary on the topic at hand...then segue into other topics that interest her. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and you can't teach Natalie anything. She knows it already. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, that's her. Not only does she know it, she knows new permutations on the theme and better ways of doing it. The best part about her...she is usually WRONG. This is what makes her bearable. After listening to her seemingly endless diatribe about issue X, you can rest assured that once again she's made an ass out of herself and provided you with hours of dinner conversation with your family that evening.

These are just some of the people you may work with, and I'm sure you could add to this list based upon your own work experiences. Actually, I'd love for you to add to the list! Let's make it complete, let's protect the innocent workers of America. I am always looking out for you, trying to prevent you from being a fucktard in public, it's time for you to step in and help another. Positive that you can double, shit..triple this list, step up and name some of the mouth breathers in your office! Will we make each other laugh so hard that tears stream down our legs? Most definitely. Will we change any of these douche canoes? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Reasons my cat is better than you

No, I am not one of those crazy cat ladies strutting around in a muumuu, long, frizzy braid down my back, hairy legs ending in Jesus sneakers, living in a smelly house overrun by felines. I have one cat, and one cat only. We had two for a couple of years when my daughter was adopted by an abandoned little old man of a cat who had more personality and charm than most of the people I know. Always offering a hug, he gave us more than we could have possibly given him. Yes, he hugged..wrapped his long white arms around your neck and squeezed while tucking his manly head into your neck. But years before that and since then, our home has been presided over and run by Becca. My 14 year old, tortie calico, pleasantly plump, baby girl. Needy and mouthy, I still love her more than you. As she plopped her fat ass in my lap while I began typing this, I knew exactly what I wanted to talk to you about today. I knew that I needed to tell you why she was WAY better than you.

1. My cat knows when to shut the fuck up. Now this may sound harsh, but I can tell her anything and after offering her opinion, she keeps quiet and lets me rant some more. She doesn't interrupt with nonsense and ridiculous solutions that I didn't ask for in the first place. She doesn't tell me that I am getting upset over nothing, SHE offers a head butt and body rub with a side of purr and lets me feel my goddamn feelings the way I want.

2. My cat does as she is told. She may not listen the first time to anyone else in the house, but she knows when I mean business. I don't have to yell, repeat myself, or get agitated. While she may give me a little lip, it doesn't stop her from doing exactly as I've asked her to do. Whether it is a request to get off the table and sit properly in a chair, or to come up to bed...she listens. Unlike the humans in my world who often look at me like I am either bat shit crazy or I've asked them to split an atom with their teeth. I'm pretty confident that asking someone to fold a blanket and lay it on the couch neatly when you are done using it isn't a feat of Herculean strength, impossible for anyone but an Olympic athlete.

3. My cat knows when I am upset. She doesn't ask moronic questions and tell me to get over it. I'm not expected to do anything but sit and cry if I want to...and she will sit with me until I am done. By with me, I mean on me, rolling around and purring. Instead of worrying about what I won't be able to do for her during this time, her only concern is staying with her mommy until she feels better. Imagine that kind of selflessness from a human? Most people are only worried about what your downtime means for them. Will there be dinner, clean clothes, coffee, food in the fridge?

4. My cat is independent. Sounds basic and precisely what you'd expect from a cat. But that isn't quite what I mean. If I am on the phone, she doesn't suddenly require my full attention about something that could have waited until I was off. She doesn't start talking to me and think I am going to ignore the person on the other end. She doesn't huff and puff until I get off because I am taking time away from her. She trusts that because I live with her, I will eventually have time for her, and any time I give her is just right.

5. My cat loves me just the way I am. She has no expectations of me whatsoever. I can shower or not. Do my hair or pop it in a ponytail. I can wear pajamas all day long for all she cares. Makeup be damned. Fat or skinny or somewhere in between, my lap is her favorite place, followed by the curve behind my knees when I am sleeping. I can be happy or mad, silly or sad. She loves me unconditionally. If I am having a bad day and griping about everything and anything, it doesn't phase her for a minute. Nor does it stop her from following me around the house, chirping, meowing, and purring. She won't avoid me because I am unpleasant in some way, nor will she get mad at me and have a tantrum or stop talking to me. Most people can't be that loving.

6. My cat is good at snuggling. Now I know that people are, too, don't get me wrong. But she takes it to a whole other level. She can tuck her body into mine and let me wrap my arms around her like a teddy bear and stay there as long as I want. She doesn't tell me that her arm is falling asleep or I'm giving off too much heat or that my feet are like icicles. She purrs and sighs and relishes the moment for as long as it lasts. How many of you can say you do that? Do you just take time to enjoy the moment with someone who loves you? Not as often as you should...or for some of you, at all.

7. My cat is always happy to see me. While I realize this may be hard to believe, there are actually people who may not always be pleased by my presence. This is not the case with Becca. It doesn't matter if I've been gone for the entire weekend or just came out of the shower. If I haven't been in her line of vision and she suddenly sees me, she lets me know how great it is to see me again. Chirping and flopping on the floor exposing that fat belly of hers, she tells me with great gusto how much my presence makes her the happiest cat on the planet. My own kid barely lifts her head up when I walk through the door after work. She's 17 so I don't expect her to run up to me screaming "Mommy" and wrap her arms around my legs like she used to, but a simple "Hey" would suffice. Ah, teens are grand, everyone should have one.

8. My cat never yells. She may get loud and yap away when she is enthusiastic about something but she never screams or throws a fit about anything. Even when she doesn't get her way, which is often since as she gets older, she gets more mischievous. Disappointed that she is not allowed to sit in the middle of the dining room table while we eat dinner, nor is she permitted to walk out the front door just because it is open, nor can she eat flowers or plants just because she wants to really badly...she wouldn't dream of mouthing off, screeching at the top of her lungs in a full-on tantrum because I said "no" to her. She huffs and walks off and then comes back because she can't stand to be away from the rest of the humans for very long. I know adults who don't handle disappointment with as much grace.

9. My cat doesn't hold a grudge. Most of the people I know are expert grudge holders...some lasting for years and years and years. Many of them don't even remember why they are mad, they just know the other person is still an asshole and that is all that matters. I've had people get mad at me for looking at them wrong. My face is very animated and there are times that my expression has more to do with what is going on inside my head than you or anything you've said or done. Yet, my face has gotten me into trouble. Becca never stays mad. I can yell at her for pulling all my sweaters off the shelf in my closet to make a bed for herself and 2 minutes later, she is slinking between my legs looking for a scratch on the head. I have come to realize that perhaps in her old age she has become a bit of a "Ten Second Tom" just like the character in 50 First Dates, but she has never run off and pouted like any of the humans in my world.

It's pretty pathetic that my cat makes you look like a fucking buffoon on so many levels of your human existence and manner in which you handle your personal relationships. But there it is, in black and white, she trumps you and probably always will. Damn shame that people don't take some cues from their animal children once in a while. They have so much to teach us about love and life if only we'd open up our eyes and stop being so goddamn stubborn. Can you learn from your pet? Are you friggin kidding me right now?

The stupidity that flows from your mouth

The language skills of our country have gone steadily downhill. Between slang, ghetto, corporate-speak, and advertising ditties, English has been bastardized beyond recognition. I don't know about you, but I feel embarrassment for the dumb ass that actually speaks this way. Then I feel ashamed of myself for being associated with such fucktarded people. As a proud American, I'd like to experience pride in the residents of this great nation. Alas, I cannot. We have become a nation of moronic-speaking buffoons. I've compiled a list of words and phrases that really stick in my craw.

1. New and Improved: Which is it? If it's new, then we haven't seen it before so we aren't sure how good it is, and so, can't improve upon it just yet. If it's improved, we have seen it, noted the flaws, and fixed them. Again, I ask, which one is it? I can't be both because it's an oxy-fucking-moron. That's like telling me that my only choice is X. If I have choices, I have more than one. Using oxymorons is just a confusing and stupid way to express yourself. Avoid it at all costs.

2. Two heads are better than one: Why would anyone want two heads? Are you joining the circus? You are assuming that the one original head is faulty and that the two in combination are somehow superior. You are assuming the value of each head and concluding that the two have more value than the first one. Trust me, my one brain outsmarts most of you in mass quantities. Also, having two heads is nothing but unwieldy and awkward. Bumping heads doesn't increase intelligence, it just increases risk of concussion. Don't be ridiculous, one smart person trumps 30 idiots putting their collective "heads together" any day of the week.

3. I'm only human: Like the rest of us. And, may I ask, what is the alternative for you or someone like you? We are all human, it's not an excuse to be an asshole or inept.

4. I thought to myself: As opposed to? Who else can you think to...are you able to transmit messages via the mind? Thought implies inside one's own head, not the head of a friend or colleague. Mental activity can only take place in your OWN brain, if indeed, you are the one thinking. The only way to share it is to SPEAK. Let's try to remember this the next time you have a thought.

5. You know what I'm saying?: This phrase is often peppered heavily throughout the conversation when the person speaking isn't very bright. I think they ask so often because they aren't sure themselves. Perhaps their vocabulary is so limited, they assume everyone else's is, too. Allow me to clarify, I'm neither deaf nor mentally deficient. Unless you are speaking gibberish, I know what you are saying. Stop asking every five fucking words.

6. Can we talk?: Aren't we already by virtue of you opening your cake hole and speaking TO me? I'm not mute, so I can talk, too. Therefore, it is assumed that we CAN, indeed talk. Would you like to speak with me? Ahh, is that what you meant? Clearly your vocabulary is just as stunted as your friend with the "you know what I'm saying" issue. The appropriate question to ask would be, "May I speak with you?" Because, really, I'm guessing you are asking permission, not confirming my ability to form words.

7. Tell you the truth or the truth be told: So, this time you are being honest? As opposed to all the other times when you didn't preface it that way and were actually lying? I'm trying to clarify for the next time we speak so I know which end of the truth is coming out of your mouth. I've noticed that people use this phrase after being asked their opinion. Since an opinion is not fact, it's subjective...it's hopefully going to be a true statement. Lying about your opinion is just a ploy to get attention or fit in...you aren't one of THOSE, are you???

8. Guesstimate, Informercial, and the other asinine combo words created by corporate America: Compound words are one thing, like baseball, lifetime, and grandmother...all acceptable terms. They exist in the dictionary from my childhood (another compound word) and make sense. What the fuck is a guesstimate? Isn't the act of estimating actually a guess? Isn't a commercial meant to inform? Your lame-ass creations are nothing but repetitive shit intended to sound intelligent. There's nothing smart about repeating yourself and not even knowing it's happening. Mouth-breathing dimwit!

9. No time like the present: I guess this one is true. The present only happens at that particular moment and once it passes it becomes the past. Looking forward, all you have is the future. So, in this instance it is factual. However, people use this phrase to point out that this time, right now, is the best time to do some activity. Yet, I have to ask you, can you do something 5 minutes ago? Unless you've perfected time travel, the only options you have are now...or sometime in the future.

10. Beg to differ: Have you ever seen someone actually beg to differ when their opinion is not the same as yours? Most people "beg to differ" with a certain amount of righteous indignation, and certainly do NOT beg.  I'd actually love for someone with a differing opinion beg me to change my mind. Lord knows, that will never happen in this lifetime.

11.  What do I look like..?: Usually followed by something like, an asshole, a moron, or an idiot, this question kills me. Do you really want to know? That question opens you up to a plethora of insults which I am not sure you wanted. I'd love to have the option to fill in the blank on my own. Is that possible or are you very specifically asking if you look like an asshole? Most people don't look like a puckered anus, although some come pretty fucking close.

My point is, and I do have one, Americans need to brush up on what proper speech sounds like, erase these godawful phrases from their vocabulary, and start speaking like they have more than a kindergarten education. Most kindergarteners sound smarter than the folks who speak this way. Dare I say I've had more intelligent conversations with the children in the Preschool class where I work? Yes, I dare say. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Are you friggin kidding me right now???: The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but....

Are you friggin kidding me right now???: The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but....: When I was a teenager, I had an intense love affair with the phone. My mom would yell for me to get off over and over, but I enjoyed talking...

The telephone shouldn't piss me off this much but..

When I was a teenager, I had an intense love affair with the phone. My mom would yell for me to get off over and over, but I enjoyed talking so much, I barely heard her. She eventually grew weary of the phone bill being sky-high and her friends being unable to get hold of her. That was when I proved my love by paying for all the local calls AND call-waiting. Then, when she yelled for me to get off, I could tell her that I paid the bill, I can talk as long as I want. Snotty little shit that I was.  But, in general, I had excellent phone manners. I knew how to answer politely, ascertain the identity of the caller, take a detailed message, and carry on a lovely conversation with whomever called at that moment. Many of my mom's friends and co-workers often mistook me for her when I'd answer the phone, my manners so mature and lovely. Didn't hurt that we not only looked alike, but sounded almost identical. But I digress. The point is, I had phone manners. People today do not.

When someone calls and asks to speak to my husband, nine times out of ten...this is not an exaggeration...they can have their question answered by me. Since I arrive home earlier than he does, I am usually the one who answers these irritating calls. After I've told you that he isn't home, this is his wife, may I help you...think about the nature of your call. If you are calling about a job opportunity, then I understand when you want to leave him a message rather than chat with me. But if you are calling to sell long distance service, ask about one of our bank accounts or credit cards, let me assure you, I possess the same amount of information and expertise on the topics and can easily help you if you weren't a sexist motherfucker. Alas, you are, and you want to speak to the man of the house. Why? Do you think the little lady can't make a decision about cell phone service? The little lady who probably has more education than you, random cold caller? It's definitely your loss, not mine. Know why? Because I won't even tell him you called, nor will I consider doing business with someone who thinks that women aren't smart enough to deal with such lofty matters.

Are you really asking me what phone number this is after I've spoken to you and listened to your spiel about whatever the fuck you are selling? You called ME, window licker...tell me what number you called. I'm not doing your job for you, if you don't know who you called, where is all this information coming from, anyway? This leads me to the person who calls my house and yells "Who's this?" when I answer. Seriously, how fucking stupid are you? You dialed the phone, you tell me. If you don't know because you are trying to reach the other two people who live here, you should also know who I am, as well. If you don't, then you don't know ANY of us and you are a pathetic excuse for a sales person and should probably be fired on the spot. But generally, the person who demands to know who I am isn't a sales person. I have no issue telling off a sales person, but I don't necessarily want to ream out the ass of someone's friend. Although, if this is the idiot you are calling a friend, you may want to rethink your friend circle a bit.

If the local police department was truly fundraising, do you think they'd actually call you personally? Or the fire department or any other public service department? They do not make those calls, nor do they enlist the help of a fundraising corporation to make those calls. If you doubt me, try asking them some questions the next time you get one of those calls. Ask where they are located, the name of the chief of police and who requested they make this call. While you are at it, ask where the fuck they got your phone number from, anyway? Right away you will find they make no sense and start to stammer all over themselves in an attempt to make up some convoluted bullshit response. A better idea would be just to hang up on them. Many folks haven't developed their sense of rude as keenly as I have, I am aware. I have no qualms about ripping someone a brand new asshole for calling before I hang up in the middle of myself screaming. I do this so I am actually hanging up on myself, not the jackass caller. A trick I learned from my grandpa, and I love it.

This is the era of technology, I know. But why can't I get a real human being on the other end any time I call a company? Why is everything automated? You can't possibly anticipate every question or problem I may be having, so how can you automate different options and think the list is complete? I will always skip to an operator as fast as possible, whether I hit zero or say "representative" or "operator," I assure you, I want a live body on the other end. Many times the automated systems crap out midway through the button pushing nightmare and you have to call back and start from the beginning, only to have it crap out again. Just because something is highly technical doesn't make it better. Sometimes talking to a person who can understand your particular situation and actually think of alternate ways to assist you is the superior option, far more so than the annoying recorded voice that often doesn't even recognize the number you've repeated four times and still hasn't transferred you to the correct department. We need real people manning the goddamn phones...who do you think is calling you, a machine?

Wrong numbers happen, I've fat fingered the phone key pad more times than I care to admit and have had to apologize to the stranger at the other end. What I don't do is argue with the person who answered and insist that I have the right number and they must hand the phone over to the person I am trying to reach. Explain to me why someone would argue with me about what MY phone number is? It's MY number, I know it by heart and can recite it anytime you'd like to hear it. How hard is it to admit you dialed wrong or perhaps wrote the number down incorrectly when it was given to you? We all make mistakes, own it and move on. Don't scream at me, pester me, and tell me that I am wrong and the number you've dialed is correct. It's not, I don't know you and now I don't like you. Another thing I won't do is call the same wrong number back a second time...and I certainly won't insist that THIS time I am right, dammit. I've had this happen to me and have been tempted to try to reach through the phone and rip the person's throat out. Don't be a loud wrong with me, I am louder and will win this battle.

When you call a different time zone, be aware of the time difference. Know the amount of hours you must add or subtract to your local time BEFORE you dial the number. I can't tell you how many calls I've received on a Saturday morning at 6:30am from some ass wad on the East Coast who has no idea that we are three hours EARLIER and can't comprehend why I am now yelling at them about the time difference, math, their brand of stupid, and why they should never call me ever again. My favorite response is, "Oh, I didn't know I was calling California." Really, you didn't? When you didn't recognize the area code as anything on your coast, it didn't set off alarm bells in your head? And, tell me, you truly have no idea what area of the country you are targeting today? That's the biggest pant load of shit I've ever heard. You didn't know, my fat ass. A little piece of advice, if you don't recognize the area code, look it up before you call or just assume they are on the opposite coast. Either way you won't piss someone off by waking them up before dawn's ass crack.

Sales calls should never come. But since that will never happen, let me amend that statement. Sales calls should never come during the dinner hour. Again, this could be a time zone issue, but if it isn't and you are just one of those rude fucks who use the dinner hour to ensure they actually get someone at home, don't expect me to be pleasant about it. I've asked if I can have their number so I can call them back during dinner another day. They never seem to want to share that info with me. I guess that may be because it's fucking rude as hell to call while people are eating with their families. Maybe it's because they don't like phone calls from total strangers trying to swindle money out of them for some nonsense item or service they have no interest in or they'd have called first. Who knows? What I do know is that if you call me, be ready for a headache, and perhaps the shock of a lifetime. I'm going to scream words that will make a sailor blush to ensure you understand how much the call is NOT appreciated.

Can we please bring back phone manners? It may be retro of me to want that, but isn't retro IN right now? Not that I care about being IN or current. I'd like to speak to real live people on the phone not machines. I want callers to check the number before they dial and maybe even ascertain the coast they are calling. Admit when you've fucked up and dialed incorrectly, it's far more classy than arguing with the person on the other end who knows their own phone number. Show some respect for women and speak to us like we are in possession of a functioning and educated brain instead of insisting that you need to speak to our husbands.  Some husbands aren't that bright. Mine is extremely intelligent...but that isn't always the case in every household. And don't forget there are the ones where the head of household IS a woman. Don't piss off the person who answered the phone, is that too much to ask? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Types of friends to avoid or kick to the curb

We all need friends, that much is true. But do we really need the friends we have? They fall under many different categories, some positive and some horrific. I've compiled a list of the horrific ones to help you weed through the people in your life and see if you still want contact with them. The list of people you call friends probably is heavy in the acquaintance arena and not so dense in the actual friend sector. That being said, the ones you consider true friends may still fall into one of these categories...some may shock you, others will force you to open your eyes to the truth.

1. Life Sucking Lily: Some folks think you were put on this planet to assist them through every aspect of their lives. Not only assist, but make them feel better. They overload you with details about everything that is going on in their world and expect you to pick them apart, searching for the deeper meaning of each occurrence. The deeper meaning and how they can improve it or kick it to the curb. If they'd only listen to you, this type of friend has the potential to make you feel like a sage, a lifesaver, a hero. The problem is, they don't ever listen. Not the first time, not the second, not the 423rd. Forcing you to put your own needs aside, you give and you give...and they take and take some more, leaving you physically and emotionally drained. The problem is, you truly care about this friend. You want what's best for them, for them to be happy. Here's a secret...they will NEVER be happy, with or without your help. Think about it. Life is too short to waste on this one.

2. Me Me Mimi:  She's always in a bind. Can you babysit for a few hours while she runs a few errands? Do you have an extra sleeping bag for her kid's sleepover? Maybe you can run it over to her because she simply can't leave the house right now? This chick thinks nothing of asking you to kennel your cat when she visits because she has allergies. God forbid she takes a fucking pill before she comes over. Make sure you have the correct bottled water when she arrives otherwise she will dehydrate at your home and it will be all your fault. Believe it or not, she thinks nothing of making these requests of you. She feels entitled to the things she desires, and since you are her friend, you should be willing to accommodate. The fun part of this friendship...ask her for a favor. See what happens. It is amazing how many appointments and errands she has to run the moment you actually need her to help you. Don't bother counting on her for anything. The only needs she will satisfy are her own.

3. Bullshitting Brenda: Poor, poor Brenda. She has so little self-esteem that she feels she needs to fabricate things to keep up with you and your life. She sees you as someone she aspires to be...so she pretends that she is. Sometimes she will tell you one story and a mutual friend something completely different. Trying to suit her audience and accommodate the level of trust she has for each of you, the "facts" she is conveying will be very specific to the one to whom she is speaking. Check in with the mutual friend after having a talk with Brenda. If she has spoken with Brenda, too, compare notes. A $250,000 house in your conversation may be a $500,000 house in the conversation she had with your friend. You'll never really know the truth because she likes it that way. Her version of the truth suits the way she views your relationship. If she feels above you, her truth may suffice as is, but should she feel you trump her in any way, her version of truth may be padded for your benefit. What I can't understand, is why you bother with her anyway? How can you have someone in your life whom you can never believe?  Kick this twat to the curb. Her issues are not yours.

4. Competitive Connie: Very similar to Brenda, Connie may also have issues with conveying the actual truth. She feels like she not only has to keep up with you, she has to surpass you. In everything. If you buy new shoes, Connie is a day behind you, and hers are more expensive and bear a schnazzier nametag. When you go on vacation, she's busily booking her next three getaways. Connie cannot be outdone, and she won't. Don't try to start an exercise routine, she will start three and lose more weight in two weeks than you could possibly in two months. She has to look better and have more than you to feel remotely good about herself. Why she chose you as her competition, you'll never really know. But rest assured, the games never end. Morphing from one into the next, you'll find yourself struggling to beat her out just to say you can. Don't turn into Connie. She's a cunt with inferiority issues that probably have their genesis in her childhood. You can't fix her, you can't beat her, and you certainly don't want to become her.

5. Single White Female: A close relative of Connie, SWF doesn't want to compete with you, she worships you. She wants to BE you. If that isn't creepy enough, wait until you show up at work wearing the identical outfit. She'll just smile and tell you how much she loves your style...as you are slowly backing away from her in abject fear. Piece by piece, she'll own most of your wardrobe, makeup, and accessories. Eventually, she will begin to sound like you as she adopts your vocabulary and mimics your inflection and tone. Explain to me why the fuck you'd keep her as a friend? Unless you feel safer keeping her close...

6. Psychoanalyst Sally: No, she isn't really a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or social worker. She fancies herself an expert on the mind, personality disorders, and relationships. Picking apart all your flaws, the flaws of your mate, your children, and your family, she takes great joy in bestowing upon you all her worldly advice. Of course, you didn't ask for it. That's ok, she doesn't wait for your plea for help, she doesn't need it. Her knowledge needs no invitation. You are clearly in need of her assistance and she is more than willing to give it in vast quantities. Should you be a complete and total flailing loser who requires constant advice and help in every area of your life, hold on to Sally, she's your life raft. But if you are anything like me, her help is as welcome as sharp fingernails being dragged down a lecture hall-sized blackboard.  Stay as far away from her as possible...out of her radar.

7. Whiny Wendy: There is nothing in her life that makes her happy. Not a damn thing. How do you know this? She tells you all goddamn day long. Her job sucks, her mate is useless, her mother calls too much, her brother doesn't call enough, her hair is one constant bad hair day, she's too fat, too thin...not one thing in her world is as it should be. When she can't access your ears in person or on the phone, and you don't respond to her texts, she takes the next road and posts all over social media sites, bitching and moaning about her day for God and everyone to see. Unless you have the patience of a saint or are partially deaf, just let her find a new sucker to emotionally drain and annoy.

8. Raincloud Rita: If you've ever watched SNL and seen the character played by Rachel Dratch, Debbie Downer, you know exactly what I mean without me typing any further. Should you be SNL ignorant, and shame on you if you are, let me explain. This chick is a walking rain cloud. She can take the joy out a newborn. Always ready to tell you all the potential bad, danger, evil, and problems with the current situation, Rita sucks the happy out of any room she enters. If you have even the smallest spot on your shirt, she points it out. That zit you were hoping was sufficiently covered, she notices and points out loudly. Are you about to go on vacation via airplane? She knows all the potential flight hazards and plane crash statistics for the airline you are using. She is a walking, talking buzzkill and has no place in your world.

9. Bipolar Betty: Oh dear Lord, this one takes the cake! Like walking through a mine field, her friendship is potentially explosive and just as scary. You can be her partner in joy, celebrating her day with great zest. Or, you can serve as her punching bag should her day not have gone according to plan. The choice is hers and you can't avoid the pendulum as it swings your way. Sadly, your day and its tone is totally dependent upon how hers is going or how last night went. One phone call can take a perfectly pleasant day and spin it on its axis, creating a vortex of spitting anger and vicious barbs aimed directly at you even though you've had nothing to do with it. She is migraine-inducing and frustrating as fuck. Send her packing!

These are just nine of the types of friends you may have or make along your life's journey. Having these guidelines should help you decide which ones to keep and which ones have asses requiring you to plant your foot in as you swing the door open wide enough for them to fall out. Don't hesitate, don't hem and haw. Just kick these twats out of your life before you lose your fucking marbles. Or worse, you become one of them or a frightening combination of several. To have friends, you must be one first. NONE of these people are a true friend. None of them have your best interests at heart. Are you friggin kidding me right now???