Euphemisms suck. Man up and just say it!

I despise euphemisms.  They are weak, vague, and speak more about the person spouting them than they do about the actual subject. Slang is one thing, I happen to use it profusely. Candy-coated flowery terminology for the down and dirty doesn't suit me at all, and it doesn't do much for you either. Perhaps if you are at work, they are necessary. Trust me, when you work with a room filled with 3, 4, and 5 year olds, you get awfully creative with vocabulary. Spelling out words works for quick little blurbs, but really, creative license works far better, especially when you are trying to be descriptive. Naturally, I've become quite adept at manipulating the English language having been in that world for thirteen years. Nobody can tell a bawdy story using creative substitutions quite like I can.
Let's talk about "adult entertainment" for a moment.  What exactly is considered entertainment and what constitutes the adult version of it? A child who can read will just believe that it means the stuff mommy and daddy watch after I go to bed.  Partially true. But really, is it just Weeds and Dexter-type shows? Sure, they have what is considered to be adult content, but are they adult entertainment? Nope.  Adult entertainment is what 15 year old Johnny watches on his computer when he wants to spank his monkey. Oops, another euphemism!  Johnny doesn't really have a monkey, does he? And if he did, would he really use capital punishment on an innocent animal?  Probably not. Let's face it, at 15, Johnny isn't an adult either, so this ridiculous euphemism makes absolutely no sense. Like most of them.
There are more alternate ways to say prostitute than are truly necessary.  What's wrong with hooker, or whore? Streetwalker can apply to any any pedestrian.  Anyone living in a city walks the streets to get where they are going at least half the time. I don't really think lady of the evening fits the job description at all. These women are not ladies and their job isn't time specific. One of my personal favorites is "escort" because I'm not quite sure these are the women you want on your arm at a corporate function. And as far as the term "working girl" goes, I don't believe that what they do represents the usual definition of work.  Correct me if I am wrong, but sex is a form of recreation, not mental gymnastics or heavy labor.
Of course, people don't take a piss or head to the head anymore. They visit the restroom. What the fuck makes it a RESTroom?  Did you grab a pillow and blanket on the way in? Is there piped in New Age music and incense burning? Can actual rest occur in a room where you do some of the most disgusting things you will do all day? Does the smell of shit put you in your peaceful place? To say you need to powder your nose is such an absolute lie!  Do you really think anyone fell for that as you excused yourself, stomach making inside fart noises as you back away from the table? Needing to sit on the throne, King Diarrhea? Draining the main vein, Sir Piss A Lot? Come on now, we all know where you are going, it's not a "powder room" unless you are going to shower first, and I'm positive you aren't seeing a man about a horse.  Unless you shit in the woods, the likelihood of meeting up with a large animal is slim to none. Call it like it is, go take a goddamn squirt, pinch a loaf, pee like a racehorse, but please don't park your breakfast or hose the porcelain.
Pregnancy has its own set of softer variations. Some like to say that a woman is "with child" but anytime I take my daughter with me anywhere I am WITH my child...but I sure as hell ain't pregnant! Being in the family way makes me think you are standing in front of a guy followed by his wife and kids.  What way is family? Knocked up makes me think of being beat into a gang.  Sounds more violent than giving birth is to your vag. Saying that a girl is in trouble...for what?  Did she break a window, run a red light, rob a bank? What exactly is she in trouble for, pregnancy isn't a crime. Telling me to look at someone's baby bump feels intrusive and a lot like I'm observing some kind of slowly growing tumor. Unless you are baker, don't tell me you have a bun in the oven. That's a living human being inside you, for Christ's sake, not a pastry.

Some of the best euphemisms are for death.  I know I am not supposed to be entertained by the dead, but jeez Louise, these are funny! Bought the farm is a favorite of mine.  If you buy a farm, doesn't that just make you a farmer?  Maybe to me that is a fate worse than death, but farmers work hard, they certainly can't be compared with a corpse. Airports have arrivals and departures, so if a person is departed, did their plane just take off? I've been to Vegas more times than I can count, I know how to cash in my chips, and I know that I walk away with money when I do.  No one has tried to kill me at the cash window, so how can that term really apply? What the fuck is with people? Asleep with Jesus.  I just found that one on the internet and I think I kind of like it.  Although, that could easily apply to all the old men in church on Sunday. Yet, they wake up in time for Communion and to leave. So, nope, they aren't dead yet, either. Shitting the bed is a fantastic term for death. Eventually, your body does lose control and all sorts of fun stuff happens, like shitting the bed, should you be in bed and dead when that stage of death occurs. So let's keep that one, use it freely.  But let's lose "kicking the bucket " because the worst that could happen should you kick a bucket is you break a toe or two, and since I've broken many of mine, I can assure you that you don't die as a result.
How about we all make a pact to just say what the fuck we mean? I don't want to have to wade through all of your verbiage to get to the meat of the matter. Just tell me the details, the way they were intended to be told.  Use the proper terminology, and we will get along just fine. I have neither the time nor the patience for your candy-coated, Leave it to Beaver vocabulary. Remember where I am from, realize blunt is always better, and get to the fucking point.  If you say someone is taking a dirt nap, will I laugh?  Of course, it's goddamn funny.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???