When you weave in and out of traffic, and you know who you are, ballbag, what do you hope to accomplish? You realize that you aren't getting to your destination any faster because you'll eventually get stuck behind two cars riding shotgun and then you'll have to drive in one lane like the rest of us. Zigzagging back and forth only puts me in danger. I shouldn't have to be looking out for the asshole who refuses to signal, yet wants to change lanes more frequently than I breathe. Not only are you forcing me to focus solely on you, but you are also asking me to be a fucking mind-reader and predict the exact moment you decide the person in front of you is not speeding as fast as you'd like them to...again. I'm fairly positive you aren't that important and wherever you are going, they don't need you there at warp speed. If you are running late, it sure as hell isn't my problem, don't make it mine.
Weavers are usually also tailgaters. No, I don't mean the activity that takes place before a ballgame in the parking lot involving copious amounts of barbecued food, beer, and chips. I mean you window-lickers who actually believe that if you ride someone's ass close enough, they'll speed up for you. This may not have occurred to you, but traffic often comes to abrupt and unexpected stops. Shit happens on freeways and highways that halts traffic in the blink of a fucking eye. How do you expect to come to a complete and safe stop when the nose of your car is up the asshole of the car in front of you? To the contrary, you will the cause of mile-long chain of accidents because you are delusional about your driving superpowers. Riding my ass only makes me go slower. Spiteful, maybe. But I don't take kindly to someone trying to force me to do something their way, and I especially don't appreciate you endangering my life in the process, fuck knob.
While we are still cruising along on the freeway of love, let's discuss those who don't understand that the text can wait till they are at a full stop on the side of the road, or at their destination. If you have bluetooth, call the person if it is that important. As long as you go hands-free, and holding your phone up by your mouth while having it on speaker is NOT hands-free, ass, it is in your hand...genuine hands-free-ness, I have no beef with you. But, when I see someone swerving and losing speed, I can be solidly certain that they are holding their phone with one hand, raised to steering wheel level, and are texting like their life depends on it. Guess what, fuckmonkey? Mine does. When you have lost all focus on the road, your car, the gas pedal, and maybe even on life in general, you are screwing with the lives of everyone around you. When I can see your phone, it's pretty obvious you aren't seeing much else. Put it down, put it down NOW.
Ever get stuck at a stop sign showdown? It's like something out of the Louis L'Amour books my father enjoyed or a friggin John Wayne movie. You can almost hear the background music and see tumbleweeds rolling by as you sit there, staring each other down. The fun part, is you know who has the right of way, but the other asshole hasn't the foggiest clue. And so, you sit and sit, and stare and grumble, cursing a blue streak because they should have gone already. Here's the basic rule, if you are there alone, come to a full stop, look in both directions, then proceed. If you aren't, yield to the driver on the right. Seems simple, doesn't it? Yet, so few seem to be aware of this rule. Hence the wild west atmosphere at most stop signs in this godforsaken area. Next time I'm faced with a cowboy who clearly never read the driver's license handbook, I'll have the music cued and ready, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.
The last thing that chafes my ass is the wide turn. Should you be driving a semi, I completely understand and respect your massively wide turn. Have at it, good neighbor. But, if you are driving a miniature Japanese car that I can put on my foot and skateboard home, stay in your motherfucking lane. All too often, I am forced to turn next to one of you. You who think your Hyundai is an L1011 and requires two lanes to execute a turn. There is never a valid reason to swing out into MY lane while making any turn. I shouldn't have to swerve out of your way to allow for your poor driving skills. Maybe you have body dysmorphic disorder and there's spillover into other areas of your life, like your fucking pint-sized car. Seek therapy, lose weight, vomit, whatever...but get help before you fucking sideswipe my vehicle.
I never claimed to be perfect, but holy stinking piles of raw sewage, the drivers I come across on a daily basis are so far from even average, it scares the shit out of me. The only safe way to get around is to be accompanied by a motorcade, and since I'm not important enough to warrant one, I take my life into my hands every time I get in my goddamn car. Maybe I'll have to move to some rural, shit stain of a town where there are only 4 other cars, and three are pick up trucks. Perhaps a bit of space between me and the next asshole is necessary. The fact that I am considering taking my car and heading for points cow-lined should tell you something. This city girl can't stand the quiet, the stand-still pace, or the slow of mind, but for my safety and the safety of my family...I'll take a Xanax and give it a try. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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