Hypochondria alert! You aren't that sick, man the fuck up.

We've all had colds in our lifetimes. I think it's safe to say that we have all experienced a fever or two. I'll go out on a limb and say everyone has had a headache at least once. Maybe I'm pushing the envelope a little too far, but I will assert that we've all had to use a band aid, too. Yes, we all survived childhood and beyond.  Nobody died from a paper cut. Pulled muscles aren't contagious. Mosquito bites aren't cause to stay home from work. Most cramps are just that, cramps, not a deadly disease.  Why am I stating the obvious? Because I can and because I believe there are many who actually require this information. Many who, if given the opportunity, will milk these things for days and use them as excuses for not functioning like the rest of us. To those guilty of these heinous offenses, you can suck my ass.
I have to bite my tongue every time someone gets a headache and needs three days off to recuperate.  Unless it's a migraine, I don't even want to know about it. Take Tylenol, or stronger if you are lucky enough to have it, and move your ass. If I can function with one of my brain seizing, three day migraines, you can get off the couch and wash a dish. All too often I see people rubbing their temples and moaning aloud, seeking my sympathy. Not gonna happen, fuckwad.  Until you've experienced the intense, knife-like pain that wraps around one side of your head, makes one eye unable to fully open, causes your jaw to ache, turns your stomach upside-down, and turns the sound of a whisper into an ear-piercing shriek, you haven't had a real headache. Excuse me for my lack of concern, here's two Advil, shut your cakehole.
Colds are caused by viruses not the weather. That was a PSA for all of you who still make your child bundle up and don't allow them to play outside in the winter for fear of getting gravely ill. Also, since I grew up in NY, where snow is a common occurrence and the wind chill factor bringing the temperature down to below zero happens every winter, I have first-hand knowledge that being chilly doesn't kill you. Actually, thanks to my CPR/First Aid instructor, Rhonda, I can tell you with all confidence that germs can't survive in the freezing cold. This should tell you that your kids are better off playing outside in the winter, than being cooped up inside with your nasty germs. Back on topic, colds suck, I don't deny that. They don't debilitate. Treat the symptoms, and get on with your life. Leaving the symptoms untreated can lead to pneumonia, I learned that the hard way last February. But, a little bit of snot is not insurmountable.  You can drive a car, pour yourself a cup of coffee, and throw in a load of laundry. I promise you won't die.

If you have a fever, stay home. You are contagious and your germs aren't welcome in my body. Keep your shit to yourself. Most schools have a "no return until 24 hours fever-free" policy for a reason. Unless you have allowed your body to successfully fight off whatever it is trying to kill when it spikes a fever, you are still a walking disease. This is usually not cause to go racing to your doctor, clogging up their waiting room and using up an appointment spot that someone who actually needs a doctor's care would have used. Practice at-home triage. Unless your fever is lasting more than 3 days, put the phone down and leave the appointments open for the truly sick. You must be the same person I saw sitting in Urgent Care with a fucking hangnail.  Next time, ask me for help.  I'll rip it right out for you, no co-pay necessary.  Your scream of agony will be payment enough.
Everyone has pulled a muscle or had a backache.  It hurts like hell, I know. But really, unless you caused this pain competing in the Olympics or working in construction, I'm pretty sure an OTC NSAID will do the trick and allow you to join me at work. So unfeeling, so cold. Yup. I have scoliosis, so backaches are a way of life for me. Some days are worse than others, like today, and usually I blame old age, take some Aleve and do my job.  Yes, I may move more slowly, but I'm not sitting on my ass or asking for the day off so I can cry in my pillow. The S shaped curves in my spine are a part of me, and I do what I want when I want. Lifting heavy boxes, moving furniture, walking long distances, and carrying my own groceries up the stairs.  In 26 years, my back has only laid me up twice.  Think about it the next time you want to cry to me about your aches and pains.

Oh no, you have a skeeter bite?  I'm so sorry to hear it.  Are you allergic to them like my daughter? Does the site swell up like a giant, red skin mountain? Has your elbow ever ballooned to twice its normal size after being bitten?  No?  Didn't think so. Guess it ain't that bad, now is it? Being itchy blows chunks, I totally agree. But really, whining incessantly about it while scratching yourself like a flea-ridden dog is taking it a step too far. Having a flair for the dramatic is great when telling a story, it sucks moose balls when you are complaining about something minor. Know the difference. I do, and I can help remind you by punching you in the throat if you'd like.
Of course, there are real allergies, and the made-up, I'm really just paranoid kind. To revisit my class from Saturday, some people have such serious peanut allergies that just being in the room with peanuts can cause severe anaphylactic shock and require being stabbed with an EpiPen. Scary shit. I hope I never have to do it, but I will should the need arise. Then there are the "I've never given my child peanuts because I fear any kind of reaction, even a rash scares the beJesus out of me, so I will just say he's allergic to them anyway" allergies. This type makes me want to shove a heaping tablespoon of peanut butter into the mouth of the one with fake allergy, screaming, "See, you stupid bitch!  He lives, he lives! Now put your tit away and let him drink cow's milk, you filthy pig."
One of my favorites was the mom of a child who clearly liked bandages with cartoon characters on them, and was told that the ones from school "bothered" him. Right.  Latex allergies suck, and yes, my daughter has one. She found out in a particularly enjoyable way. We ignored the red marks band aids left on her skin, chalking it up to being sensitive. OK, so the marks looked like raw meat and we were fucktarded about it. Fast forward to she is ten years old, and needs braces. Not just the basics, nope.  Bring on the rubber bands!  Required to stretch them in unattractive and odd directions, she was told she needed to use them all day every day, and to bring them with her everywhere just in case one snapped or she ate and needed fresh ones. Imagine our horror when she wore them for an extended period and her mouth and lips swelled up so badly, she looked like she had the shit beaten out of her. That's a latex allergy.
Allow me to remind you, for every ache, pain, stuffy nose, skinned knee, and hemorrhoid...there is most definitely at least one person out there who has it way worse than you.  The reason you aren't aware is they've not uttered a word of complaint.  You haven't give them the opportunity, nor do I truly believe they would, anyway. Cancer, Parkinson's, heart disease, diabetes, leukemia, or MS just to name a few. People in my family, people in yours. Suffering silently every day, yet going about their lives with great gusto and enthusiasm.  People have real debilitating diseases and painful disorders and live normal lives. Why can't you? Is that paper cut so painful it has clouded your ability to use common sense?  Don't look to me for sympathy, my heart aches for those in my family who are really ailing. Don't even ask for a tissue. Are you friggin kidding me right now???