More delusions of grandeur, or when did you qualify for a Royal Wedding?

Way back when, in the days when people in my generation were planning their weddings, things were quite different than they are today.  Gross understatement of the century. The parents of the bride paid for the wedding, so the mother of the bride had veto power when it came to much of the planning and decision-making. The parents of the groom paid for the honeymoon, and they had little or no say in the planning except for handing the bride their guest list, to be edited at her and her mom's whim. And why should they have a say, they aren't paying for it and the wedding is about the bride, isn't it? The groom came along for the ride when seeking out the reception hall, for food tastings, and accompanied the bride alone when attending band showcases, making for a cheap date night. His responsibility was organizing his men to rent the tuxedos and paying for the flowers. The bridal attendants bought their dresses and had to show up to fittings.  The maid of honor organized the bridal shower.
Once the reception hall was chosen, the bride and her mother would narrow down choices for things like table linens, centerpieces, matchbooks, and favors. Then the bride and groom would go through what was left and made a few decisions of their own. Papers were signed, boxes were checked off, and blanks were filled in by the wedding planner who worked for that particular hall. You didn't really get back in touch with that person until you chose your band, picked out your menu items, and had your final head count so they knew how much to rape you, I mean charge you. Little details like favors were taken care of later on, usually by the bride and her mom or some other crafty relative. There were more important things to worry about.  Like getting the church booked for the date you've chosen, signing up for pre-cana, getting your wedding gown (notice I used the singular, not the plural), reserving the limos, and deciding where you and your soon-to-be spouse were going to live after you said "I do" and returned from your honeymoon.
Things like the photographer and videographer also need to be booked ahead as well as choosing your hair and makeup person and booking them so you aren't scrambling at the last minute. But, believe it or not, these details all fall into place. The bride's mom has been looking forward to and mentally planning this moment since the day her little girl was born, she can do this with her eyes closed, standing on one leg. She has all the details in her head, the timing, and exactly how it is going down, even if you haven't a clue. She will lead the bride and groom through the process so completely that they should arrive at the altar unscathed, without stress, and ready to enjoy the party afterwards. Even though it may seem like you are constantly busy, looking at halls, listening to bands, and tasting all kinds of food until you want to barf up a lung, this part of the process is brief in the grand scheme of things.
The most stress I remember feeling was over the guest list. There were people I simply didn't want at my wedding and it was causing such a fucking riot, you'd have thought I told my own mother not to show up. Fights, screaming, nasty phone calls, crying, door slamming, and you name it...all over one goddamn person.  And she wasn't even related. The person in question, and I am really using that term loosely, had caused more fights within our two families than all of us and the entire planning process combined. An ex-friend of mine who decided to go "single, white female" on me and then get mad at me when it didn't work the way she planned. This bitch was a complete and total loon, who didn't belong within a 200 yard radius of my wedding, but had some folks insisting she attend because of who she was dating at the time.Yes, I was the idiot who introduced her to my brother-in-law, I made my bed, you don't need to drive that point home for me.  That point was driven home like a fucking tire iron through the eye socket for many months up to and including my wedding day. So, I understand that planning a wedding isn't all wine and roses.
Fast forward to today, 2012.  What the fuck happened to planning a beautiful ceremony to begin your lives together and then a fun party afterwards for you and those who came to wish you well? It's a three-ring circus, and I do NOT understand it.  I suppose it has something to do with the bloated sense of entitlement this generation feels. They believe the world owes them something, starting with their parents and trickling down to distant relatives and friends. Wedding planners, event coordinators, hair dressers and makeup artists summoned before dawn's ass crack to ensure that each and every person in the bridal party looks a certain way, music directors, itineraries, and all sorts of crazy shit that I am sure I am missing, but happy to have not dealt with 20 years ago. Where does it say on your birth certificate that you are entitled to a wedding to rival Charles and Di's? Pull that shit out and re-read it.  Mine is most certainly missing that clause, and I'll bet the farm that yours is, too.
What changed so drastically that now requires a staff of people to plan and organize a wedding? I'll tell you what...weddings have become major, Hollywood gala events. Even for the average couple, a wedding is a red carpet happening and has to top the last one they attended.  This is why guys propose using a flash mob and then post the whole thing on YouTube, and why the Father/Daughter dance is now choreographed and also posted on YouTube for Jesus and all to see. Did I say I wanted to see your fucktarded dance with your dad?  And isn't a proposal a very private and romantic thing meant to be shared only by the couple?  Now it's just another public, attention-whoring spectacle to be witnessed by anyone and everyone so the couple feels somewhat validated in their imagined coolness. Will the wedding night booty be next?  Will those who attended the wedding receive a DVD with full bedroom coverage of the entire night, including the part where they almost fall asleep during the act because they are so fucking tired from an entire day and night of celebrating?

Have you all seen the wedding websites couples now have? Yes, websites. The couple designs a site, with the help of an internet wedding web designer, containing family photos dating back to infancy, life stories of both the bride and groom, information about the upcoming nuptials, the honeymoon, and links to the bridal registry so you can ensure the purchase of the incredibly expensive dishes they want but will never use, yet feel they should have. How goddamn important do these kids think they are? If you are being invited to their wedding, you should probably know much of their story, and shouldn't need a website to learn all about them.  These sites will tell you where they met, their love story, the details of the proposal, and all the information that a friend or family member should already know if they give even the tiniest shit about this couple. Slightly self-important?
Of course, this is only part of the web ordeal you will be subject to for their wedding. Many people are now asking you, the invited guest, to not only purchase an overpriced shower gift, a nice outfit for the actual wedding, possibly plane tickets and/or hotel booking, but they are also "suggesting" that you fund their honeymoon and the activities they enjoy while at their dream destination. I kid you not, I've actually had to do this for a friend. You receive the link to the site where you are flooded with lovely photos and accompanying background music detailing the destination the couple has chosen for their honeymoon. Then, you are directed to view all the amenities and activities they would just love to enjoy while they are there. This is when you get to see the list priced from high to low, for you to choose how much money you want to spend on what part of their trip for which you'd like to pay. Realize that you can also assist in funding the plane tickets for them to get there if you are feeling flush and want to show off, because when you do purchase something, your name is now and forever associated with your purchase. Thinking about cheaping out? They have made it almost impossible to do that knowing that everyone will see what you've spent.  Clever motherfucks.

Have I mentioned that the bride now wears TWO dresses? You read correctly, two. Why she needs two is completely beyond my scope of understanding, but she wears one to the actual ceremony and changes into another for the reception. Kind of like a Quinceanera, where the girl changes her shoes from flats to heels, now I suppose the bride wears her "virginal" long gown for the church portion and her slut, bitch, whore dress for the reception?  Maybe it's her "old married hag" dress?  I haven't the foggiest clue. What I do know is that it's just another ridiculous and unnecessary expense that further facilitates these overindulged pieces of shit to behave like brats. Acting like spoiled princesses instead of future wives, these chicks act like their vajayjays are pure as the driven snow instead of like NY expressway snow, plowed within an inch of its life, needing two fucking white dresses.  Bitch, please.
What we have here is just another piece of evidence that today's young adults are just as spoiled and entitled feeling as today's youth. You've bred a generation of fucking deluded douchecanoes and now the rest of us have to attend their gala wedding weekends, spend more cash than they deserve because we don't like them that much anyway, and feel obligated to look at their moronic websites, YouTube videos, and other assorted asinine bullshit associated with weddings of 2012. I hate to give this advice, but if you really expect friends and family to deal with the stupidity of your "fairytale" wedding crap, do us all a favor, elope. Save us the hassle and the end result is the same. The question I have is, will you divorce with the same amount of fanfare? The rest of us are dying to know. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Watch your fucking mouth!

You heard me, that language will not be tolerated here.  Words you will never hear spoken by me. Something about using the right word for the job just appeals to me, tickles my fancy. Most people use way too many words to express a simple thought in the attempt to avoid using one well-placed curse word. What's the point? To me, some messages get lost in translation when you talk around the four-letter word rather than just saying it.  I've heard people go on and on, trying to get their point across, usually quite angry, but never get there because they were too puritanical to throw in a spicy word or two. Talking to someone like that bores the shit out of me, I'm always waiting for the punch line.
Never allowed to curse in the house until I turned fifteen, I honed my skills at school talking with my friends. We cursed every chance we got, walking down the hallway, in the cafeteria, during play rehearsals, and in the notes we passed back and forth in class. Bodily functions, body parts, insults, exclamations, you name it, we had the terminology and we used it...profusely.  When we were younger, it was purely to appear cool.  Kids who didn't curse were considered dorky and you bet your ass I wasn't going to be a dork. Out of parental earshot, we used the foulest language we could come up with, right or wrong. Correct usage came with time.

Since practice makes perfect, I cursed as much as humanly possible without getting caught.  That was a trick, since I was in a Catholic school and nuns had morphing powers mere mortals didn't have, they could be in your back pocket before the tail end of "motherfucker" left your lips. I think it made us better at it, far better than other kids our age. This would also be the reason we passed notes more efficiently and were able to help friends out on tests more stealthily. Kind of like FBI or CIA training, we learned to be seen and not heard, and often, not even seen. We have a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long Catholic school career.
Once proper usage had been learned, we were able to tweak it to suit our meaning quite easily. By the time I was actually allowed to curse in the house, with the exception of "fuck" because that one was too harsh by my mom's standards, I could let fly like a truck driving sailor. And boy did I. My mom would have to remind me when we were in public to whisper those beloved words so others didn't think her lovely little girl had a barroom mouth. I really did, but strangers didn't need to know, in her opinion. So, I saved it for the car and in the house. Maybe that is where my driving vocabulary came from, all that practice in the car?

Speaking of car vocabulary, even people who don't normally curse, swear up the left and down the right once they get behind the wheel. Something about other drivers and their inability to drive according to your standards brings out the sass mouth in everyone. For me, even if the other driver doesn't hear me, and I go out of my way to ensure that they do whenever possible, I feel better after spewing as much profanity as possible at them, their mothers, and anyone who may remotely resemble them. I need to let them know how fucking dangerous their shitty driving is and how much they pissed me off with that one goddamn move. They need to hear it, and who better from than me?  Setting the world straight, one driver at a time. You're welcome.
Not only does cursing make your point quickly and more effectively, but those words have more flow when spoken than the alternatives people try to use in their place. Tell me I'm not alone in this opinion, but screaming "Goddamn it!!!" at the top of your lungs feels and sounds better than replacing it with "Goshdarn it!" when you jam your toe into the solid wooden chair so hard you are certain it shattered on impact. "Cheese and Crackers" may be church-friendly, but "Jesus Fucking Christ" sets the tone a little better. While the word anus is anatomically correct, in order to maintain clarity, you should call someone an asshole so they know you are serious. Breasts are something you cut off a whole chicken and bake in the oven. What I keep inside my Victoria's Secret bra are tits. Defecation is a bodily function, but when someone cuts you off on the freeway, they are a fucking piece of shit. Are you following along here?

Impossible to teach you a lifetime of colorful vocabulary, I can't just give you a list to memorize to be tested on at a later date.  No, you have to get out there into the world, put on your big girl panties, and say what you really feel. Nobody wants to hear you tell them to shut the front door, when you actually want them to shut the fuck up. If your friend reamed you a brand new asshole for not texting her back as quickly as she would have preferred, don't tell me she got really angry. She didn't, she ripped you a new ass. See how much more descriptive my way can be if only you'd embrace your inner bad ass? Let's boycott all this Pollyanna-ish talk and start using the words we really want to, the ones that make our stance on any given topic clear to all listening. Who gives a ripe fuck what some tight ass thinks of us when we express ourselves in the manner we desire? Do you think I care?  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Let's talk about sex...

Oh my fucking God, she went THERE! I figured now that the election is over, and praise Jesus, Obama is still our Commander in Chief, we could move on to more interesting topics. Like sex. Come on, we all think about it. Many of us talk about it. And most of us do it. Those of you who don't, I'm sorry, use more deodorant. Actually, I cannot think of a reason why someone would opt out of something so normal and natural. Like those born-again virgins you hear about, what the fuck is that?  Some decide that they've been such gigantic whores up till now that they feel they should have a fresh start. Uh, what's done is done, you can't un-fuck someone.
Oh, but wait, they have surgical procedures that can, ahem, re-virginize you. I'm serious, it's called hymenorraphy, and you can have one if you want to restore your hymen to a virginal state. Realizing that the hymen has an opening to begin with and can be torn by things other than having sex, should dissuade you from spending time, money, and having surgery to "correct" something that can't truly be corrected. I know there are cultures out there that still value virginal status and take it very seriously. Many of these women will resort to this procedure to help their marriageability and prevent them from being stoned or whatever Dark Age-torture their ridiculous, behind the times culture requires when they discover you aren't pure. Bring on the double-standards!!!
Moronic double-standards aside, we need to look at the reason there is a push towards abstinence. Since when did that become better for you? There are those who believe that sex clouds clear-thinking and the ability to focus. Sounds to me like someone not getting any in the first place. If you are one of those people who have become so addicted that you are yanking your own crank all day and it is now interfering with work and your family life, then yes, you do need to take it down a notch.  At that point, it IS clouding your ability to do much of anything.  I've heard folks say that it frees up their schedule for other things. Like what, the fucking Peace Corps? And before this ah-ha moment you were having sex, what, 15-20 times per day? How the hell can cutting out something that may take the lesser part of an hour, free you up to do anything productive? Unless you are doing it all day, every day, I imagine you still have time to take up a hobby, join a club, socialize, learn a language...whatever the hell it is you feel you may be missing out by having sex.
We can't forget the alternative-lifestyles, now can we? I love that terminology, alternative lifestyle.  Alternative to what? Can't something just be what it is without requiring a PC title to make people outside the loop more comfortable with talking about it? A cigar is just a cigar, and a fetishist is just a fetishist. Yes, fetishes exist, and they are just as natural as breathing or having sex in the missionary position, but not quite as vanilla. Stop shaking your head and gasping like someone ripped a fart in church. Who are you to judge what makes another person happy?  If they aren't hurting you or someone you love, shut your flap. It's none of your business or mine what goes on behind closed doors and involves consenting adults.

Yet, so many people are absolutely baffled by, freaked out about, disgusted regarding, however you want to put it, those who enjoy different sexual outlets.  Nobody is saying YOU have to participate, just accept that there are vast differences between your bedroom habits and theirs, then move on. Most fetishes are completely harmless, yet because you don't engage in them, they are god-awful, should be banned, are sinful, make you vomit in your mouth. How fucking repressed are you? If someone wants to be pissed on, and they have found a person who likes to piss on people, who am I to tell them they can't do it? There's no danger in that particular activity, why does it frighten you so? The fact that you sit around eating bon bons all day long is more repulsive and far more physically dangerous than a golden shower could ever be. Think about it.
If a guy who is powerful by day wants to be tied up and whipped by night, can you begrudge him the release he feels with each lash? Since you aren't in his shoes, you don't get it.  He doesn't expect you to, but he would appreciate it if you'd keep your negative opinions to yourself. He isn't in any danger, haven't you ever heard of a safe word?  I know you ladies have read at least book one in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. You know exactly what I am talking about...it excited you, admit it. Being the one in charge, calling the shots...pretty hot, right?  For those of you ignorant about these types of things, the submissive is actually the one with all the power.  That is DEFINITELY another topic, and I have neither the time nor the patience this evening to delve into that world, not that I don't have a soft spot in my heart for it.

Those of you who have a touch or more of homophobia, or worse actually hate gays, make me want to take a potato peeler to your body and just when I've stripped off as much skin as I deem necessary, drop your fucktarded asses into a vat of lemon juice. That's hate. You have absolutely no reason whatsoever to hate someone based upon their sexual orientation.  Notice I didn't say preference?  Why is that?  Just like you didn't make a conscious choice to be straight, gays don't wake up one morning and say, "Today's a great day to be homosexual!" Why would they make a choice to be someone who is subject to hate, prejudice, and violence? As I've stated, what goes on behind closed doors doesn't affect you, keep your ugly inside...it's already starting to show on the outside.
Talking about sex, sharing, joking around, it's all perfectly normal.  Locker room talk takes place among both men AND women, and it should. The more something becomes mainstreamed, the less taboo is carries and we can start to enjoy life and love as it should be enjoyed. The U.S. is incredibly repressed sexually as a nation and could learn a lesson or two from the good folks across the pond. I'm not saying we need to make all beaches topless, I don't want to see the long, flapjack titties that most women over 40 who have children are toting around on their chests. What I'd like to see, is the human body respected and appreciated in all its forms, shapes, and sizes.  Everyone has the potential to be sexy and sensual, and should be allowed to feel that way.

We need to stop demonizing sexual practices that extend beyond the standard man/woman boot knocking. I've said this in a previous entry, if a man wants to worship your feet, and you are comfortable enough with your body to allow it, let him work those toes into a lather. Don't stand there with your arms folded across your chest glaring at the person who just came out of the local "intimate" shop with a bagful of handcuffs and whips. She has as much of a right to enjoy her sexuality as you do, with one difference. She isn't afraid to express herself fully, you are. Get over your own fears, lose your prejudices, stick your negativity up your fat ass, and try to grow the fuck up. It's 2012, not 1901. Like George Michael said, "Sex is natural, sex is good.  Not everybody does it, but everybody should." Do I think I've reached half of you? Do I believe you'll open your mind just a wee bit more? Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Election day: Obama vs Romney.

Since a large portion of you have not heeded my advice about keeping politics the fuck off of Facebook, Twitter, and out of my earshot, I feel obligated to have this discussion again. Feeling passionate about your candidate is great, I fully support your right to do that. Having extremely strong opinions about political topics and possessing deep-seated beliefs are your God-given rights. As an American you have the right to vote for any available candidate you want. You also have the right to be a member of any political party you choose while voting your conscience, privately.  That decision is between you and your ballot. While I may disagree with your choice, I respect your right to choose. Sadly, many of you do not share that respect for others. And you do it loudly and with great zeal like the dumbfucks I've found you all to be recently.
Some people vote the way their parents voted, which is the way their parents voted, and so on. Maintaining the familial party lines and not veering from tradition, they blindly follow decades of voting patterns. As stupid as that is, I don't begrudge you your right to do so. Just like I respect those who break free from the confines of their family's long-standing opinions and vote based on their own opinions, needs, and research on both candidates. Research, do some, it may sway your vote. Speaking of research, I do wonder how many people actually do that before they walk into their polling place or seal their absentee ballots?

Research doesn't mean looking for nasty pics insulting the other candidate and preaching your religion and fuck knows what else and posting them all over the place.  This doesn't constitute true research.  All it shows me is that you know how to use Google. Congratulations, so do most elementary school children, fucking window licker.  Nasty and misleading, they only tell one side of the story, and that side is skewed based upon one person's opinion.  Yet, you look them up and post them like your life depends on it. What are you hoping to prove?  Do you think that if you put up enough libelous shit, you'll convince me to vote the same way you do? Trust me when I tell you, in general, bombarding me with negativity and insults to my intelligence doesn't move me to agree with you. As a matter of fact, it sends me on my own information hunt to check the validity of what you've attempted to shove down my throat.
Once again, I'm seeing tons of religious posts supposedly there to justify the support of a particular candidate. Did you forget separation of church and state?  I did post the entire quote a few entries back for those who didn't remember. That was nice of me, wasn't it? I figured the people who would allow their religious affiliations to dictate who they could vote for weren't very intelligent and perhaps missed that lesson in school.  You are quite welcome. Personally, I don't give a ripe fuck why you are voting for your candidate, but please don't base it on your future spot in heaven. For those who  calculate their every move using their religion as a guide, it's your BEHAVIOR here on Earth that decides whether you move on to paradise or if your destination is a bit more southern in direction. It most certainly has nothing to do with the person you vote for in the Presidential election. God doesn't care, He has more pressing issues than for whom you are voting. Look around you.

Please stop filling my feed with pro-life shit. I am pro-woman and that encompasses your opinion and mine. Just because I would not choose to terminate a pregnancy, doesn't give me the right to tell someone else what to do with their body. Women have come so far...we drink, we vote, we go to college, we work outside the home, and goddamn it, we can decide what grows in our uterus! Those of you who are bleeding heart bible thumpers seriously get on my last nerve. Allow me to remind you that I am indeed, a Roman Catholic who married a Roman Catholic and has raised her only child Roman Catholic. My religious affiliation doesn't affect my intelligence as it clearly has with many of you. Someone who thinks that I am a lesser individual, not nearly as smart, and definitely unable to make my own decisions because I don't have a penis does not get my vote.  I don't give a rat's fuzzy ass if he shares my religious beliefs.

Let me remind you, our current president came into his position having a country on its last leg thrust into his hands with demands to fix it. It didn't take one presidential term to fuck it up, how can you expect it to take a measly four years to correct? If you put on 50 pounds over the last two years, would you expect to lose it in three weeks? Fucktarded, right?  Yet that is what some Americans were demanding of our Commander in Chief. The leader of our country, yes. Superhuman, no. He's a person like you and me, fallible yet hardworking. Is the unknown a more palatable option for you? Would you really be happier with his polar opposite in office? I don't presume to try to sway your opinion in either direction. You'll vote for who you have chosen based on criteria only you aware of and have to live with the results of that action.
Here's what I propose, keep your votes private. This means, stop posting libelous fucking shit all over the internet, thinking you are the funniest person in the world all while showing me how incredibly fucking stupid you are with each new post. As entitled to your opinion as am I, try to keep it to yourself. I know you are so excited about your choice, and that a buffoon like you is allowed to exercise your right to vote. The rest of us, those with functioning brains and elevated intelligence levels, are not interested and do not share your excitement. We are too busy actually learning about the candidates, researching their platforms on all the issues that we deem crucial to our decision-making process, and voting quietly and privately. The more you beat your chest, jump up and down, and scream from atop your soap box, the more you look like an ass clown. Stop being a loud wrong.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???

Statute of limitations for holiday-themed parties, decorations, and music

Christmas is my favorite holiday, but Thanksgiving and all things Autumn run a very close second. The colors, the smells, the food options, the beginning of fireplace season, all put a permanent smile on my face and a special beat in my heart.  Oh, that's the murmur, but you know what I mean. The scents of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and a roaring fire are among my all-time favorites. Coupled with the warm, cozy, family-oriented feeling you get during the holiday season, I'm a very happy camper this time of year. But, everything should have its proper and natural progression. Starting with Halloween and moving forward through Thanksgiving, and into Christmas.  No fucking overlap.  I know I am not alone in the frustration I feel about overlapping holidays.
Why is it that when you go to Costco in the beginning of October, you can find in aisles right next to each other, Halloween costumes and Christmas decorations? Since when is Christmas in October?  Why would you want to look at Santa and his elves while picking out a blood splattered zombie costume? I just don't get it. While I realize that stores are trying to capitalize on the holidays by extending each of them and blending them all into one giant phenom, it doesn't make it any less wrong. Money is the driving force behind this and we've lost sight of the meaning of the season.  Not that Halloween has deep meaning, but it does get lumped into the seasonal rush. Kids today are getting the wrong idea about holidays and get caught up in the mad rush becoming almost manic for three solid months.
This weekend I was in a department store and was horrified when I noticed that they were playing Christmas music!  Christmas music has no place in my life until the day after Thanksgiving.  With the exception of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, because that is what officially kicks off the season for me. It can be listened to and enjoyed from that day until December 25th, after which it turns into something that makes my skin crawl quite like the sound of fingernails dragged down a blackboard. No longer appropriate, it shouldn't be on in stores or on my radio. Once it's over, it's over, let it die a natural death. Don't prolong it by playing Jingle Bells on December 27th. Pull the fucking plug, be humane.
Now that Halloween has passed, the next logical thing to do is plan for Thanksgiving, not bombard me with all things Christmas. I'm not ready and beating me to death with it will only push out my enthusiasm further than is usual for me. I want to enjoy the fall scents, the pumpkin pie flavored everything, the leaves changing color, sweater weather, and remembering all the things for which I have to be thankful. No "Santa Baby" for me. Not yet. I'll have to avoid department stores and most definitely the friggin mall, which has had Christmas decorations since October. Since I genuinely hate the mall, this won't be a challenge for me.
Another thing I want to mention is the time frame during which having holiday parties is appropriate and when it becomes totally wrong. For example, friends of ours had a Halloween party to attend on this past Saturday. The actual holiday having been on Wednesday, and already celebrated, rendered this particular party inappropriate. The weekend before is always acceptable, especially when the actual holiday falls on a weekday. Once it's over, it's over. See my rant about Christmas, in case you have forgotten. The same rule applies to other holidays.  You wouldn't celebrate Thanksgiving a week later on a Wednesday afternoon. What the fuck?  Christmas is December 25th and the entire month of December up to and including that day is all fair game for Christmas/Holiday partying. After that, you are skidding into New Year's territory.  Give it the respect it deserves.
Would you celebrate Independence Day in August? What fool do you know shooting off fireworks on July 29th? The week before is redneck rehearsal time, and during that time it is usual and customary to hear firecrackers exploding in preparation for the actual day, where they will enhance that performance with shotgun blasts into the night sky. Anyone who has spent any time living in South Florida will back me up on that tradition. I am fairly certain many of the southern states share in that celebratory ritual.  Who among you chugs a green beer in April? I dare say none of you. That bit of fun is reserved for March 17th and March 17th only. And nobody hunts for Easter eggs in June. It's just not done.
What I am trying to do is educate this generation about the proper manner in which to celebrate various holidays without detracting from the actual celebration and avoiding the irritation of others raised in an era where Christmas kicked off AFTER the fucking parade. Without getting into the true meaning of Christmas, because heaven knows I don't want to offend the easily offended atheists out there, I just want today's children to be able to enjoy each holiday separately and understand why they exist in our culture. Is that so wrong?  Has commercialism poisoned you, too? I, for one, will not succumb to the filthy capitalism that has all but ruined this particular holiday season. No one has the right to take that small joy away from me or my family, and I'll be damned if I'll allow it in my house. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

How dare you trash my 'hood?!?!

The other night while watching the X Factor, a guilty pleasure, I was enjoying hearing about the contestants' lives before the competition. Until these two jamokes from Queens came on the screen trashing the shit out of it, calling it a sea of drugs and gangs.  Where the fuck in Queens are they from exactly?!?! Don't get me wrong, my old stomping grounds have changed since I've lived there, I know.  The old vibe is gone replaced by an even more urban one. That's the beauty of NY. Its ability to mold into something different using new ingredients, incorporating the old, and creating something even more beautiful. They don't call NY a melting pot for nothing. This is all part of what I love about my hometown. The diversity and continuing changes to its landscape of people and neighborhoods. I miss some of the old mom and pop stores, but I still think it is the best place on Earth.
For this reason, I was so grotesquely offended by their inaccurate description of Queens. Again, I must ask, what the fuck in Queens are you badmouthing? Are you blaming New York for your misfortune until you stepped in shit and wound up on the X Factor, and by the grace of God, were thrown in with Lyric Da Queen and became one of the groups? What I find hysterical, and I believe you will, is that they are most recently from BAY SHORE.  Those of us from NY will be able to tell you, that isn't Queens at all.  It's Suffolk County.  That's right, our ghetto boys are from Long Island.  Attended Brentwood High School in Brentwood, right between Central Islip and Islip.  Hmmm.
But wait, the plot thickens, they are from both Long Island AND Queens. I see they spent some time in my borough when they were younger. In Jamaica, Queens on 145th street, hence the name of their group. But then, they moved out to the South Shore of the island and are now talking smack about Queens.  The move was a direct result of their house being robbed.  Most of us from Queens will tell you, you don't pick up and move all the way to Suffolk County just because your house was burglarized. I had a psychotic break into my apartment while I was sleeping as a child. Didn't move out of that apartment till I got married. Our apartment was robbed and trashed while I was out for a walk with my then infant daughter, and we didn't haul ass to Long Island the next day.  For many reasons, one is that I don't put it up on the same pedestal that many Queens residents did back in the days of my youth. It's the suburbs, and frankly, I am not a fan of suburbia. Give me dirty sidewalks, buses, and subways any day of the week.

And so, we have a couple of black siblings who originally hail from Jamaica, NY and moved out to the south shore of Long Island, who have decided to make Queens out to be a living hell filled with dangerous gang members strung out on and dealing drugs. Oh ok, now that we've cleared that up. We've been back to Queens many times since moving out here.  As a matter of fact, we were there last Christmas. I can assure you, I'd let my seventeen year old daughter walk the streets of my old 'hood and take public transportation by herself.  This is not only because she has an uncanny sense of direction and becomes just as much of a Noo Yawkuh as her mommy when she steps off the plane, but because I just don't see the same evils they are attempting to pass off as truth.
I'm sure it is to give them some semblance of street cred, their other group member hails from Flint, MI, which has a crime rating of 1 out of 100, which means is it is safer than only 1% of the cities in the US. I guess they felt they had to compete for who was the most ghetto trash. After looking at Google Maps satellite view of that street, because hell, I've not puttered through that neighborhood in a while, what I see is startling!  It looks like any other Queens neighborhood! Imagine that. Now, I'm sure there is crime, like any other city. Although, it has a crime index of 48, which as you now know, means it is safer than 48% of the cities in the United States.  Sorry, boys, you didn't quite measure up in your badassery. Bummer, dudes.
The fact that this bit of bullshit was spewed on national TV pissed me off more so than had it just been said to me privately.  However, and this is a big however, when someone tries to cap on my old neighborhood, especially when they have never been there, they have no clue, and they are basing their opinion on gossip and fucktarded TV shows that are skewing the perspective to attract viewers, I become enraged. I would never presume to criticize something I knew nothing about, and neither should you. You didn't grow up with me, you didn't go to school with me, and you certainly didn't walk to Queens Boulevard with me to go to the mall or the Elmwood movie theater.  I know you didn't hop on the subway with me to wander around the Village or to visit Harlem to see all the churches, that's right CHURCHES on almost every corner. Bet you had no fucking idea!
What gets to me, is that you make fun or criticize a place I still love today. I wouldn't be who I am today had I grown up anywhere else. My ability to laugh in the face of adversity instead of allowing it to break me, my fearless approach to every new town or city I visit, my sense of humor, the confidence I possess, and the fact that I can always call myself a New Yorker, are all due to being born and raised in Queens. I'm going to have to assume you mock because you are jealous. It's the only thing that makes sense and the only reason I can come up with to poke fun of the greatest place on the face of this planet. I know you wish you could say you are a Native New Yorker, most people feel the same way. Much like most people wish they were Italian, but I digress. I am proud of who I am and where I am from, and if you don't like it, especially if it's based on ignorance, go fuck yourself. I want no part of you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???

You can't be condescending and stupid at the same time...there's a rule.

Lately, and correct me if I am exaggerating a fact, it seems like tons of people are feeling and behaving like they just left their local Mensa meeting. By correct me, I mean let me know you disagree without trying to jam a dunce cap on my head and shove me into a corner. More and more I'm noticing that sarcastic tone of voice accompanied by a wise ass comment meant to demean and belittle. Sometimes it comes out of the mouth of a snarky teenager and that's when my claws come out and I need to be restrained. When did everyone become geniuses?  Are there drugs people are taking to increase their brainpower or are there simply herds of dumbass jerks out there with delusions of grandeur?  I'll bet you know my opinion.
What's really funny, is the fact that more than half the time you attempt to correct someone, you are the one who is wrong.  Filled with tons of misinformation, these modern day Einsteins wander the streets looking for opportunities to teach the rest of us the error of our ways, opinions, and methodology. The internet is partially to blame.  You can Google anything and find an endless supply of information about it. There's a problem with that. Determining which facts are actually facts and which are a load of shit. The rocket scientists that do all this research never bother to check. They will come at you loaded for bear, tiny little brains filled to the gills with what they believe to be solid knowledge. Poised and ready to pounce the moment you open your mouth on any fucking topic, these buttwads have no fear of looking fucktarded.

Some of the anger I feel stems from my distaste of the opinions of others. As I've said before, if I wanted your opinion, I'd have beaten it out of you. Unsolicited advice and unwanted assistance is enough to make me bust a blood vessel on the spot. Worsened only by total stupidity and lack of facts, I could be forced to skin you alive and feed your carcass to my cat. If you have no idea what you are talking about, don't. Some people may be able to laugh it off, and that's great. Others, who are more like me, will cut you so far down to size you won't know what hit you. Know your audience before you swoop in with your "corrections" to share with us. Should your target be half as dull-witted as you, by all means, go for it.
But, if you are intending to school those of us who are highly educated, naturally intelligent, and basically have scads more common sense than you on your best day, think and rethink before you open your cakehole. Engaging in a battle of wits while completely unarmed is the epitome of stupid. Nobody is an expert on everything, and some are experts on nothing. Knowledge isn't expertise, it's simply having a body of information about a particular subject. A body of information, real facts, not what you found on Wikipedia.  In case you weren't aware, window lickers like you contribute to Wikipedia, so what you find isn't always factual. I'm not saying that if a topic interests you, that you shouldn't research the shit out of it. Learning is a lifelong process. But don't carry that research around with you like an advanced degree, spewing statistics and tidbits of nonsense.

Don't attempt to teach me about what it's like to live in a city, for example.  I've heard so many self-proclaimed experts try to tell me all about what city life is like.  Teaching me about personal safety and using public transportation makes you look like a moron. The fact that you've lived in protected, white suburbia your entire life and you've only ventured into a city with a population closer to that of Charlotte, NC than Manhattan's 8.2 million, tells me your perception may be a bit skewed and that you have no clue of what you speak. Those of us raised in cities, who played on the sidewalks, took buses and subways instead of being chauffeured around by our mommies, and who were latchkey kids unlocking two or three locks just to enter our homes, know all about city life and what it entails.  But were aren't afraid of it like you are, which is glaringly obvious by what just fell out of your mouth.
Do tell me all about how only children are based only on what you've read. Because as you know, gross generalities are so applicable to everyone under that heading. We are selfish, unable to share, loners who prefer adult company as children, precocious, socially awkward, overly confident and arrogant, and sensitive to criticism. Perfectionists and overly critical, uncomfortable with conflict, possessive of belongings, and spoiled senseless.  Did I cover everything you found in your adolescent psychology textbook? Personally, only a couple of those attributes apply to me, and even less than that apply to other onlies I know. But you're the expert, right? Even though, if you know me, you'd know I am far from selfish, I share easily, I am the least socially awkward person you'll ever meet, and I was not spoiled by any means. Enlighten me more about how I am supposed to behave.
While The Sopranos is no longer on the air, I'm sure you have enough information to share with the class about how East Coast Italians act. Let's see if I can encapsulate. All men are in the mafia but call it waste management, all of their wives are submissive housewives who cook and shop all day long, their kids are loudmouths and spoiled rotten, they have goumadas, and everyone screams and curses around the dinner table. How did I do? Have I covered everything? Allow me to educate you. Most of us did not grow up connected, our fathers did not have goumadas, our moms worked, we weren't spoiled rotten, but I will admit to having one of the loudest houses on the block. Oh please, wow me with your rendition of "fugheddaboutttitt" once more.
Don't embarrass yourself and me along with you anymore. If you want to know more about a topic, and someone you know can help, go to them first. Don't attempt to look up the info and then tell that friend how you know all about X, Y, or Z. It's so uncomfortable to be in your presence when you do that.  I cringe FOR you.  Then, I contact everyone I know, and bash the shit out of you. We will mock you, laugh cruelly, and move on to more important topics like why the assmonkeys on the XFactor said Queens was nothing but a sea of drugs and gangs. Way more interesting than your lack of knowledge on any given topic.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???