Watch your fucking mouth!

You heard me, that language will not be tolerated here.  Words you will never hear spoken by me. Something about using the right word for the job just appeals to me, tickles my fancy. Most people use way too many words to express a simple thought in the attempt to avoid using one well-placed curse word. What's the point? To me, some messages get lost in translation when you talk around the four-letter word rather than just saying it.  I've heard people go on and on, trying to get their point across, usually quite angry, but never get there because they were too puritanical to throw in a spicy word or two. Talking to someone like that bores the shit out of me, I'm always waiting for the punch line.
Never allowed to curse in the house until I turned fifteen, I honed my skills at school talking with my friends. We cursed every chance we got, walking down the hallway, in the cafeteria, during play rehearsals, and in the notes we passed back and forth in class. Bodily functions, body parts, insults, exclamations, you name it, we had the terminology and we used it...profusely.  When we were younger, it was purely to appear cool.  Kids who didn't curse were considered dorky and you bet your ass I wasn't going to be a dork. Out of parental earshot, we used the foulest language we could come up with, right or wrong. Correct usage came with time.

Since practice makes perfect, I cursed as much as humanly possible without getting caught.  That was a trick, since I was in a Catholic school and nuns had morphing powers mere mortals didn't have, they could be in your back pocket before the tail end of "motherfucker" left your lips. I think it made us better at it, far better than other kids our age. This would also be the reason we passed notes more efficiently and were able to help friends out on tests more stealthily. Kind of like FBI or CIA training, we learned to be seen and not heard, and often, not even seen. We have a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long Catholic school career.
Once proper usage had been learned, we were able to tweak it to suit our meaning quite easily. By the time I was actually allowed to curse in the house, with the exception of "fuck" because that one was too harsh by my mom's standards, I could let fly like a truck driving sailor. And boy did I. My mom would have to remind me when we were in public to whisper those beloved words so others didn't think her lovely little girl had a barroom mouth. I really did, but strangers didn't need to know, in her opinion. So, I saved it for the car and in the house. Maybe that is where my driving vocabulary came from, all that practice in the car?

Speaking of car vocabulary, even people who don't normally curse, swear up the left and down the right once they get behind the wheel. Something about other drivers and their inability to drive according to your standards brings out the sass mouth in everyone. For me, even if the other driver doesn't hear me, and I go out of my way to ensure that they do whenever possible, I feel better after spewing as much profanity as possible at them, their mothers, and anyone who may remotely resemble them. I need to let them know how fucking dangerous their shitty driving is and how much they pissed me off with that one goddamn move. They need to hear it, and who better from than me?  Setting the world straight, one driver at a time. You're welcome.
Not only does cursing make your point quickly and more effectively, but those words have more flow when spoken than the alternatives people try to use in their place. Tell me I'm not alone in this opinion, but screaming "Goddamn it!!!" at the top of your lungs feels and sounds better than replacing it with "Goshdarn it!" when you jam your toe into the solid wooden chair so hard you are certain it shattered on impact. "Cheese and Crackers" may be church-friendly, but "Jesus Fucking Christ" sets the tone a little better. While the word anus is anatomically correct, in order to maintain clarity, you should call someone an asshole so they know you are serious. Breasts are something you cut off a whole chicken and bake in the oven. What I keep inside my Victoria's Secret bra are tits. Defecation is a bodily function, but when someone cuts you off on the freeway, they are a fucking piece of shit. Are you following along here?

Impossible to teach you a lifetime of colorful vocabulary, I can't just give you a list to memorize to be tested on at a later date.  No, you have to get out there into the world, put on your big girl panties, and say what you really feel. Nobody wants to hear you tell them to shut the front door, when you actually want them to shut the fuck up. If your friend reamed you a brand new asshole for not texting her back as quickly as she would have preferred, don't tell me she got really angry. She didn't, she ripped you a new ass. See how much more descriptive my way can be if only you'd embrace your inner bad ass? Let's boycott all this Pollyanna-ish talk and start using the words we really want to, the ones that make our stance on any given topic clear to all listening. Who gives a ripe fuck what some tight ass thinks of us when we express ourselves in the manner we desire? Do you think I care?  Are you friggin kidding me right now???