Another new clothing item to grace the mall is the cropped sweater. Again, sort of retro, sort of not, I can almost embrace this billowy salute to winter. What I cannot wrap my mind around is someone wearing it without a shirt or tank top underneath that comes down below the bottom of the sweater. Most of the chicks I see wearing these adorable tops are not waif-thin. I am not waif-thin, before someone jumps ugly and starts telling me about glass houses and such. The difference between me and the other curvy chicks, I know I'm curvy. Never one to deny my size or shape, I recognize that I am not Abercrombie and Fitch skinny and I dress accordingly. When you make the decision to wear this sweater, put it on and look in the mirror. Especially if you've chosen to wear it with your favorite pair of Mexi-pants, the cute, flouncy, cropped sweater actually showcases that Michelin roll that is now exposed between the bottom of its hem and the waist of the pants. This is where the long tank top comes in, to be pulled down over the offending roll pulling it in and disguising it with color instead of exposed cellulite-riddled flesh. Please heed this little bit of advice, I don't want to toss my cookies each time you walk past me.
Heels are a great accent to a dressy outfit. If I could walk in them, I'd own a closet filled with them. Since I stomp like Herman Munster in them, you'll see only a few pairs lining the bottom of my closet, scattered between sneakers and boots. There is such a wide array of high heeled shoes available today, colors, heights, platform, stiletto, wedgie, open-toed, bejeweled, you name it. Each one cuter than the last. So, I can see the temptation to own a few and want to sport them as often as possible. They do not, not ever, belong with a pair of leggings and short t-shirt. Unless, of course, you are loitering at street corners asking men if they'd like a "date" tonight. The same advice applies to wearing them with shorts. There are some shorts that are completely appropriate for heels, but they are very few and I almost never see them on the tacky-assed heel wearers. Usually, it's some hoebag in Daisy Duke cutoffs and a pair of hooker heels walking down the avenue. Wearing that outfit for anything but charging by the act or by the hour is unacceptable.
Socks with sandals are atrocious, but socks with flip flops are the pinnacle of fucktarded. Jamming the thong part into the giant white tubesock clad space between your toes and actually wandering out into the public eye is a crime upon humanity. Why do you do this? It doesn't feel right, it looks butt-assed ugly, and you're breaking an unwritten rule. There are certain shoes that were created for the sole purpose of wearing sans socks, not socks optional. These are sandals, gladiator sandals, any form of dressy heel, and goddamn flip flops. Especially flip flops. Foreigners get away with the black socks and sandals thing, I guess because it helps the rest of us identify them at a glance. Don't shake your head at me, you do the same fucking thing, I just had the balls to actually say it.
Explain to me why you'd wear UGGS with shorts? If you are hot enough to wear booty shorts, then clearly your feet must be hot, too. Yes, I said booty shorts, you didn't think I was referring to someone wearing bermudas, did you? A person wearing bermuda shorts already has more class and style and wouldn't dream of pairing them with an enormous pair of worn-out UGGS. Conversely, and I use that term for one person specifically who I know LOVES it, if it is so cold that you absolutely need to wear boots, why the fuck are you exposing your ass in a pair of shorts made for a toddler? Guess what, it doesn't look good. You may think you look like a sexy snow bunny. The rest of us see a bimbo who isn't bright enough to determine what is weather appropriate. Don't be that bimbo. Or be her, and expect me to laugh at you and possibly point and make rude commentary regarding your lack of intelligence and price range for your services.
Mom vests and sweaters. Every single one of you knows what these are and is equally horrified by them. The seasonally themed and holiday decorated knit monstrosities that only older ladies and dowdy moms wear thinking it's cute and kitschy. Dear Lord, it is anything but cute. Decorate your house, decorate a tree, but never, ever decorate yourself. Wearing a sweater with strategically placed pumpkins and bats is attractive to no one and social suicide. Unless you work at a senior center, preferably with a memory gardens wing, there isn't a human alive that can stomach looking at those horrific sweaters. Actually, don't even give them to your grandmother. I'll bet she was bad ass in her youth and still would prefer a cheetah print to yuletide vomit on a cardigan. Trust me, I'll BE that old lady one day, and I can assure you, I'll be wearing the animal print.
Cutesy jewelry is so nauseating I can't even begin to tell you all the reasons why. Little shoes, butterflies on a string, Christmas trees, piggies, tiny little dangling footballs, Easter eggs, and all varieties of holiday-themed shit do not belong hanging from your ears or around your neck. What are you, four years old?! Seeing it on a preschooler is absolutely adorable. Seeing it on a middle aged woman is embarrassing, for me and you. I can't even bear to look at a woman decked out in thematic finery. I'm all over costume jewelry, as long as it is hip and stylish. Do not break out the fake shit to become a walking display of all things Autumnal. If I wanted to look at the changing leaves, I'll drive down Bancroft and admire the trees. The last place I want to look is your friggin earlobes. Grow the fuck up.
Getting agitated with me about what I've written only goes to prove one thing, you have no sense of style whatsoever. Maybe your mother still dresses you? Maybe, just maybe you have no mirrors. Buy yourself a nice full-length one and nail that bitch to the back of your bedroom door. Once you've done that you must promise me and the rest of society that you will stand in front of it every morning after getting dressed and before actually leaving the house. If you cringe and turn away, chances are we will, too. Do not walk. Run to your closet and fix your outfit, fix it based on what I've said here and spare the rest of us the agony of having to look at your bad taste. Yes, I am judging you, someone has to...you still go out in public looking like a total douche bag. I may not dress in Prada, but I wouldn't dream of committing the crimes listed here. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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