Crotch fro is a no-go, but can manscaping go too far?

There needs to be a happy medium. Far too often I am seeing men with eyebrows way more sculpted than mine. The skin is so shiny it looks as though it's just been waxed 45 minutes ago, although that could just be the man cream they are using for moist, dewy skin. Once again, more so than mine. This is not to say I approve the horrific unibrow or enormous bushy eyebrows that make your forehead look like a ferret graveyard. I have no problem with you taking a wax strip and placing it between your eyes and ripping that fur clear off your face so that you, too, can have two eyebrows like nature intended. I also would not bat an eye if you wanted to trim those wild, foot-long strands to create neatly groomed eye framing brows.

Moderation is key here. Neat, not sculpted. For those of you who watch Jersey Shore, you know exactly the kind of brows I am referring to...think Pauly D. There are women who would kill to have eyebrows as neatly groomed as the boys on that show. I know I'd cut a bitch for Vinny's brows. But that shouldn't BE!
Moisturizing is important for all members of the species. I understand that. Tight, dry skin is uncomfortable and looks disgusting. I understand better than most because I have very dry skin. If I don't slather it on, my legs are as ashy as elephant skin. But, guys, why do you have more products in your medicine cabinet than I? Men as young as in their 20s are taking better care of their skin than middle aged women. Is this some sort of plot to make us look bad? To kick us in the self-esteem? I've always boasted about my low-maintenance beauty routines, taking great pride in looking quite nice without needing to open a vein to pay for all the expensive products most women my age are purchasing in vast quantities. Once in a great while I'll break down and buy some new-fangled, pricey eye cream or something in the hopes that it will make me look younger. In general, cocoa butter lotion and the yummy-smelling ones from Bath and Body Works have always worked just fine. Guys, listen, we don't want you looking like day-old ass, but you don't need to take 30 minutes longer than us in order to be presentable enough to leave the house. It's just WRONG.
The same rules apply for hair care. Men do NOT need to use enough product to shellac a dining room table and chairs. A little gel, a dab of curl cream, even a shot of hair spray is fine. Even though I prefer mens' hair to be au naturel, there's something to be said about looking "done" when you have somewhere nice to go. Most of the time, however, wash and go is the look you should be aiming for when it comes to hair styling. The concept of metrosexuality actually makes me shake my head, baffled by the whole mishegoss. Why would a man want to look and smell like a woman? Unless you are a transsexual, transgendered, or a cross dresser, you have absolutely no reason to use globs of my curly pudding in your 'do. Seeing shiny, lacquered hair that looks like it can withstand a hurricane on a man is simply put, GROSS. No woman wants to get her hand lodged in your mousse laden hair. It's a fucking deal-breaker.

I think things really started to go downhill with the invention of the AXE body spray line of products. Teenage boys were given the impression that if they sprayed this shit from head to toe, girls would be falling all over themselves to fuck them. The commercials were directed at college aged dudes, but the high schoolers and even some middle school douche bags were paying very close attention. About that time, the assault on the senses began in the form of cheap cologne chemical warfare. All males under the age of 25 were drowning themselves in this vile crap. Clouds of AXE were wafting through the atmosphere in such huge amounts, I am shocked at the lack of CDC involvement. We all know how I feel about cheap drugstore perfumes, and this product falls about 56 steps below them in quality and scent. Mother of Mercy, I was looking for sewers to dive into just to escape the overpowering variety of AXE smells I'd encounter in stores and on the streets. Nobody should take a whore's bath, but guys, in particular, should avoid it like the fucking plague.
Dress like a dude, please.  I hate seeing men in those jeans that were clearly meant for women, but designers who felt the need to cater to the European trash tendencies of American men these days manufactured them in larger sizes to accommodate them. Seriously, when you have rhinestones on your ass and balls between your legs, you've made a grotesque fashion error in judgement. I'm not crazy about the whole rhinestone bejeweled jeans trend anyway, but on a man it is the epitome of tacky. Guidos think they look manly and hot in them, little do they know we are laughing our asses off at how feminine they appear. Mens' capris should only be worn across the pond. Here, they look ri-goddamn-diculous. Women wear capris, men wear shorts. The sooner you accept it, the better off we'll all be in the long run. I've accepted men in flip flops, and this was huge for me. Growing up on the Right Coast, I never saw men in flip flops except at the beach or the pool. But don't push your luck and pair them with a pair of bejazzled pants or brightly colored capris.  My filter is only so strong.
Switching gears, crotch fro is a big, huge NO-NO! This is not 1971, we are not sporting gigantic bell-bottom jeans, cordouroy vests, and patchwork platform shoes. We are also not letting our pubic area run buck wild anymore. It is no longer acceptable for a woman OR man to rock the bodacious bush on the land down under. Choose your own personal variation on the theme of nether-region grooming. Whether you opt for a landing strip, a Brazilian, a neatly trimmed and edged triangle, a Bro-zilian if you are a dude, or bare-assed, do some-fucking-thing. There is nothing attractive about having as much hair in your underwear as you do on your head. You look absolutely unkempt and nasty. Yes, I have to go there...anywhere you have hair in a cramped and folded space on the body, you are trapping sweat. Need I put a finer point on it or can you let your imagination run away with you for a moment? Exactly.
What have we learned today? The old saying "less is more" is really applicable here. Less hair products, less lotion application, less cheap cologne, less decorative clothing, less eyebrow modification, and less crotch fro. Simple, really, yet many of you haven't gotten the hang of it. Opting for the 80s mantra of "more is more" and driven to excess in all forms, men will continue to be hopeless metrosexuals who eventually will morph into very unattractive women. Let me assure you, guys, what you will stand to gain from this approach is far LESS poontang and a lot more lonely nights. We want our men to look and smell like men, not bigger and taller versions of us. Are you friggin kidding me right now???