Sexy vs skanky, where do you fall on the spectrum?

Cosmopolitan magazine has a small section of photos that compares people who are sexy with those who are total skanks. It's part of their "Star Spotting" article each month. Makes me laugh so hard, I'm grateful for choosing to do most of my mag reading on the throne or I'd be changing my pants way more often than I'd like. A fantastic section that calls out celebs and regular folk, equally, I look forward to it as much as I do the entire rest of the magazine. The difference is, the Hollywood set acts and dresses this way purely to attract attention, although they'll claim they want privacy. "There is no such thing as bad publicity" holds true in this case. Yes, we may laugh, but we also remember them and tell someone else later that day. We've just ensured continued fame. When our friends, family, and acquaintances act this way, the only thing that happens is we feel embarrassed FOR them and they humiliate themselves, whether they know it or not.

Like the chick who is unaware of how old she really is and tries to dress like her teenage daughter. We reach a certain age when things start their journey south and we have to begin to dress accordingly. This means no sideboob, asscrack, vag shots when you get in and out of cars or squat in a skirt, copious amounts of the cleave, even midriff is probably a big old no-no. Look at yourself on the way into the shower, see how the girls no longer stand at attention? This means they don't get as much exposure as when they were more cooperative. The same goes for the belly that held one or more babies inside for nine months. Even if you workout, it's not the same midriff as it was in your 20s, get over it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but your ass should also remain covered by your clothing. In case you are too ignorant to know what I am saying, allow me to elaborate. Pants are lower-waisted than in years past, I understand completely.  Mom jeans are ugly on everyone, so I am not advocating their use. The waistband should fit comfortably below your belly button without digging in to your flab. Where the waistband shouldn't be is half an inch above your Brazilian. It's disgusting on teenagers, and revolting on women your age. I say your age because my beauty is ageless. That was almost impossible to type with a straight face. Realistically speaking, your pants should completely cover your ass, even when you bend over. Some visions are better left unseen, crack is whack, and yours is vile.

Please, please wear underwear. Going commando because you don't want VPL in your pants is fine. Flying free under a dress or skirt that barely covers your hoo ha is just gross, for many reasons. One strong wind and we all get to see what you had for breakfast, as my mom used to say. Sitting down becomes an Olympic event, pulling on the hem, lowering yourself slowly on to the chair, and squeezing your legs together so tightly you won't need that pocket rocket, after all. Inevitably, you will become antsy and start to shift around in your seat. Flashing your wares for all to see, and baby, they aren't shiny and new anymore. Certainly not fit for public consumption, keep that thing covered.
Appearances aren't the only things that can make you a skank. Your behavior can far outshine your ensemble. Some women can dress like a dime store hooker and be quite demure and sweet as pie. Others can dress like you and me and behave like cheap trailer trash. When you are over forty and putting pics on Instagram of your drunk ass and the drunk asses of all your friends, you are behaving like a low-rent tramp. Do you really want everyone to see you pretending to be a lesbian for the camera and the scuzzy dudes at the bar? I don't want to scroll down the screen to find you with your tongue in your BFF's cleavage and some random stranger behind you holding your ass. Have you no respect for yourself? The actions are bad enough, but preserving the moment forever on a social media website is damn near retarded. Ah, Grandma, those photos I found of your drunken escapades were eye opening. What was that you wanted to tell me about my tattoos?
Being a hater is totally skanky. Jealousy is the fucking ugliest thing your can wear across your face. Some people can't stand to watch others be happy...or look good...or lose weight...or be successful. Mean-spirited motherfucks, spend their days grousing about people who are genuinely happy, living their lives, and being completely unaware that someone they call a friend is enviously wishing them bad juju. Instead of cheering your friend on, you text a mutual friend and bash the shit out of them. What you don't realize, is that you actually hate yourself, not the seemingly happy friend. The hater skank is usually also the one who will throw you under the bus at work or take credit for something you did. Not one to allow anyone else to succeed, they will puff themselves up to the boss while simultaneously cutting you down. Beware this bitch, she is often successful. Bosses love suck ups and enjoy being privy to inside information about other employees. While you'd love to shank this twat, jail time is never worth it.

Another horrifically skanky move, and yes it still happens in 2012, is using your feminine wiles to move up the ladder at work. Whether you are literally nailing the boss or just flirting like the slut you are, it is totally unacceptable to get promotions and raises that way. Those of us who are educated and good at what we do are not amused by this. Watching the dumb ass, bleached blonde become your boss when not only has she been there years less than you have, but she barely graduated high school, and had no prior experience can make an intelligent woman quite fucking stabby. Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar she spreads like margarine. Thanks for setting us back 70 years. Rendering our college educations almost useless in the face of what YOU are offering, we plug away, underpaid, and grotesquely overworked. It's bad enough we still don't make equal pay for equal work, now you've created a work environment that causes women to be treated as stupid underlings.  Much appreciated, whore!
Talking dirty, locker room banter, telling a bawdy joke or two, all totally acceptable behaviors for women. But here is where the sexy turns skanky, the woman who thinks she is being cute and quirky when she does it. If you are going to say something off-color, say it, say it with gusto, and use all the nasty words it takes to make your point or make me laugh. I have total respect for a chick who can tell a dirty joke with a straight face. What I can't respect is the one who is doing it just to get attention. As we all know now, I curse like a drunken sailor, so when I let loose with some genital musings, it's expected and oddly, not offensive. What does ruffle my tail feathers is when some wannabe hoo-er(Queens/Brooklyn terminology for whore), thinks she is being simply adorable by posting things on FB, for example, announcing to the world that she loves blow jobs and three-ways.  Let me be the first to tell you how this works. When we were in high school and/or college, and a dude talked about nothing but sex and all his supposed conquests, we all knew he wasn't getting any. Poor douche canoe sounded as desperate as he looked. Guess what, bitch, you do, too. Except he was desperate for cooch, you are desperate for attention. You are WAY worse!
Sexy is an attitude.  It is confidence, intelligence, and the ability to laugh at yourself. Ladies, pay attention!  It isn't what you show, it's what you DON'T show that catches a man's eye.  His imagination is all he needs to be excited by what he sees, not your flopping boobs stuffed into a bra that is too small so that the ladies are shoved up under your neck, with wrinkles lining them. Sexy is the way you help out a friend at work to get the credit they deserve, not the way you got HER promotion by throwing her under the bus. Sexy is a state of mind. It is knowing when to crack a bawdy one-liner and when NOT to hold up a sign announcing you just love guzzling man chowder. Am I being clear enough? If not, just go on being a skeezer, it won't change my life one bit. Are you friggin kidding me right now???