While I do understand the whole helmet-wearing while bike-riding concept, I also recall an entire childhood of NOT wearing one and living to tell you about it. Not only did I not wind up in the ER after taking many spills off of my own bike, I didn't split my skull open flying off the handlebars of my friends' bikes. Yes, we rode on each other's handlebars, sat backwards on their banana seat holding on to the metal semi-circle attached to the back, or one of us would sit and the other would stand over the seat while pedaling the bike. This all usually took place on a steep hill because, well, it's more fun to take risks at breakneck speed than putt-putting slowly like someone's grandma. Not a knee or elbow pad to be found on this chick or her equally bad-ass friends. I can almost hear some of today's moms and dads gasping with fear and shaking their heads disapprovingly at my past behavior. I'm sure they are praying for the safety of my daughter at my totally inept hands.
The car seat law is understandable to a point. Making it mandatory for infants to ride in car seats makes sense. For months, they can't even sit upright on their own and even then, a little bump and their tiny bodies keel over like a miniature drunk. Aside from riding in my grandma's lap while my mom drove, I'm not sure what method was used to get me to and fro in a car. Although, growing up in Queens, I'm pretty confident that most of my travel took place in my carriage, pushed by my mom, who did make the sacrifice to stay home and raise me, not placing my care in the hands of others. Different topic, sorry. Anyway, what confuses the shit out of me, is the newer laws that require a child to be eight years old AND eighty pounds before they are allowed to sit directly on the seat provided by the actual car while using a seat belt. What the fuck is this? We were lucky our cars came equipped with LAP belts and even then, we didn't use them. There were bench seats in the front and we sat three across without being tethered to the car. As a young child, I bounced around in the back seat, creating havoc with crayons. No broken bones, no lacerations.
Padded playgrounds make me pee myself. Yet, everywhere you go, there they are. Why can't kids fall on cement? We did. We make the play structures plastic instead of metal to save little tushies the experience of being fried by zooming down the slide in shorts or a dress. Then we put down padded floors under the climbing structures to prevent bumps and bruises, God forbid. Now kids make a game of throwing themselves from the monkey bars, landing on their knees, asses, and faces. Why? Because it doesn't hurt enough. If it did, they'd figure out a way to stay hanging up there more effectively. They don't have to learn dexterity or build any upper body strength like we did. They don't learn common sense, either. If it was Africa hot out, we'd have to test the slide with our hand before considering ascending the ladder to make that slide down. Dumbing down and softening the falls, takes away learning opportunities and chances to toughen up a bit. Still feel like you are doing something good for your child?
Are you all aware that Pull Ups are causing children to potty train later and later? Soon we'll have kids wearing diapers in Kindergarten. Hell, let's drag it out to first grade, we don't want to rush them. Oh no, we can't place any pressure on them to wear underwear and use the fucking toilet. Remember how our generation got potty trained? Our moms put us in underwear and told us to use the toilet. When we had an accident, we knew about it because we were wearing underwear, not a diaper that we could pull up and down on our own which would protect our clothing and delicate little asses from being wet and dirty. Oh, and most of us were two years old at the time, not four or five. It's bad enough moms hold their sons' wieners when they pee in the toilet after they've finally potty trained, but why are we putting off the inevitable? Why are we allowing pissing and shitting in pants instead of telling our kids it's time to wear underwear and use the toilet? Just another way to keep them infantilized and dependent on you for everything so you can protect them from the big bad world.
Let's discuss cutting food into 1/2 inch cubes for our children to eat. Do your child's front teeth not work correctly? Can't they bite into something? Are their molars made of marshmallows or can they chew effectively? We've become totally paranoid about choking hazards to the point of ridiculousness. No popcorn, no grapes unless cut in half, no hot dogs unless sliced and cut in half. Nobody chopped my food into almost chewed sizes for me when I was a child. I don't remember my mom telling me I choked so much that she started blending my food and handing me a straw. No, I actually bit into food and chewed it, and survived the ordeal.
Why don't we add to the discussion all the products now available that enable our children to not only have to chew their food, but allow them to never learn how to use utensils? It was pretty stupid of yogurt manufacturers to put their product into tubes, after liquefying them further, and handing them to children to suck and swallow yogurt rather than using a spoon to put it into their mouths. It helped the lazy parents who didn't want to clean up yogurt spills and took the burden of teaching their kids how to use a fucking utensil away. But, not to be outdone by the yogurt folks, the applesauce people jumped on the bandwagon. Not only did they put their product in a squeezable pack that requires fierce sucking, much like a BOTTLE NIPPLE, but they added all the ingredients (read: vegetables) that kids don't normally like on the first try in an effort to assist those same lazy parents in their quest to feed their children healthy food. What ever happened to learning how to use a knife, fork, and spoon? Why don't parents tell kids, "This is what's for dinner, it's not a restaurant, if you're hungry, you'll eat." Dumb asses.
Imaginary allergies. So many kids have them and thanks to their parents can't enjoy a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not just that, any cracker or cookie or snack made within a five mile radius of a factory that processes nuts. Sorry, Joey, you can't have the birthday snack your friend brought in today, have this yummy rice cake. Seriously? Most of these kids have never seen a doctor regarding their so-called allergy. Their parents are scared shitless of witnessing a reaction, they won't allow their kids to even try a goddamn nut. How the hell will you know? I know, you'd rather subject your child to a battery of allergy tests which could involve many scratches or tiny injections on their arm or back. Because the doctor is already their favorite place, let's allow your Munchausen's by Proxy issues take precedence, and torture them just a little bit more. Usually, though, the parents will not consult their pediatrician at all. They'll be so afraid of a possible reaction, their child will always be the odd man out at school, parties, friends' houses, you name it. I know of one child in particular who threw up after eating peanuts and the mom immediately assumed he was allergic to peanuts. Puking determines an allergy? Then I'm allergic to copious amounts of tequila. The truth of the matter is, puking without a rash does NOT indicate an allergy. Maybe your little shit ate too fast or too much?
If you aren't allowed to trip and fall, you'll never figure out how NOT to do it. If you don't choke, you won't learn to chew your food fully. When you can't feel that your pants are soaking wet from your own piss, you won't decide that you don't like it and make the effort to run to the toilet. The point is parents, allow your kids the chance to learn some things on their own. You did, and you're still here. Clearly the things you are trying desperately to protect your child from weren't fatal to you. Teaching your child that the world is a big, bad, scary place and that they don't have the ability to maneuver it without padding, helmets, and pre-cut food is NOT to their benefit. Let go of their hands and their ding dongs, and let them be kids. Give them candy and nuts to chew on and don't stand there holding your breath waiting for them to choke or lose a tooth. Guess what? It's going to happen whether you like it or not. Maybe if you'd grow up, you could step back and watch your child do the same, without the giant safety net. I didn't have one and I'm here in one piece laughing at you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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