Everyone of us has a Facebook friend who does this, so I'm sure you are envisioning that person right now. Maybe, like me, you are daydreaming about driving a shank deeply into their left kidney and watching them suffer slowly. OK, perhaps I am alone in that particular fantasy. I do tend to have more macabre thoughts than the average human. In any event, these people drive me absolutely fucking out of my head. All day long, they fill my feed with more detail than I have ever wanted in my entire life. I don't want to know that much about anyone. Ever. Even if I haven't spoken to you in a very long time and I actually care about you, it's still way too much sharing.
There's the person who posts every item of food and drink that passes their lips. If you've made some outrageously elaborate meal and you don't normally cook, this is an acceptable time to share ONE photo. Only one. Of the completed meal. Not every single step it took to create your kitchen masterpiece. I don't need to see your dirty mixing bowls, your ingredients spread out across your counter, pots of food cooking on your stove, and certainly not you in a fucking apron, posing with your spoon. Nobody believes that you are Mary Homemaker, twirling around your kitchen, making happy little cooking noises, and singing to yourself. Those of us who work, just like you, come home and begin the mad rush that is known as making dinner. We race around the kitchen, kicking our shoes off one by one as we put the dishes left in the rack from breakfast away and start taking out armfuls of shit from the fridge to create an edible, and hopefully healthy, meal. Not one person I know, puts on a frilly apron and dances around the kitchen like a happy little sprite. We are dragging serious ass.
Keeping along that particular vein, I know you love coffee, vodka, cherry coke, Starbucks, Peets, Dunkin Donuts, arsenic and old lace. I have my favorites, too. If you've posted once or twice, I remember. Most of us have at least average intelligence and can recall things we've seen or read. Driving it down our throats each and every time you take a sip makes YOU the ass clown. Maybe you've forgotten your own favorite beverage? Maybe the photos you post each time you take a sip help remind you? Not only the photos, but the check-ins at every watering hole you enter, show up on my feed. Jesus H. Christ, didn't know I knew his middle initial, did you? Why do you feel the need to let God and all his good little creatures know where you are at every minute of the day? Do you want to be stalked? Letting us all know where you are, also lets the pros know you aren't home. Good move. One day, if you are local, I'm gonna make sure I show up everywhere you check in. Pressing my face against the window, smiling maniacally and watching you get your drink. Yeah, witnessing you shit your pants will be totally worth it.
Next is the gym rat. Exercise is great for your body, I get that. You take really good care of yourself, that's wonderful. Or that's what you want all of us to think. I often wonder each time I see someone posting that they are at the gym, health club, or boot camp class, if they really actually went. You can drive in the general vicinity of a location and check in. I can drive by check in just about anywhere I want you to believe I've been. Part of me thinks they drive past the gym and check in on their way to the donut shop. That's just me but I am sure some of you have had your suspicions, too. So, I've figured out that either some of you are totally obsessed with your appearance and ignore the rest of your lives to workout for many, many hours per day OR you just want us to think that so you look like you are better than the rest of us. Trust me, the next party where I can see your muffin top up close and personal, I'll know the truth. Won't that suck balls for you?
Let's not forget to mention the perpetual vacationer. I don't necessarily mean the seven-day Aruba trips. Actually, those photos are lovely. What I am referring to, are those that take jaunts here, there, and everywhere and never seem to work a day in their lives. Really? Who pays for these little getaways? Someone signs their name at the bottom of the credit card slip. Please, nobody wants to know that you live your life like a permanent vacation while the rest of us work our asses off and actually admit it. If I go six towns east, I don't announce it for all to read. While it may constitute getting out of Dodge for me, it's not post-worthy, and who gives a shit, anyway? This person celebrates a trip to the mall, posting pics along the way. Bitch, I could not give a ripe fuck where you are now, you don't need to chronicle it for me. It's not jealousy. I go places, out of town, stay in hotels...all that fun shit. The difference between me and the other broad, I don't feel the need to rub your nose it. Repeatedly.
Did you get dressed this morning? Oh please, post a photo of your outfit, said no one, ever. Do you actually think the rest of us need a pictorial view of each item in your closet, posed just right in order to accentuate what you think are your best features? Guess what? You'd be wrong. I know you are totally excited about being able to button your own shirt now, but we've expected this from you for years. It's not an accomplishment at forty years old. The poses are absolutely hilarious! Lady Madonna has nothing on you. That perfect combination of saint and whore, you've clearly worked on it in the mirror, haven't you? Let me assure you, you look ridiculous. If you were actually a model, you wouldn't be taking pics of yourself with your cell phone to post on Facebook. In case you were wondering. Which I am sure you aren't.
What have we learned today? Aside from the fact that I just don't give a rat's dangling testicle where you are, what you do, or what you eat and drink every minute of every fucking day...which is abundantly true. We've also begun to come to terms with the fact that others share my opinion, the one that counts right now. Think before you post. Is it remotely entertaining from anyone else's point of view? Have I posted this 573 times before? Will anyone else be interested, or have I pushed the limits of everyone's patience yet again? Does it really fucking matter to anyone BUT me? I'll be willing to bet the answer to all of the above is, "Are you friggin kidding me right now???"
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