Why you shouldn't air your dirty laundry

When I was growing up, I was told repeatedly to keep our business quiet.  That's just how it was back then. People gossiped for sure, but the really personal stuff, stayed personal. When your kid got into trouble, you didn't run through the streets announcing it to all and sundry.  It wasn't done. Mom may have called Grandma to ask her for advice, and likely got something along the lines of, "If you had listened to me in the first place, he wouldn't have gotten into any trouble at all."  More common was waiting for your father to get home to dole out the second punishment. Mom had already smacked you across the face and told you what a disappointment you had become, and that you wearing tearing her heart out. Didn't hear that in your house? Dangling bull balls you didn't!  Guilt was an amazing form of discipline and it almost always worked. So did a well-placed whack in the ass, but we aren't really discussing discipline, per se.

Now, you can log on to Facebook and see which of your friends are being honest about their children.  The ones who are complaining usually are the truth-tellers. How many of you have read stati (plural of status in FB-land) about moms wishing summer was over because they were done with having their kids in the house?  And it was only the end of June?!?! Some actually did daily bitching about this very topic.  Let me ask you this, did you want kids?  Did you realize that at some point they'd get older; learn how to talk; learn how to talk back; learn new and exciting ways to torture their sibling; and master the whine, "I'm bored, there's nothing to doooooooooo!"  You didn't start off as an adult, dig back into the recesses of your mind.  Kids can be a pain in the ass, no doubt about it. But they're YOURS.  Figure out what to do with them.  Don't fill my news feed with how you'd love to send them to boarding school in the Philippines. If you are seriously so out of touch with your own children that you can't handle them for two short months a year, there's an invention called summer camp...send them and shut the fuck up about it.
When married couples fought, whether it got violent or was just bickering, no one else knew about it. This was considered very personal and no one outside of the house knew about it.  This was a form of dirty laundry airing that just didn't occur.  The marital vows likely included "keep our arguments hush-hush" or something like that. Now, hear me out, I don't completely agree with this logic.  Abused women everywhere are still fighting this battle. Certain things should never be kept quiet, this I know all too well.  But, in general, when you and your hubby disagree on the direction of the toilet paper, don't tell me about it.  Don't announce it to the world and actually open in up to discussion. This is spouse-bashing and I swear, I do not know how half of these marriages actually last.
Along those lines, there is a ton of bickering on Facebook that should remain within the confines of the home.  You may think it's cute, but the rest of us are uncomfortably reading your comment thread. Insults flying through cyberspace, bearing hints of anger and disgust, dripping with sarcasm...don't belong there.  It's none of my business that you think your spouse is a fat slob who eats the last spoon of ice cream and farts along with the radio.  Nobody else needs to know that your husband is a minuteman in the sack.  I'm fairly certain he didn't want it publicized. On the flip side, I can say with great confidence that your wife doesn't want the rest of us to know she has a decreased sexual appetite or that you call her the Big Chill.  Perhaps that's why your dinner was ice-cold and sitting on the counter while she was sitting in the living room drinking wine out of the bottle with a straw?  I'll bet she read your status!  Dumb shit. At least this time she didn't come back with a dig about your teeny trouser snake.  Lucky you.
Sometimes you are angry at your friend.  Maybe she forgot to call you and you really needed to talk.  Perhaps she sent your birthday card a day late?  I know, she was just too busy and you feel neglected.  Well, hop on over to Facebook and post about it.  But make sure you post one of those vague, yet scathingly bitchy stati about friendship and it's meaning and how many don't know how to be a friend...blah, blah, fucking blah.  Grow the fuck up, will you?  It's not all about you!  Too many of you get your panties in a wad over the most ridiculous shit.  People have lives.  Sometimes they have other things to do.  For all you know they are having the worst week ever, are trying to deal with it and continue on with the rest of their life by working, raising their kids, cooking, cleaning, and the rest of the day-to-day crap and have no time for your pity party of the day. Isn't that what it always is with you?  Whiny fucking ass rag.

But the absolute worst status updates of all are the ultimate in spouse-bashing.  When your spouse does something so heinous, like knocking up another hoe, don't put it on Facebook.  EVER.  I've seen far too many of these stati and frankly, I cannot believe you think it's acceptable.  You've now told the world that your significant other is a giant douchebag, complete with grotesque detail of all the wrongs bestowed upon you, and your viciously negative opinion of them. Which, in and of itself, may be almost ok, but for one tiny little factor.  Time changes your situation. They've apologized, you've given a second chance, life is swell.  Not for the rest of Facebook.  You've allowed a bunch of folks, many of whom are strangers, to chime in with all kinds of opinions about your relationship issue.  Perhaps, you've even created heated arguments that stretched down mile-long comment threads.  Families have gotten involved, insults shot out at unsuspecting news feed dwellers.  Fights are breaking out like it's a women's prison. Now strangers hate each other, you aren't speaking to half of your family and 3/4 of his. All because you decided to air the stink out on the internet.
Those of you who like to air out the marital sheets, do you realize how stupid you look? One day, he's the scum of the earth and you wish his smelly schlong would shrivel up and fall off.  Three days later, he's your soul mate who was put on this planet by God just for you and you couldn't be happier.  A month later, he banged your cousin and is moving in with her, leaving you pregnant and pissed off.  But, through the grace of God, the week following, he has moved back in and is the father of the year.  You may enjoy your emotional roller coaster, and I invite you to have at it.  Clearly, you aren't the brightest crayon in the box, and that's ok. You are happy, and I really don't care what you do. But when you make it my business, and you post this ridiculous whirlwind of relationship dysfunction on a regular basis, I am going to have an opinion about you.  My opinion of you was already fairly ground-level...I don't suffer stupid kindly.  However, now, you've really  taken being a window licker to a whole other level.
Here's the deal. Post about your day, without too much detail.  Post a pic of your kid playing baseball, I have a soft spot for that.  Post a funny observation about life, or an interesting news article you've read.  Get political!  I love a good fight about the Presidential candidates.  Song lyrics are enjoyable, start an online sing-along.  Give someone a well-deserved shout out.  Tell me you're tired because you didn't sleep, I'll understand. But for fuck's sake, don't use Facebook as your personal journal.  Keep that shit to yourself.  If you wind up old and alone, and can't figure out why, don't come crying to me. Are you friggin kidding me right now?