Text responses might take longer than 2.387 seconds, get over it!

Does your friend do this to you?  Your phone buzzes with a text message.  Perhaps you are driving.  Maybe you are cooking dinner and your hands are covered with raw chicken slime.  Do you smear salmonella all over your phone so you can get that response out immediately?  Fuck no!  I continue on with my dinner prep because, well, I'm hungry and that's all that matters to me.  If I'm in the shower, don't expect me to ruin my phone because you decided to send me a cute photo of a puppy licking his ball sack.  There's not much that's important enough for me to turn off the water, attempt to dry off quickly, and grab my cell phone.  Shower time is MY time, you and your text don't count during MY time.  It could be I'm watching TV, and yes, that is important enough for me to ignore my phone.  I don't watch a ton of TV, but I have favorite shows during which you may not interrupt me.  One day I may have to list them for your emotional benefit.  Interruption during any one of them brings out the angry bitch in me, and you can't handle her.
The inverse is just as frustrating.  If I have a fairly important question, and I've texted you, I expect a response.  I know this is totally contradictory to the previous paragraph, and I really don't care.  As a reminder, my opinion is the one that counts here, and since it is all about me, you get to deal with it and shut your fucking cake hole. Continuing on, the text will pop up on your screen, unless like me, you've switched it to say Text Message to keep wandering eyes from reading what doesn't concern them.  When it does, and you see an important question: wash the beef blood off of your hands, take two seconds to respond, and go back to butchering the cow in your kitchen.  I have most of my friends' schedules in my head and I try not to interrupt during certain times.  I'm considerate like that.  Because I'm such a fucking thoughtful broad, I expect you to return the favor in kind. Answer the goddamn question!

Then we have the friend who calls you.  I know, who actually calls anyone???  But you'll have that one old-school friend who dials your number just to hear your voice.  Why?  I don't know.  Maybe sometimes I like to hear a human voice on the phone, too, I won't lie. But, back to the point, because as we all now know, I do have one.  When you call, and I don't answer, don't take it as a personal slam against you.  My refusal to pick up the phone could be purely innocent.  Maybe my phone is on vibrate.  Maybe it's on vibrate AND in my purse.  Maybe, it's upstairs charging, and I am downstairs.  And maybe, just maybe, I am too busy to pick it the fuck up!  Crazy concept, I know.  Being too busy for you seems almost like some kind of wild made-up story that could never ever happen, I know. Truth is, it happens.  Not because I'm such a flaming bitch that I purposely put everything else in front of you.  Nope, not even close.  Because life happens.  If you had one, you'd understand.
If you leave me a voice mail, trust me, I've listened to it.  I may not respond in the time you allot for REAL friends, but I will eventually respond.  Even if it's a quick text to let you know, I've heard and I'm here, I'll respond.  This is never good enough.  I have no idea why, but it just isn't.  There will be that one friend who gets their knickers in a knot because you didn't drop trou and call them right back.  And by right back I mean ten seconds after they've left it and you listened to it.  As if this ever happens.  Leaving a voice mail is like pressing pause.  Once you've done it, there is a waiting period.  You have to wait for the person to actually know that someone tried to call.  They have to see that you've left the voice mail.  There needs to be time to listen to it.  Then, of course, the time required to actually respond has to exist.  If all of these things are not in place, if the planets aren't aligned properly, you won't get your faster-than-lightning answer.  Pull your head out of your ass and learn now that you aren't the most important person on the planet.  Sometimes, someone else takes that title, and you get shoved down a rung or two.  That's life, and no one ever promised it would be fair.  Ask my mom, it was one of her favorite mantras.  "Life isn't fair."
I suppose much of this has to do with thinking that the world revolves around you and your drama du jour.  And I know that you really, truly believe that what happens to you is extremely important and therefore, timely.  Even if that were true, it doesn't negate the fact that others also have their very own daily drama to deal with and may be preoccupied with other things.  This hurts you.  Cuts you to the quick based on your past reactions to the perceived slights you've experienced.  For this, I am not sorry.  What I am sorry about is the fact that no one, up until now, has put you in your place.  Who died and left you the friggin President?  What makes your life so crucial that you believe that each and every fart warrants an audience?  I get it, you had a rough day.  Fuckin A.  Because you are the first and only person to experience that phenomena?  My mistake.  I'll alert the media. What a total sphincter!
Maybe someone needs to write a list of rules for texting and calling, time frames, protocol, SOPs, proper vs improper responses...a manual of sorts.  Then, I'll pick one up when it goes on clearance, skim through it, and use it to prop up a table leg that is out of balance. Once in a while, when I've run out of reading material, I'll yank it out from under that leg, and bring it to the toilet with me to help everything come out smoothly.  Beyond that, I want you to think about how fucking ridiculous that concept actually is and hang your fucktarded head in shame for nodding like a bobble head in agreement when I described it only sentences earlier.  I said this yesterday, and I'll say it again for clarity.  Get over yourself, twat!  My life comes first, and thinking that your petty bullshit in any way supersedes it, is complete and utter nonsense.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???