You want ranch with that? The Californication of my life.

Ranch dressing was never my favorite growing up.  I was a Thousand Island girl, with an occasional oil and vinegar moment.  Fast forward twenty-five years, and I found myself on the Left Coast, land of ranch with everything.  Holy shit!  The first time I ordered fries and the waitress asked me if I wanted ranch, I looked at her like she had an extra ass growing on her forehead.  Shaking my head to clear the nonsense I just heard, I told her ketchup would be more than enough.  Who puts ranch on french fries?  Just about everyone out here, that's who.  I tried to let that one slide, not wanting to reject the entire coast over a condiment.
Much to my disgust, I also learned that Californians put mustard on hamburgers and mayo on freaking everything.  I despise mayo.  That's not true, it has its place.  In my tuna salad.  The end. One road trip, many years ago, we stopped to pick up some breakfast sandwiches at the local greasy spoon. Thinking this would be a quick and easy stop, I jump out of the car and step into the diner.  The nice Mexican lady behind the counter greeted me and I placed an order for three bacon, egg, and cheeses on a roll.  Basic breakfast order, right? Not here.  Did I add any items to that order?  No, I most certainly did not.  Bacon, egg, and cheese.  Plain and fucking simple.  What I received, and only noticed once back in the car and on the road, was a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich...with lettuce and gobs of fucking mayo!  Who the hell puts lettuce and mayo on something that contains an egg? NorCal residents do.
This was when I started to wonder if they even had taste buds out here.  It was bad enough I couldn't find a real pizzeria here, and that is tragic, but I was coming face to face with the most ferocious food combinations I had ever encountered.  Having been spoiled by eating the best pizza in the country all my life, I didn't know that pizza could be gross. Doughy and peppery, this shit truly upset me.  Who is making this crap?  Who told them that you should mix cheddar cheese in with the mozzarella?  Cheddar is a cheese I should never see on pizza or any Italian food.  Yet, over and over again, this orange glop found its way on to every pizza I ordered, attempting to find real pizza.
Pizza toppings.  They should be simple, basic, and taste good with sauce and mozz. What they shouldn't be is BBQ'ed.  Pizzas are not edible plates on which to put other non-related food items.  Ham and pineapple have no place on a pizza.  Neither does BBQ sauce or Canadian bacon or cilantro.  It's not a fucking taco!  Good lord, how do you people eat this shit?  Pepperoni, garlic, meatballs, mushrooms, olives...normal pizza accompaniments.  Leave the Mexican ingredients at the taqueria.
Avocado is something I never thought I would come to enjoy.  It's funny-looking, smells weird, and a textural nightmare.  My mom brought one home many, many years ago and felt we should try it.  I almost projectile vomited having tried the tiniest bite. She never bought another.  Here, it's a staple like rice in China.   I was very reluctant to put that mushy green stuff in my mouth again.  But, I felt almost obligated to do it.  As a California resident, I think you HAVE to eat it.  I'm not sure they'll let you have a driver's license without doing so.  I wasn't taking any chances, so I decided to take the chicken shit way out.  Guacamole.  That's right, people.  Mash that odd-looking fucker up with some lime, onion, cilantro, garlic...I'll have a taste.  Suddenly, I was a convert.  Maybe they aren't so nasty, after all. Took a considerably longer time to attempt to eat a slice on its own.  Ok, maybe the granola-chomping, hemp-wearing, Left Coasters were on to something.
As I began the assimilation process, I noticed my tastes begin to adapt and change.  No longer was I hunting for NY Chinese food, rather I had embraced the spicy, more authentic CA version of it.  Even if the Chinese restaurants out here think using scraps of chicken and beef anuses is acceptable usage of meat in a szechuan dish, I can look past it or eat shrimp and avoid the heinous, tendony alternatives.  I'll slap avocado slices on my burger, but don't expect me to slather mustard on it.  Ketchup belongs on a burger, mustard on a hot dog.  Commit that to memory, free-range, organic natives.  Mayo still has absolutely no place on my egg sandwiches, nor will it ever.  That shit is just nasty.  I'll even dip a fry or onion in ranch, unprovoked and completely of my own volition. But, I will not, cannot, never, ever, even on a dare dunk my goddamn pizza slice in ranch dressing. Even if it is too peppery, double cut because you dip wads don't know how to properly FOLD a slice to eat it, or speckled with fucking cheddar cheese.  Ranch doesn't belong near my pizza, are you friggin kidding me right now?