I love myself, allow me to expand...ad nauseum

Don't you just get all warm and fuzzy knowing someone like this?  I know that I, for one, experience pure joy while listening to a friend regale me with all that is fantastic about them and why I should agree. Oh, the smile plastered across my face should speak volumes.  If I've been smiling for too long, you should probably check my eyes.  Why? Because after a certain amount of time, the phony smile spreads to my eyes causing them to become glazed over like I've just floated up out of a giant bong. Having a decent level of self-esteem is great, we all should like ourselves.  Knowing what you do well is fabulous when you are deciding on a career or hobby.  Feeling attractive is healthy and should be encouraged in our children before high school so they don't fall into the media trap of wanting to be built like a chopstick.  So don't think for a moment I'm asking you to be a self-effacing, self-deprecating, depressive Debbie Downer.

Here's what I absolutely cannot stomach in another human being, full-on conceit.  Not just conceit, but the delusional belief in their own perfection.  Of course, if you want to go through life thinking you are Christ walking among us, have at it, fucktard.  Don't try to bring me into your psychotic camp.  I will not drink the Kool-Aid.  You are wasting your time on me.  If I can see you with my own two eyes, allow ME to be the judge.  Launching into a verbose diatribe about how great your hair came out today is only going to force me to search for the obvious roots you forgot to touch up or how you neglected to remember your head has a back and didn't style it with quite as much gusto as the front.  Not only will I search for your 'do imperfections, but I'll bring them to attention of others so we can mock you after you leave.
When you attempt to tell me about the new outfit you purchased, let ME comment on it if I choose.  Blatantly guiding me to view how great you think your ass looks in your new jeans is causing me to also notice the fat rolls on your back caused by your ill-fitting bra and accentuated by the three-sizes too small shirt you've paired with those foxy new jeans.  I am a very observant person, always have been.  I don't need to have things shoved in my face for me to notice them.  If something is beautiful, eye-catching, fits well on you, I'll notice and let you know way before you have the chance to let me know how I should feel about it.  If I haven't gone out of my way to throw a compliment your way, I'm not terribly impressed OR I've seen you wear it before and still wasn't completely wowed. This is not to say that I find what you're wearing to be particularly repulsive.  Were that the case, my facial expression would have told you before my mouth shared the words.
If you are an amazing athlete, marksman, artist, dancer, singer, juggler, whatEVER, you need never speak it out loud.  In case you aren't clear as to why this is, I'll help you out, genius.  If you dance like Savion Glover, I'd be able to see it for myself.  If you are a sure-shot, let's go to the range where you can show me.  Telling me about it with nothing to back it up seems a little like gross exaggeration until I actually view it. I'm not cynical, I'm realistic.  You can't be good at everything, no one is.  I'm sure you'd like me to think you are, and possibly be impressed.  Not going to happen, not now, not ever. So, when you tell me all about how fantastic your drawings are, be sure to have your sketch pad with you or don't expect much more than an "oh really" from me.  Until I've heard the smooth, melodic tones flowing out of your cake hole, don't expect me to believe you rival Mariah Carey's five octave vocal range.  Chances are, if you have to tell me, you probably sound more like my cat hurling out a hairball at 2am.
And see, that is exactly the point.  If I can't see it or hear it on my own, it's just fluff and nonsense created by you to sound more fabulous than you actually are.  Talent and beauty are two things that advertise themselves.  Here's another, being a nice person.  If you are a genuinely kind-hearted soul, it shows wordlessly.  Announcing every time you are going to that shelter to volunteer is obnoxious.  It tells me one of two things, either you are doing it only to get some kind of credit for it, or you really aren't but you believe I'd be impressed if you actually were. Either way, you're a fucking ass wipe.  Telling me about how you worry about other people and how your concern keeps you up at night, makes me throw up a little in my mouth.  Seriously?  Do you expect me to believe that you spend sleepless nights worrying about the poor children in war-torn countries?  Holy shit, you are more fucktarded (this is an attempt at a more PC term than retarded) than I originally thought.  And please, don't force tears out when you are talking about how sensitive you are...it looks like you are passing a stone.

Trying to impress me with your intelligence?  Don't even bother.  You can ramble on and on about your supposed scholastic achievements all you want, but in reality, unless I see your transcripts, it means nothing to me.  I can access mine and show you what achievement looks like.  But you truly believe you are an intellectual, so knock me out with your brain power.  By the way, that doesn't mean use really long words improperly and in the wrong context and hope to hell I don't notice.  I do.  And then I tell others on my intelligence level, and we laugh at you.  At great length, and with immense enthusiasm for the topic.  We even edit your emails, laughing so hard that tears stream down our legs. Speak normally and think before you open your yap.  That's smarter than most and will impress even more.  Fucking mouth breather.
I'm not sure you quite grasped the point I was making, and as usual, I do have one.  Love yourself as much as you want.  Do it in private and with whatever toys you choose.  But when you are in my presence and the presence of others, just act like a fucking human being.  You aren't a superstar, no matter how hard you try to sell it.  I'm not buying and nobody else is, either. Greatness precedes you and will be noticeable by all.  If you suck balls, we notice, too.  Either way, if I like you, I don't really care if you can juggle chain saws or just know how to make me laugh on occasion. Don't be a total dill hole by trying to showcase every talent you think you have. You are human like the rest of us.  No better, no worse.  Get over yourself. I already have.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???