Keeping up with the Joneses, you can't afford it and neither can they

Sweet mother of mercy!  Some people are really fucking intellectually challenged. I say this because I cannot think of another reason to be so envious of someone else that I'd go out and buy shit to be like them. Do you hate yourself that much?  How is what someone else has so important and so much better than whatever you have?  Totally stupid. Things are just that...things.  They don't matter.  But clearly, they do to so many.  The world is filled with greedy douche bags who place themselves in competition with all others for the acquisition of the most shit.  They have their eye trained on you, your neighbor, your cousin, and anyone they've come into any kind of contact with, making mental notes of all the THINGS possessed that they have yet to own.  The next step for them, is amassing all of it.  And I mean all of it.

Sadly, I've watched so many people go down this path.  At one time, I thought they were normal.  Boy, was I wrong!  What started out as a normal stay-at-home mom, turned into a frenzied shopper, attempting to have what she believed she actually needed to be happy.  Why? Because YOU had it, you had all those things she thinks are necessary for happiness. When the neighbors got a new kitchen, she had to have one, too.  Another mom showed up at school with a new car, and goddamn it, she had to have an even better one.  Her best friend got ruby earrings for her birthday, now her poor schlep of a husband has to get her bigger ones! And the list goes on and on.
Here's the main problem with this search for happiness. You can't afford it.  Living like the rich and famous takes the paycheck of the rich and famous...or at least a successful drug lord. Reality check, you don't earn that paycheck, and neither does your husband. What's a girl to do?  It's called credit, second mortgages, and the ever-popular and oh-so-fucking-annoying Avon/Cookie Lee/Tupperware/Ass Fetish/Candle parties and sales. If you cannot afford the brand-new turbo load, super fly washer and dryer in fashion colors, don't buy them.  But if you choose to, do not, I repeat do NOT invite me to a party and expect me to buy ridiculous shit that I most definitely don't need to help you pay for your crap.  I didn't buy it in the first place. I can do basic math. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing...
Buying and shopping with such determination to be just like you.  What they don't realize, is you bought that new dryer because your old one was eligible for AARP and scorching all of your clothes crispy.  They don't know that your mother-in-law gave you a gift card to Sur la Table and that was the only reason you even shopped there and you certainly could never have afforded the Le Creuset pan otherwise. The Prada shoes, consignment store-bought.  Oh, and those earrings were the first piece of jewelry your husband has given you since your wedding. Jealously is ugly.  It's also very ignorant.  Your perception of someone and their lifestyle is just one side of the coin.  Reality is a whole other ball game, and you don't even know the rules, bitch.
What happens to these women, and I'm saying women because it has been my observation that they are usually the most guilty of jealous behavior and actually acting on it, is that they screw themselves.  Nine times out of ten, they are quite nicely kept by their spouse already, able to stay home, and still have nice things.  Their immature, asinine, envious side causes them to view their lives differently, and so they set out to ensure they feel equal to the folks around them.  What they don't get, is that eventually, the well runs dry.  Usually long before they notice it, and so they keep going and spending and acquiring more and more shit.  This is where I get to laugh my big fucking white ass off. They get so far in debt, they have to get off of their fat asses and get a job!!!  What a fucking shock!  Things cost money, who knew?

Now there is another kind of jealous broad that I haven't mentioned yet.  This one is a little more single white female and definitely more creepy. She's the one who is the first to compliment you when you lose 5 pounds, and then she immediately joins Weight Watchers to be skinnier than you.  You had your hair colored recently and are feeling pretty good about it, until she goes out and gets almost, but not quite, the same color. She is not keeping up with you, she is trying to be BETTER than you.  You are her ideal and she is determined to beat you at your own game. What fucking game?  Nobody told you about it.  But here you are, trapped in her little mind-fuck like a character in one of the Saw movies.  In order to escape, you have to chew off your own leg, or the appearance equivalent. She won't stop until you do.  Does this mean you don't get a haircut ever again?  Hell no!  But she needs serious shaking up, and it's nothing some black nail polish and a Marilyn Manson t-shirt, and maybe a fake piercing won't cure.  She's too big of a wimp to even think about going there!
Here's a great idea, instead of focusing on buying stuff and trying to be like everyone else, work on making yourself more palatable to the rest of us.  Stop being such a materialistic ass hag, and start acting like a human being.  Nobody cares if you have True Religion jeans, a Mercedes, or if all your fingers sparkle with diamonds bigger than your ass.  We do care if you treat us like shit or a stepping stone on your way to bigger and better things. One day, you'll wake up surrounded by all you've amassed and you'll be very alone.  No one likes a jealous bitch, and that's all you are.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???