Let's stay the course and continue to the second part of the program which will assist you in creating someone that I actually like instead of a person whose head I'd like to smash into the sidewalk,repeatedly and with great force and malice.
Behavior
1. Feel free to ask for my advice, I've got opinions on almost every topic and would love to share them with you. What will force me to banish you from my kingdom is refusing to heed that advice. I don't mean you have to do exactly as I tell you like a child. I am simply informing you that once I've given the sage wisdom to you, it is yours to utilize to fix your stupid ass problem. If you toss it aside and keep doing what you've already done and failed while doing, don't come back to me repeatedly with the same fucktarded issue and expect that I will generously bestow that advice upon you again and again. Repeat offenders will be bitch-slapped.
2. I truly don't mind doing someone a favor. If I am able and available to help you out, I'll gladly say yes and lend a hand. Here's where it gets ugly. While I do understand that ifyou need something, there's a time frame expected. But, I have a life and if I am offering to help you, take that into consideration. My schedule is apriority and you will have to fit yourself in accordingly. Don't like it? Ask someone else.
3. Following that thought, if you need help with something, I'm your person. One thing I require that you keep in mind, is that if you asked for help or guidance, it means you DON'T know how to do it yourself. That being said, it also means you know that I DO know how. This means you must listen to me, not correct me or try to show me a better way, and you have to do it my way. Face it, if you knew how in the first place, you wouldn't be asking me. Don't waste my fucking time.
4. Let's continue along the same path here and delve into imposing your opinion on me, unsolicited and unwanted. If I wanted your advice, opinion, help, or assistance, I'd have no trouble opening my big mouth and asking for it. I haven't gotten to be this oldand relatively healthy by being a total fucking moron. I've never ridden the short bus, I don't wear head gear, and I am fairly capable of doing basic daily living activities all by myself...like a big girl.
5. Don't expect me to read your mind. I don't have a crystal ball, tarot cards are fun but I have no idea how to read them, and I don't live inside your head. Nothing chafes my hide like someone who gets pissed at me for not knowing what they meant after they've failed to communicate it properly to me. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to be at the same level of efficient communication that I possess, that isn't fair to those of you with less than average language skills. I do expect that you can formulate a clear, concise sentence which lets me know what the fuck is on your mind.
6. Never, ever talk down to me. This includes talking to me using the assumption that I don't know anything about the topic about which you are speaking. I absolutely loathe being spoken to like I'm brain dead. Allow me to enlighten you on this topic. Nine times out of ten, people I run into are nowhere near as intelligent as I, and while this can be frustrating to me, I am never mean about it. When speaking to me, know this, unless you encounter a blank look that should imply to you that I actually don't understand you or have a clue what you are prattling on about,you can rest assured I know enough about the topic to carry on a normal conversation with you and not require lengthy explanations complete with a Power Point presentation. Asshat.
7. Unless I've told you that I just saw a purple alien walking down the street while singing the National Anthem in Spanish, don't doubt me or my words. I have nothing to gain by lying to you nor am I so stupid that I talk out of my ass without knowing the facts. If I am taking time out of my day to actually speak to you and am expending energy to tell you something, take it at face value. Questioning me or attempting to educate me about my own statement is not only annoying as hell, but it makes you look like a complete fucking assclown. Don't embarrass yourself or force me to do it for you, because I will and with great joy.
8. People who know me, who really know me, know certain details about my life that many do not. This affords them a greater understanding of why I am who I am. This also means theyare aware of my low tolerance for people who come to me and complain about their lives, their minor illnesses, their mothers, and annoying children or spouses. They know that I have zero patience for those who think they can use what they think is a rough childhood as an excuse for being a douchebag today. Now you know, too.Think before you open your mouth, and then swallow a healthy dose of shut the fuck up.
I have neitherthe time nor the patience for people who have no understanding of how to treat people, especially how to treat me. Years ago, people used common courtesy, knew how to be respectful and kind, treated people the way they wanted to be treated themselves, said "please" and "thank you," and could carry on a pleasant conversation with another human being without it turning into a battle for the smartest in the land. There's no battle, it's me. Beyond that, just try to act like a goddamn human being and remember that people have feelings just like you. Ask yourself if you'd want your mother treated that way, and if you can honestly say yes, proceed. If not, slap your hand over your flapping jaw and cease the fucking inane chatter. Because you know, if you don't, I'd love to do it FOR you. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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