Fast forward to one month post-partum. Was I still a hulking fat ass? Boy howdy was I! Enormous and bloated, I waddled around in sizes I am too embarrassed to even type today. Probably because I was still eating like I was still pregnant. It's way too easy to get used to eating that way. Anyone who has had children can tell you that. Plus, the added stress of new motherhood, the severe sleep deprivation, and fucked up hormones all play a role in this roller coaster. Those of you who decided to behave like Olympians in training during your pregnancies, fuck you. Running on the treadmill, eating rabbit food, and looking skinny from behind, only having a tiny ball in front of you to indicate that you are, indeed, carrying a human being inside your body, you didn't quite grasp the concept of being with child. You didn't bloom and blossom. I'd also bet your baby was tiny. My fat ass produced a perfectly sized 7lb 1.5oz baby girl. Suck on that.
It took me almost three years to get back into shape and lose all that fat. While that might be on the longish side, it was done in a very healthy and gradual manner. Eating right and exercising, not crash dieting, starving myself, or blowing chunks after each meal. For some, that process may be faster. Screw you and your fast metabolism. But realistically speaking, it took you 40 weeks to balloon up to that weight, how can you be expected to lose it in four? That makes absolutely no sense. Neither practical nor healthy, no one should attempt to do that. You have just performed a physical feat so exhausting, painful, difficult, and are likely to be taking on the task of caring for this new human on your own because Dad has to work, and if you've made the right choice, you are now home as the primary caregiver. Anyone who thinks this is the time to begin an intense workout regime coupled with a rigorous, time-consuming diet plan is high. The body requires healing time, and you need proper rest so you can care for your child.
Hollywood, bless it's fairytale mindset and unattainable perfection. So many actresses that want to play the role of Mommy these days, baby bumps are being spotted everywhere. Don't they all look adorable? Perfect skin and hair, sporting the pregnancy glow, and the ever-expanding tummies protruding out in front of them. Some even get pretty damn large by Hollywood standards. Oh hell, they get fat as fucking cows. We all tsk tsk when we see them with their Venti Quad Mochas in hand, rushing from store to store shopping for baby. Too much caffeine is no bueno for a baby. As they get huge, we snicker at them because this is one time we are actually thinner than they are and it feels pretty damn good. They balloon and we derive sick pleasure watching it happen. Well, I do. You can admit to it in the privacy of your home where only God hears you.
And here is where we find our bodies are most definitely not the same as the rich and famous. Why is that, you ask? How come they can pop a baby out and slip into a slinky dress a month or two later? Where is their residual flab, the tummy pooch of the childbearing woman, the wider hips reminiscent of the days when a person lived inside them? Aside from the obvious...they have cooks, they have personal trainers, they have the luxury of around the clock nannies so they CAN utilize their home gyms and the services of the aforementioned personal trainers...they have amazing plastic surgeons. That's right, I said it and I'll say it again, plastic surgery is what separates them from us. When you have a plastic surgeon on deck during your planned C-section, ready to suck the fat and tuck the tummy, you, too can look like you just came back from the spa instead of donning the appearance of someone who forced a baby out of your vagina with a brute force only a woman can muster.
Of course, this is not to say that these ladies don't also suffer from a host of eating disorders and follow oddball fad diets, like Madonna and her clear broth bullshit and psychotic workouts that cause her to look like an emaciated man. Nothing they do is remotely healthy but Christ on the cross, they look fabulous. If they want to kill themselves from the inside out, that's their issue. Unrealistic concepts of beauty and sex appeal force those in the business to take extreme measures to fit those expectations, and shove it down our throats day in and day out through our routine media viewing. Whether it be in print or on a screen, these images are our basis for what is considered to be attractive, and the means to get there are all acceptable because they are famous and therefore, all knowing and correct. What the fuck is this world coming to, has everyone lost their goddamn minds all at the same time???
The reality is, our bodies were made to be curvy, soft, yielding, and able to carry another person for 40 weeks and bring that person into the world using only our own strength and natural instincts. A look into the past will show you that women weren't always considered to be desirable when they looked like 12 year old boys, having no hips, no thighs, a concave stomach, and bony shoulders. Instead of celebrating our womanliness, we fight against it as we diet, manically workout, take weird-ass supplements, binge and purge, and essentially starve ourselves until we turn into our favorite movie star, or so we think. Having a baby only proves how sexy we are, how magnificent our bodies can be, and how luscious and sensual curves actually look. Boobs don't grow on a stick. If you see a really skinny broad with huge cans, know this, those are the store-bought kind. Women with curves have them all over, and can fill out a sweater WAY better than you anorexic freak shows. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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