1. When are you due? Unless you have a death wish or have no intention of ever speaking to this woman again, do not ask this question. Certain criteria allow you to inquire, prior knowledge of her pregnancy or she is so far along you fear her water may break and splash on your favorite shoes. If neither of these choices exist, keep your big freakin mouth shut. Believe me, asking the wrong woman that question could result in her assisting you in shutting it...for good. Women do tend to yo-yo in the weight department, assuming that her excess belly fat is due to having a small human nestled inside her is one of the most insulting things you can say. I had been asked that question after losing 25 pounds on my way to 50 on Weight Watchers one time, and the only thing that prevented me from shanking the offender in the throat was that I was at work.
2. You've lost A LOT of weight! While this seems, on the surface, to be a wonderful compliment, it's actually a stab right in the eye to a woman. I know you are trying to be nice, but we hear something totally different. Our version sounds something like this, "Holy fuck! You used to be a fucking cow...Jesus H. Christ, you must have had your enormous jaw wired shut!" Turning something with good intentions into the biggest insult you've flung that day. Thus, putting you and your jejunum in grave danger.
3. You look really nice today. Depending on whether or not you have freely given this woman compliments before this time, expressing positive affirmations about her clothing and hair, it could mean the difference between retaining and losing your nutsack. If you've never told us that you approve of our appearance and your emphasis is on the today, you've just told us that on other occasions, we look uglier than a bag of assholes. Never say this line with shock in your voice, that just endangers your bag boys oh so much more. Maintain an even tone, and remember to be specific about at least one detail, or we will assume you usually find us hideously unattractive.
4. Dump his ass. No matter what your opinion of her boyfriend or husband, unless she is ready to hear it, never tell her the complete truth. Now, you are probably asking yourself, "How the hell do I know when she is ready?" You may never know, but unless you are a domestic violence counselor and she has come to you specifically for advice about how to leave him, err on the side of caution. Usually, someone says this because the guy is a generic jerk, forgot a birthday or two, is lazy, cheap or just loud-mouthed. She may complain all the fucking time. The temptation is there, right on the tip of your tongue. But, if your intention isn't to break off the friendship, bite that tongue until it bleeds if necessary. Because, the fight will be over, they will be madly in love all over again, and now your negative and caustic opinion of him lingers like a bad fart.
5. Are you going to finish that? Why do you want to know? Keeping tabs on every bite that goes into my mouth? Are you genuinely hungry, because if so, ask for a fucking piece. Otherwise, don't worry about what I eat. Look at your own massive ass first and take care of that. When you ask a woman that question, she hears, "Don't you think you've had enough?" Which does translate in woman-ese to "You are an enormous, fat slob, you pig bitch." If there was ever a reason to commit murder, you've given it directly to us on a silver platter, asshole.
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