At first, it feels as though you've found a new bestie, someone who totally gets you, who is just like YOU! Sharing many of the same quirks, obsessions, and interests, you wonder where this chick has been all your life. Not only that, she's so goddamn nice. Anticipating your needs like your mom used to, this woman is worth her weight in gold. Even your other, older friends are beginning to pale by comparison. Never once mocking your OCD way of organizing your sock drawer or the ADD way you clean your house every other week because life keeps getting in the way of spotlessness. Your coffee addiction is not only fully supported, it's actually shared by this gift from heaven. Gets it? Fully understands, empathizes, and has the exact same issue.
Feeling like God has finally answered your prayers by putting your twin here on Earth to befriend you and join you in the journey of life, you can't believe your good fortune. You start planning outings, marathon phone calls, and become each other's most frequent comment buddies on FB. Always there to offer moral support, an ego boost, a compliment, or a laugh, this chick is your new favorite person. And even though your other friends, your real friends are skeptical as hell and have no problem telling you so, you wave them off with the flick of your hand thinking that they are just jealous of your new simpatico relationship. How could they possibly understand? They don't get you like she does, and really, when is the last time they brought you homemade banana muffins and oatmeal cookies? I know, right?
But then you notice something, something strange and disturbing that you try to push out of your mind because it's too silly to give a second thought. Yet it continues to niggle away at you, invading your island getaway daydreams and throwing you so off course, you have to actually address it. She's that way with everyone! Somehow, some way, she has simpatico with every fucking person with whom she comes into contact. How can that be? She was your friendship soulmate. That bond was yours and yours alone. What the fuck is going on here?! When you step back and observe her behavior with others, it sure seems like this bitch is sucking up to them. Kissing their asses, agreeing with everything they say, commisserating with all their complaints and woes, and telling these people how she feels so connected to them because they share oh so much in common. Surely that is considered ass kissing, isn't it?
Isn't that what she had been doing with you all along? Hadn't she been filling your head full of bullshit since the day you met? Can someone really be THAT nice, or is that just a facade to make her believe she has tons and tons of friends? If you guessed the latter, then step away from the short bus, you've proven you are smarter than a baboon. The other and more fucked up issue with this broad, is that she not only isn't that nice, but she is usually the most manipulative, conniving, opportunistic, phony bitch you'll meet in this lifetime. Surprise, surprise. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is and you should learn to trust that little voice inside your head more often. Except when it tells you to run out and skin all the people who can't drive in your neighborhood. Are those just MY personal voices? No shock there.
Now that I've put doubt into your mind, you've begun to notice it, too. Not only are you observing the clearly fake overabundance of friendliness, coupled with a fast, intense friendship, and what would appear to the naked eye to be genuine concern for your well-being. But now you are also aware of the fact that it is spread far and wide like a pole dancer's legs and as fake as her tits. The rest of her behavior is so incongruous with the nurturing side she shows you. You start to see the bullshit she is pulling with people she claims to love, people she purports to value in her life. Her incessant need for external validation is blinding and you now are sickened by the fact that you actually felt something for this piece of rancid horse shit. The sole reason she latched on to you was to get from you what she was pretending to give.
What we have here is a desperate need to be accepted and loved, all while presenting a false front to those from whom she seeks acceptance. Morphing into a carbon copy of you and anyone else she comes into contact with just to elicit the validation she craves along with whatever else she can garner from a relationship with you. Men, be very leery of a woman who seems to be a female you. There are NO female versions of you, trust me. She doesn't love bourbon, hunting, and farting the theme to Bonanza along with you and your buddies. She doesn't share a love for guzzling beers, watching football, and ogling bimbos with you. If she says she does, run. Run far and run fast. This skank wants something from you and she will drain you dry, and not in the way you think. Your little man is only a means to an end. Once she gets what she came for, she is out and you are broke and alone, buddy.
Friendships develop over time. They grow, they change, they intensify...but not within the course of a week. The getting-to-know you period isn't a 2 hour process that culminates in slicing open a finger and becoming blood-sisters. Nobody is JUST like you, and no one cares about you as much as your mom, so if this chick is giving you that impression, wake the fuck up. Give and take, reverse. Such is the flow of friendship. When you go out of your way to please me like a mail-order bride on crack, I don't trust you as far as I can throw your ass. Frankly, you scare me. I don't know what you want, or what you hope to take from me, but know this, you are walking away empty-handed. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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