Say it loud, say it proud...just not all the fucking time

Every day we all have the potential for greatness. Well, maybe not ALL do, but most people are able to do something for which they feel pride. Whether it's getting out of bed in the morning, making a delicious breakfast, getting the kids off to school, exercising, or reading a book. Some may go one step further and produce something creative or share their time and talents with those less fortunate. Life is definitely worthy of celebration and should be appreciated on a daily basis. I don't begrudge any of you Glad-asses your regular cheering, whooping, and jazz-hands ways of professing your satisfaction for the way you handle your life. Party on. Public announcements of the really big stuff, once in a while, are acceptable. Sadly, and much to my perpetual disgust, most people abuse the privilege.

Whether you are attempting to pat yourself on the back or you are seeking external validation, you are being a fucking ass clown. If you did something that is truly praiseworthy, others would notice and say so.  You wouldn't have to beg for it. Oh, you didn't think that was begging? When you post incessantly about each and every miniscule milestone you believe you've reached, I throw up a little in my mouth. What seems amazing to you, is actually a whole lot of nothing to the rest of us. We hate feeling forced to feign interest and enthusiasm for your bullshit. The truth is, we really don't give a ripe fuck. For many, this is hard to say out loud when faced with yet another cry for attention. Hell, sometimes it's hard for me, and I possess no edit button whatsoever.

Maybe you are one of those people who had parents who clapped and shouted every time you took a step or shit into the toilet instead of your pants? We've all seen those parents. The constant affirmations of their child's every breath, decision, and explosive fart. These are the children who grow up to think that everyone should cheer when they simply TRY to do something. Complete failures academically, they are the reason many schools are eliminating red pens, letter grading systems, and report cards altogether. These folks are emotional nightmares, having no real sense of self esteem except as it is based on someone else's opinion of them. This may be why you are seeking my approval and accolades when you do something you should do, like clean your house or drive your kids to their activities. That's your job, adults have responsibilities and real ones take care of them with minimal fanfare.

Perhaps, and this is where I think many of you lie, perhaps you are just an utter douche canoe with an inflated ego, a need to show off, and actually believe that others share your worship of YOU. Allow me to correct you publicly. While you may think you are as close to perfection as you can get on planet Earth, the rest of us see you as more of a dick with feet. It's one thing to love yourself, and you should, I wouldn't presume to dissuade you of doing so. It is quite another to think that you may have actually fallen off the cross to walk among us lowly shitheads. There's only one Jesus, and honey, it ain't you. Going to the gym is not cause to shoot off fireworks or plan a victory party. If you are someone for whom exercise has been impossible for years due to health problems that have since been eradicated from your life, then by all means, shout it from the rooftop every time you step on that treadmill!

BUT, if you are someone who just exercises partially for health and partially for fun and bounces around from Zumba to spinning classes, from aqua aerobics to boot camp because you have the attention span of a gnat and is prone to giving up or getting bored easily, shut the fuck up about your early morning trip to the gym. Likely, you are also someone with a whole lot of spare time, few real friends, and nothing to do. That is certainly something I wouldn't be screaming out my window for all to hear. I'd be embarrassed that I couldn't find something more productive to do with my glaring excess of free time.  Exercise is healthy and wonderful.  You should find time to do it at least three times a week. Notice I said to FIND time? Not fill your void and then proclaim it to the world in anticipation of a flood of congratulations. And to those of you who do participate in the celebratory head-bloating kudos, you're lucky shanking is illegal and punishable with jail time. There are others just like me who may not fear prison quite as much as I do...so keep up the buffoonery.

My point, and I do have one, is this, whether you seek validation because you are insecure or because you are having an embarrassing love affair with yourself that you want others to share, you are single-handedly driving the rest of us bat-shit insane. Most of you wouldn't know a real accomplishment unless it crawled up behind you and bit your fat ass. I have an idea, a great idea that I know is impossible for you, do something amazing just for you and don't tell anyone. Can you manage to fold three loads of laundry without telling anyone? Can you enter a gym quietly and exit just as quietly, leaving your phone in your purse so you aren't tempted to Tweet, Instagram, and Facebook about it? I seriously doubt it. Who would comment, "like" or favorite your grand feat of fabulosity if you didn't?  Where would you get the virtual pats on the back you so desperately require every day? Let me assure you, if you are seeking this validation from me, you are barking up the wrong fucking tree.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???