Before you jump ugly with me and attack my stance against breastfeeding, understand that I don't care. My opinion is the one that matters right now, and if you want to expound the joys and benefits of having a child dangling from your tits all day long, there are sites geared toward your little obsession. I'm sure you can tell me all about how your way of feeding your child is better than mine. The joys of breastfeeding, the lasting benefits, the development of immunities, the crucial moment of bonding, the IQ enhancements. Yeah, all a fat load of bullshit. No really, it's bullshit, plain and simple. Whip out those studies, pamphlets from La Leche, the advice given to you from your doula or midwife, the books, the videos...and then stuff them up your ever-expanding ass.
Oh, I can hear the thunderous sound of women everywhere, racing to their little child-rearing libraries to prove me wrong. Is it really about the baby, or is it about the promise of losing the baby weight more rapidly than those of us who chose the bottle option? What guided your decision to feed your child using a bodily fluid? That IS what breast milk is...a bodily fluid, like snot and spit. The last time I checked, I found out that I am, indeed, not an animal living in the wild and do have access to supermarkets. Information that assisted me in my decision-making process. We do live in the United States, right? This hasn't been deemed a Third World country, has it? We do have modern technology, running water, and flush toilets, right?
Holy crap, I can feel your righteous indignation through the laptop screen. Let me help you out...your kids haven't been sick, haven't cried when you've left them, and are two points short of genius on the IQ scale, thanks to your decision to feed them through your nipples. Am I close? Or is that the perception you were fed, you swallowed it hook, line, and sinker...and now can't get the little leeches off your fun bags? I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your misguided screw up and wish I could help you. But, personally, I think it's more fun to laugh at you and your dumb ass choices. I've seen breast-fed children who are roly poly little munchkins with asthma and a host of other afflictions. Care to explain?
Neither I nor my child were breast-fed. We are both only children who are neither overweight, nor afflicted with strange immune deficiencies. Oh, did I mention we were both straight A students all through grammar school, and I all the way through high school? Hmmm, blows your theory completely out of the water doesn't it? Should I mention that my IQ was tested as a child, and would likely make you cry out in a jealous rage, perhaps wanting to shank your doula for ever feeding you that pack of lies?
Watching women with infants in their arms, covered by a little blanket while breast-feeding is not offensive to my sensibilities. What is offensive is those same women, four years later, whipping out a sweater puppy to nurse, and I use that term so disgustedly, a preschooler. If the child can ride their bike up to you at the park after playing tag with his friends, and ask you for a drink of your ta-ta fountain, it may be time to pull the plug on that form of hydration. Who benefits from this practice? Have you heard of MILK?!?! They sell it in all sizes, flavors, fat contents...and it tastes sooooo good when it's frosty cold right out of the fridge. MMMM, I can just imagine a cold glass now. Why the hell would you subject your kid to drinking your broccoli-flavored, warm tit waste when he could be enjoying a nice glass of chocolate milk with his friends?
Boobs are decorative. Boobs fill out t-shirts. Boobs are fun to play with, so I've heard. They are not drinking fountains. We don't live in grass huts scattered throughout a jungle with no access to shopping. Let's get into the current century, let's exercise some common sense. Let's question the advice we are given when it sounds so wrong. I have, and I will again the next time I see a woman feeding her intelligently-speaking toddler from her chi-chis, exclaim loudly for all to hear, "Are you friggin kidding me right now???"
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