I'll just have a salad, and other lies you tell

We've all eaten with this person.  You are scanning the menu for some fried happiness, and they are sitting across from you with a holier-than-thou look on their face saying, "I'll just have a salad, dressing on the side."  Excuse me while I run to the bathroom to change my pants, I think I just peed myself.  Do you truly think I believe that is your normal choice of consumption, Jumbo McLardAss?  Before you jump ugly with me about the weight comment, I must inform you that I have a huge yo-yo weight problem of my own and have done Weight Watchers for over six years in the hopes of never weighing THAT much again.  So, yes, I can throw stones.  Jumping right back in, I'm not sure which part is funnier to me.  The look on your face, clearly judging my desire for chips with queso...or the fact that you think your miniature salad plate makes you look thin.  Babe, trust me, those leaves aren't covering much!  I'll let you in on a secret, I don't always eat the chips with queso.  But when I do, I know when to back away from the chip.  That's right, back away and nobody gets fat.  Instead, you'll order the salad with a squeeze of lemon, drink water, and all the while you are fantasizing about the Twinkies you have tucked into your nightstand waiting for you when you get home.  That's healthy eating right there.
How about our good friend, Mr. No Offense?  If you feel that you have to precede anything you say with the disclaimer, "no offense," I want you to realize, I am already taking offense.  By the time you are halfway through the supposed non-offensive statement, I'm probably dreaming of thrusting a shank deep into your liver.  You know exactly what you are saying and you DO mean to offend.  I suppose you were taught at a very young age to pussyfoot around the subject to get your way.  Tiptoe through the tulips...here's a thought, chicken-shit, either keep the venom to yourself or man up and say it with pride and conviction.  Either way, we will all respect you a little bit more.  Looking over your shoulder to see who is around you, that's another wimpy thing you do right before you let us know that you mean no offense.  Why are you scouring the area, then?  Who are you afraid of exactly?  If you believe what you are saying, then by all means big boy, say it.  I wonder if you just lack conviction...or balls.  Probably both.
"I love that shirt" or whatever the fuck I am wearing.  You really don't have to comment on a new item I am wearing.  It's not your style, it's mine.  The need to constantly flatter someone else even when you don't mean it says more about you than about what I am currently sporting.  Maybe you are from the same neighborhood as Mr. No Offense...the one where you need everyone to like you so you say what you think we all want to hear. My neighborhood has a no bullshit policy, so if you are talking to me, keep it real.  I rarely compliment people, it just sounds so phony when it flows with such regularity from the lips of some folks.  Maybe it's because I don't care if you like me.  Perhaps it's just because I prefer not to lie to you, less for me to remember.
The phrase "my friend" gets bandied about nowadays about as frequently as I say the word fuck.  Not everyone is your friend.  Really.  You have work associates, colleagues, acquaintances, people you pass on the street...but friends, real friends...you can count those on one hand and have fingers left over.  But I know some people who insist that everyone is their dear, close, intimate friend.  Who the fuck are you kidding?  Half of the individuals to whom you are referring wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.  Yet you think they  are close and worthy of invites to your parties and such.  Are you so insecure that you need to feel surrounded?  Do you think you need to convince me of your popularity?  I know different.  We all do, so let's start using proper terminology when referencing someone you just met, shall we?
My child would never...stop yourself right there.  They would and they have, you are just too busy inspecting your colon since your head has been up your ass while they have been snowing the shit out of you.  These are the parents that really make me laugh till tears run down my leg!  Kids are kids, and that being the case, they are hard-wired to test the waters, to push limits, to experiment. And don't even tell me you didn't and that is why your kid won't.  Those are two bald-faced lies, and we've already established my no bullshit policy.  Never puffed a friend's cigarette?  Never took a sip of a beer out of a red solo cup?  Never made out in a car?  Did you grow up in a convent or monastery?  Didn't think so.  Then why on earth do you think your kid is immune to all this?  Because you told them not to?  OMFG!  One more second while I change my pants yet again...I've got to start wearing Depends, you guys kill me!!!  Wake up before it's too late, people.
The next time you feel like bullshitting me, find another brainless ass hat to entertain.  I'm not going to hold back when I hear the phony spewing from your hole anymore. You will hear, "Are you friggin kidding me right now???"