The world does not revolve around you. There, I said it. Now that it's out of the way, let's explore why you think it does. We all have a friend who thinks they are the center of the universe. Want to plan something with them? Their schedule is the only one that matters. Last minute dinner out? You may require a babysitter...that's ok, your kid is old enough to stay home alone right? Um, she's five? Not that this applies to me, but you get the picture. Leave your spouse home, I'm ready now. Grabbing this person by the shoulders and shaking them till they vomit is not an option. You just keep repeating yourself, asserting that your life is, indeed, as complicated and busy and you have a schedule to be worked around, as well. They only half hear you.
They actually only half hear anything you say. How is that possible? Do they only have one ear? Nope. Two fully functioning ears on this ass hat. They only hear half of what you say because they are already thinking of the next thing they want to tell you. And the only topic that interests them...is themselves. Shocking! Did you ever notice that when you are telling them a story, their eyes are everywhere but focused on you? They fidget around, shift from foot to foot, crack their knuckles, scratch imaginary itches, everything but give you their full attention. It's not that they don't like you, or care about you, per se. They just really care about themselves MORE. There's really nothing you can say that would be more interesting than the thing bouncing around in their fat head waiting to erupt out of their yap.
You want to like them more. You try to understand it from their point of view. What is going on for them is huge! Colossal! Mega-fucking-important! I know you just lost your job, your pet ran away, and your kid has the measles...but this new phone I just bought fucking rocks! Wanna see all the apps I have? What the fuck?!?! Didn't you just hear me? Yeah, yeah, of course I did. Bummer, dude. So, check out the new ringtones that come with this killer phone. Holy shit, does it get worse than this? Sure does. Ask them to show up on time for something you want to do. Or even just be available. They won't. Something always inevitably comes up. Remember, their lives are very, very full.
If you have something bugging you, call your parish priest or the local deli before you dial this butt munch's number. Support is not coming anytime soon from this good buddy. They can't relate to you because their mind is filled with all sorts of stuff, all pertaining to them. Have you ever had this conversation? You call them because you are having a problem and really need someone to bounce it off and get some advice. You are rattling and prattling on, getting so much off your chest, and it feels good! Until you realize they haven't heard a goddamn thing you said! OH MY GOD! Their response is so far off the mark, and why? Because they listened half-assed while playing X-box and eating a sandwich.
Now, reverse the situation. They call you, doesn't matter what time or where you are, because believe me, they have a clue, they just don't care. Did they wake you? That's ok, they are having yet another crisis. The difference is, to them, it's important, and you better be paying close attention. Why, you ask? Because they check in throughout the conversation, looking for valid responses. You actually HAVE to listen. If you miss a word, they know, and don't hesitate to call you out on it. It's a one-sided friendship, for sure. And you are stuck. For some reason, you'll never escape their clutches. They've gotten under your skin, and they plan on staying there. You want to walk away, you try to run. They pull you right back.
This is the same friend that seeks out constant validation on their favorite social media site, or sites. They actually believe that every meal they eat, every place they go, every move they make is post-worthy. Sadly, these people also have a host of sycophants who will comment repeatedly every time, making sure to inflate this bozo's ego to epic proportions. How do they do it? How the hell does everything they say become attention-sucking? They've gotten under the skin of others, too. I wish to hell I knew how they did it. The cure for any disease comes from knowing its source. This is most definitely a disease...a social and emotional disease. If there's a cure, feel free to leave it in the comments section. Somehow, I think you'd make quite a few people dance with joy. I know you'd make me fist pump, Queens-style, are you friggin kidding me right now???
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