MUST you do that??? Your annoying habits drive me bat shit.

Everyone has at least one annoying habit.  You do, and it drives me out of my fucking mind.  I'm sure you'll tell me that either you don't or you do, but don't even realize you're doing it.  Fear not, I am here to put you at ease. You do have an irritating habit and you DO know you are doing it.  You just don't care.  For whatever reason, you've incorporated your twitches and tics into your normal daily movements like walking, talking, and eating. Now they've become a habit, and Lord above, you do it all the time. Most often I won't say a word to you, I'll just become increasingly agitated and figure out a way to escape your proximity.  Whether it be ending the conversation, or running far and fast in the opposite direction, I can't be in your presence for an extended period.
There are a select few habits that irk me.  I'm not completely without tolerance.  Let's start with the mucus aficionados. Oh, you know who you are. Not the nose pickers, nope. The sniffers. The sniffers and their equally disgusting and more congested sidekicks, the snot garglers. Have you ever heard of this fantastic new invention called the TISSUE? These ass clowns are everywhere.  In stores, on the streets, at the movie theaters, on buses and trains...friggin everywhere.  The sound of someone inhaling the contents of their nasal cavity and adjoining sinuses makes me cringe. The incessant sniffer is bad enough. Sounding like you have a ferocious coke habit is not pleasant for anyone around you. And you, the gargler, what the fuck is wrong with you?  Do your honking globs of booger taste so good that you feel the need to suck them back like you're at an oyster bar and swallow them with as much gusto?  Address the cause of your profuse nasal blockage and do something about it.  Take a goddamn Sudafed and blow your effin snot locker.
Staying with the facial area, please stop licking your lips!  When that giant frog-like tongue of yours begins its journey out of your cakehole and slaps itself across your lips, I get physically ill.  Having dry lips is one thing, it happens to everyone.  The makers of ChapStick and Carmex depend on that.  What I don't understand is why I am seeing your tongue more often than your significant other.  It belongs on the inside of your mouth. Some of you are discreet about it, thank you.  Others, and you know the type, make a meal out of their faces.  These are the ones I want to bitch slap, but don't for fear of being slimed by the copious coating of spit across their faces. Trust me, it ain't sexy.
Those of you who are hair-focused make me loony, too.  The tossers are on the top of this list. Why?  Because they are the ones who actually invade my space.  It's never the chick with short to average length hair who does this.  No, it's the one with hippie-length hair who looks like she hasn't had a haircut since before puberty.  She won't cut it but it seems to be perpetually in her way.  I say this because she wouldn't be flipping it to and fro and tossing it side to side if it was at all comfortable just being there in all it's unruly and split-ended glory.  Fifteen inches of hair is bound to slap someone across the face if they aren't nimble enough to duck the offending wave of dead keratin. I appreciate the fact that usually the hair is washed and smells halfway decent.  But, I don't need it whipped across my face, up my nose, and stuck to my lip gloss.  Keep your tresses to yourself. And if it's in the way, put it the fuck up!
Speaking of those who put their hair up, once it's up, leave it there.  Nothing is more distracting than talking to someone who cannot seem to decide whether it's a ponytail kind of day.  Up, down, up, down...with such fanfare and drama.  Jesus H Christ.  This is not a life-altering decision.  If you are hot, put it up.  If you've spent time styling it that morning, and a hot flash hasn't attacked the back of your neck like a flame thrower on acid, leave it down.  See, easy? Not for these dimwitted damsels.  It's up, it's down, it's a ponytail, it's a messy bun.  Over and over and over.  You may think I'm not paying attention to what you are saying because my eyes are constantly drawn to the show on top of your head.  Dizzying at best, but like a train wreck, I have to look. Find something else to do with your hands.
Like tap your fingers, for example.  No, actually, don't.  That is incredibly annoying and distracting.  People who do that strike me as the type who would rather be anywhere but here.  Like they have somewhere better to go and you are just wasting their time. Guess what?  I'd love it if you left.  That sound makes me feel tortured.  Repetitive noise, like something insurgents use to break down POWs, is not my idea of fun.  So, if I'm boring you, don't let the door hit ya on the way out, fucker.
Maybe you'd like to join your friend the leg bouncer?  This guy, and it is almost always a guy, is not only a pain in the ass, but he is a space invader.  Never across from you, this fuckwad will most definitely be seated right next to you, the offending leg touching yours. He bounces that leg so fast and so hard, you'd almost think he invented a new way to stroke his love monkey in public.  Dude!  I'm getting seasick sitting next to you, and I wouldn't hesitate to wretch my guts all over your perpetually moving lap.  Much like other unwritten rules, this one exists, as well.  Keep as still as possible when in such close proximity to another person that you are actually maintaining any form of physical contact. This means don't jolt my ass almost out of my seat or cause your leg to molest mine by virtue of the speed at which it is being rubbed by your spastic movements.
Finally, I'd like to bitch about the inappropriate laugher.  We all know at least one if not a few of these dumb shits.  Every sentence is punctuated with an awkward sounding staccato laugh.  Do you mean what you are saying? Is everything a joke to you?  Should I take you seriously when you ask me to call an ambulance for you?  You're laughing, how the fuck should I know? This is very disturbing to the person you are speaking to...ask anyone who has had the misfortune to have had a conversation with you. Personally, I find it almost impossible to engage you in any kind of conversation.  Is there a laugh track stuck in your ass?  Do me a favor and pull it the fuck out and turn it off before we talk.  I can't gauge the tone of the conversation with someone like you.  Keeping it real also means knowing where you stand...and you, my friend give NO indication as you once again laugh oddly at the end of another sentence.
I'm sure if given enough time and maybe a chance encounter with a few more schmucks and fuckwits, I can muster up a few more habits that piss me off.  I guess, now that I've had a moment to think, it doesn't take much to frost my cookies.  But, I'd be willing to wager you've nodded your head in agreement with me at least once today.  Don't pretend that you haven't.  Nobody is that saintly, are you friggin kidding me right now???