Loud talkers and other petty annoyances

Every workplace has at least one, the loud talker. One would have to assume deafness due to the ear-splitting volume used regularly by this ass clown. You'd think everything they had to say was of utmost importance or they would certainly speak more softly. Not only is their spiel important, but it is meant for ALL ears. Most people speak to a targeted audience, not Betsy Big Mouth, she speaks to all those within a 3 mile radius of her body. Her decibel level makes having your own private conversation almost impossible.  Forget about talking on the phone or getting any work done if you need any degree of quiet to be productive. Should you grow a pair and decide to ask her to tone it down, you'll be met with one of two scenarios. She may laugh at you because she doesn't see anything wrong with her exuberant way of speaking, or and this one is fantastic, she may read you the riot act for even insinuating that she is loud in the first place, and how dare you approach her about the way speaks anyway, who do you think you are trying to control her behavior?! Shaking your head, you return to your office/cubicle/classroom and ram a pencil into your eye to diffuse the ear pain you're experiencing as she begins another scream-fest.
The not-so-distant cousin of the loud talker is the laugh blaster. We all share laughter at work, unless you are a mortician, although I have a feeling they need a sense of humor to get through the day. Laughing is healthy and necessary for sanity. Most days, I laugh throughout the entire time I am at work, whether it's a chuckle, a snicker, or a full-on guffaw. When you enjoy your job and truly like the  people with whom you work, laughing is a natural part of the day. But, and this is a big but, not to be confused with my ghetto butt (note the double t), certain laughs are just more pleasant to hear than others. Some folks have a waterfall-like laugh that just flows like water from their lips and is like music to your ears.  Others have whole body laughs that shake them so hard it forces you to laugh with them.  A few snort, chuckle, giggle like children, and basically have infectious laughter that is easy on the ear and fun to be around.
Then, there is the laugh blaster, and they can come in several forms. One is the loud, obnoxious booming laugher who makes sounds like bombs going off indoors. Headache-inducing and extremely annoying to be in the presence of, this person laughs at everything, including himself. He is the cause of the mass exodus you see after someone tells a joke. Nothing is THAT funny.  Another form of this horrific crime against hearing is the ugly laugher. Don't get all defensive, you know exactly what I mean. Much like the sound of yowling cats mixed with someone gargling snot, this laugh can actually drive you to commit heinous crimes against the offender. This person also laughs at almost everything, even the most uncomfortable situations because they are often the most socially awkward person in the room. The last one I'd like to mention is the shrieking cackler.  Holy shit, like a pen of chickens were let loose in the building, this one takes the fucking cake. Loud and penetrating, her laugh carries across state lines, piercing your brain along the way. They all really should be shot on sight.
Must you sniffle and clear your throat all day long, claiming allergies?  Here's a little secret no one may have shared with you yet, allergy medication has been invented. Crazy, right? I know, totally unexpected, but true nonetheless. Allow me to offer you a starter pill out of my own stash so you can enjoy the sweet relief of what an antihistamine can do, while I rejoice in the sounds of silence. There's nothing more disgusting than the sounds of someone's profuse juicy mucous collection.  The sinus samba rumbling loudly within my earshot is enough to make me seek out a candy dish filled with Xanax to toss into my mouth like M&Ms. Another fantastic little invention, it's called a tissue.  Use one, hell, use several.  Whatever it takes to empty your snot locker completely, I'll even tear off a sleeve if it helps.

The Shore Shower, or as it is more commonly known, the Whore's Bath. I love perfume as much as the next chick, but there are limits.  Not only in amount but also the type of perfume.  First things first, never substitute heavy scent usage for an actual shower.  We are all adults here, we are all aware of the necessity of good personal hygiene. Nobody likes to smell badly, I know that. That's the first step. However, as funky as your pits stink, trying to mask the odor with copious amounts of perfume is the equivalent of lemon-scented shit. You've created a whole new smell and it can drop an elephant at fifty paces. The other portion of the problem, is that the offender usually doesn't use an acceptable brand of perfume.  Not to be a total snob, but drugstore scents are for teenagers who can't afford better. I know, I know, I crossed a line.  Fuck you, too. Put it on your Christmas or birthday list, no need to spend the extra cash yourself, God forbid you bought less lattes and saved your pennies. Don't compromise the integrity of my atmosphere.
Speaking of compromising my atmosphere, cover your fucking mouth when you sneeze or cough! At only 50 mph, 3,000 drops of your anthrax-filled cough juices spray into my zone of privacy when you don't cover your mouth. Germs fly out at 200 mph shooting 40,000 droplets of your foul diseases during one good sneeze. Have I convinced you to trap your fucking sneeze yet?  This habit of sharing your germ-ridden spit with the people closest to you has to stop. Being sick sucks, we all know that.  Let's help prevent an epidemic of snot and hacking coughs by doing what we were taught at 2 years old, cover your damn piehole when you cough or sneeze.  I just had my yearly flu shot today, and I don't want this ache in my goddamn left arm to be for nothing.
How about we all just exercise more common sense and consideration for others from now on?  Keep your noises, outbursts, oddball sounds, ear piercing tendencies, stench, and cooties to yourself.  Sharing is NOT caring in these cases. I'd like to be able to go about my day with a song in my head that I put there, not the never-ending echo of your wretched voice. And believe me, your middle aged mutant ninja germs are not welcome in my body...ever.  Are you friggin kidding me right now???