You are awesome, I know because you keep telling me

Most amazing things need no introduction. Incredible people don't either. Yet, all too often, I'm directed to applaud someone's minor, almost unrecognizable as such, personal accomplishments. Who hurt you all those years ago?  What makes you require unbelievable amounts of external validation now? Did Mommy and Daddy not clap and woot when you screamed for the 3 billionth time, "Look what I can do?!?!" Were there not enough colorful smiley faces on the tops of your homework in second grade? What drives people to behave this way? Does my opinion really matter to you or do you just amass vast quantities of "likes" on Facebook and "favorites" and "retweets" on Twitter until you feel whole? I was not put on this Earth to make you feel better about yourself, nobody was but YOU.  Until you like yourself, for real, no one else will, either.
Beyond that PSA I just bestowed upon you, I must tell you, there's an epidemic in our country.  So many folks have decided that in order to boost their low self-esteem, rather than working on it internally and fixing whatever they feel is broken externally, they've turned to the rest of us for the miracle cure. It's not that I can't be incredibly empathetic when necessary, I do have that capability. But I don't feel sorry for those that create their own drama and I could care less if you are looking for another fucking pat on the back. Learn how to do something for yourself, not for the accolades you hope will follow.  I'd swear that's the only motivation some people have for doing anything these days. It's like watching a country filled with three year olds.

Once again, I reference the internet because it's where I see this self-aggrandizing behavior the most.  It's easier to put yourself out there and kiss your own ass from behind a screen than face-to-face with an actual human. Giving yourself a hale and hearty pat on the back in front of another person takes balls that many just do NOT have. Testicular fortitude is innate, you either have it or you don't. Yet, you are seeking compliments on just about everything you do. Making dinner is not an accomplishment.  Neither is having done a load or two of laundry. Staying up all night with a sick child is your job, not an act of heroism.  Even exercising...that's something you should do, not something deserving of a prize every time you do it. Harsh, maybe.  True, you bet your sweet ass.
While I do applaud weight loss efforts since I continue to struggle with the battle between eating what tastes really good and being able to fit into my jeans, I don't need you to tell me every time you lose a pound.  Trust me, if you've truly lost a significant amount of weight, I will not only see it but I will comment on it with no convincing from you. I have eyes and a functioning mouth. Along those lines, I don't need to be informed every time you get a haircut or color.  I can see for myself and comment if I feel like it. Even though I know you know this, you insist on posting stati and photos ad nauseum of each and every supposed micro-accomplishment. Having a Vietnamese woman paint your fingernails is not applause worthy.  It's lazy and self-indulgent, at best.  Guilty as charged, once in a great while.

Here's another thing you probably shouldn't be blasting all over the motherfucking internet: jobs and salaries. You want to bitch and moan about your slave-driving boss, have at it. However, if you want friends, you probably shouldn't post about how you looked for ten minutes and landed your dream job. Or how you weren't even looking and this one fell right into your lap. Do you have any goddamn idea how many people are out of work? Has it occurred to you that they may not want to see or hear your fabulous news? Does the word unemployment mean anything to you? Ever try to pay real bills while on it? How about pay for COBRA with that lame assed check? Didn't think so. Most out of work professionals have been searching for a very long time because no one wants to hire the over-qualified, experienced person and pay the salary they deserve when they can grab a couple of recent college grads and pay them less combined. These people have had to settle for jobs far beneath their educational, accreditation, experience, and qualification level just to continue to pay their bills. They never stop the search in the hopes that America will turn around and they will be valued again. Celebrate in your own home, not in our faces.
I'd have to wonder if you really believe that everything you do is so fabulous that you just HAVE to share it with the planet, or do you actually hate yourself and are looking for a chuck on the chin from anyone and everyone.  The fact remains, your mental issues are all yours. Being a narcissist is a real disorder. The Mayo Clinic staff gives us this definition, "Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism."  Tell the truth, you saw yourself and it was a slap in the face. Better words on a computer screen than me, who is itching to backhand you across the mouth. Are you friggin kidding me right now???