However, photos have become a way for some people to showcase themselves the way they'd like to be perceived. Maybe when you are 15, you can get away with duckface. Women in your 40's and beyond, this is not the look you want others to see and use to judge you. Because we will. If you don't have pillowy lips and never have, let me offer you some advice. Scientists have invented lip plumpers that you can apply yourself without the pain of needles in the face. If this option doesn't appeal to you, then you must accept your pencil-thin lips. Sticking them out for photos, Deena and Snooki-style, makes you look retarded. Posting them all over FB makes you look like an aging whore. Smile prettily for the camera like we were all taught years ago to do by our school photographer. Teeth are not only permitted, but welcome.
Moving on to one of my favorite poses ever, the Lady Madonna. Usually utilized by the bitchiest women alive, the Lady Madonna has become quite popular with women my age. Allow me to describe this pose, as I am sure you know several women busting it out all over FB, Instagram, and in your text messages. Picture, if you will, a Mona Lisa smile with the head tilted down ever so slightly, looking up at the camera as though they've just come home from a soup kitchen after hugging a few lepers. Certainly, if you know these women, you know they wouldn't dream of doing something for anyone BUT themselves. Their pose is meant to trick you into believing they are inches away from sainthood, sweet as pie, and selfless human beings. Right. And I just returned from a pilgrimage to the Holy Land, where I spent time creating peace in the Middle East. Bitch, please.
Of course, you could be one of those people who isn't done behaving like you are still in college. Posting drunken photos of you and your friends, drinks in hand, looking like you've just been dragged out of a ditch. As the night wears on, your photos become soft porn-like as you and the aforementioned friends all become les-b-curious and are kissing and pretending to lick each others fun bags. Next, you fly loose with drunken abandon and off comes the shirt or worse, you yank that Victoria's Secret titsling up over your face letting the ladies drop to levels that should never be seen in public. Yet there you are with your iPhone, snapping pics of each others droopy boobs! Please spare the rest of us the horror that is your fallen rack. My eyes are aging as it is, they don't need to be prematurely blinded.
This next pose used to only be fancied by the teen set, but now has become popular with all who want to update their profile pics. The bathroom portrait. Who among you actually thinks we can't tell that you took the photo yourself and that it is, indeed, in your bathroom? The fact that your background has lovely items like your shower, bath towels, your robe, hairspray, and the toilet, tells us all we need to know. Calling a private detective not necessary, this one can be solved by a fucking monkey. Not to mention the most obvious clue, the reflection of you holding your phone in the mirror over the sink. While conducting a bathroom photo shoot, some decide to turn it into a Penthouse layout. Leaning forward, snapping the shot down the shirt, or bending over, legs spread, ass out...I've seen these poses and more. What are you thinking? You look more like you just hopped off the short bus than like a sex kitten.
Speaking of imagined sexiness, let's talk about older women taking bedtime photos under the guise of Tweeting good night to their followers. Seriously? Self-portraits of you, in bed, wearing full makeup, hair coiffed, making what you think are bedroom eyes at the camera on your phone are far from sexy. They are frightening, at best. The stuff of which nightmares are made. Some of you take it a step further and strike poses that shouldn't be done by anyone but a professional photographer. Why? They know how to keep it classy. You are a dirty ho, and so, have no idea that poses like that are supposed to be artfully done. You lift your legs like you are about to straddle a horse instead of gracefully crossing them. Shots taken down the length of your body should be reserved for swimsuit models only. You look fat, foolish, and trust me, cellulite is NOT your friend. Call Glamour Shots if you want some hot pics taken of you, and then, share them only with your partner. They love you just the way you are...we barely like you.
If you are sad, you probably shouldn't have a photo taken of you, nor should you use this time to photograph yourself. Nobody likes to deal with the depression of others, we laugh at you when you whine and moan in your stati. Pictures of you pouting like you just lost your best friend make us shoot coffee out our noses from laughing so hard. There are two reasons for this. One is that we really don't give a rat's smelly ass if you are sad. Friends talk to each other when they need a sounding board or to be cheered up, they don't humiliate themselves publicly by pouting and posting whiny stati. Two, and this is even more to the point, you really aren't sad, you just think you are so fucking cute when you pout. Whoever told you this lied through their teeth. Pouting stops being cute when you turn eight, ask anyone. Gullible butt monkey.
Tell me if this type of photo offends you as much as it does me. The recycled photo. I don't mean the ever popular "Throwback Thursday" photo, I enjoy those. Bring on those old, awkward, yet cute photos. A glimpse into your past is fun and I get to laugh at your funky 70's clothing and compare it with mine. Bangs, braces, wide collars, and gigantic bell-bottoms are retro fun and should be shared. Old high school pics of you with your lion's mane hair, lacquered in place by either Stiff Stuff or a can of Aqua Net make me smile...probably because I have some of the same pics of me tucked away. What is particularly offensive is the photo that gets return airtime because you know that 5-10 years ago you looked way better than you do now. Perhaps you had less wrinkles, weighed less, or had a better haircut. Whatever the reason, most of us know that photo is NOT recent, yet you pretend it is and sit back and wait for the phony compliments that come your way via all your FB stalkers. Own your old and put up one from today! Rock those wrinkles, you earned them. Let's age gracefully together rather than make this a competition for who has the younger appearance, because if so, you are cheating.
Bring back the laughing and smiling photos, the candid shots, and big beautiful smiles of our past. I am so tired of all the fake shit, forced poses, and ridiculously embarrassing shots you people bombard my timeline and Twitter feed with, that I feel like maybe serial killers have the right idea. Get rid of everyone that fits a certain mold and we will all be happier. But since murder is a capital offense, and jail doesn't suit me, I'll have to think of another way to rid myself of your asinine photo montages. Perhaps I'll just remove my one last filter and comment honestly on all pics that piss me off. I may have ten FB friends when I am done, but God will it feel GOOD! Are you friggin kidding me right now???
No comments:
Post a Comment