Read the signs, you are NOT dating this douche bag!

Douche bags can be male or female, so don't read into this what isn't there. I would just like to point out that there are many people who are blissfully unaware of their relationship status or lack thereof. Wanting so badly to have a partner in crime, some folks become inappropriately attached to another person who, by all appearances and possibly has specifically stated, is not their significant other.  There is such a thing as friends with benefits, they even made a movie out of it starring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake.  Not the finest cinema, but it makes my point pretty clear. Just like sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, sometimes a lay is just a lay.  It wasn't called friends with benefits back in my day, but the concept is older than dirt. Certain people do not make a good couple, but they get along well as friends, and are compatible in the sack.  Perfectly acceptable if you aren't married or otherwise attached. Satisfying a multitude of needs both emotional and physical without all the obligations and drama. Why can't some people just go with the program?
There are signs for those of you who are too ignorant to know what it is that you are actually doing. The first one, and this should be totally obvious, you've never met their family or friends. Unless you are admittedly so hideous that you've taken to not leaving the house for fear of scaring the general public, you should hear alarm bells going off when you haven't met anyone in this person's life. Of course, this doesn't mean that after one date, you meet the parents and best friend.  But, if you've been making the beast with two backs for quite some time now and you don't know whether she resembles her mother or father and her best friend is only known to you by name, start to wonder. If they are ashamed of you, pull your pants back up and introduce them to their new dates, right and left hand. However, if you know you are fairly attractive and there is no reason whatsoever that they should feel uncomfortable introducing you to the important people in their life, and they haven't after 6 or more months, they are hiding something.  A wife, a husband, or the fact that you are just a booty call.
The next sign is a little more confusing to some and perhaps since it doesn't always happen in a formal way, you may not expect to see it. If you've not had a talk about your relationship and given it some definition, chances are it isn't a relationship at all. This is not to say that you need to have a planned sit-down with the other person, complete with contracts to sign that state rules and regulations. That's overkill and not what I mean. But, if you haven't discussed exclusivity, what we are doing, or where are we going...one of you is not fully invested in this. They may care about you deeply, but they are most certainly not committed to you at all. Avoidance of this conversation is very telling and should tip you off to the low level you sit upon in their list of priorities.
Number three should be painfully obvious, but desperation is a great reality filter. If your horizontal mambo partner never calls you on the weekend, they are waving a gigantic red flag in your face.  Pay attention to it and decide whether or not you are happy being in a purely sexual relationship.  Again, if you are consenting to those parameters and have zero expectations beyond friendship and nookie, have at it.  More power to you, enlightenment is thy middle name. However, if you have any expectations of love whatsoever, open your goddamn eyes, see the red flag that is two inches from your face, and run.  Run far and run fast. Get out of this farcical performance you've been cast in, and find someone who fits the entire bill for you. Remember, weekends are generally reserved for actual dates and family time.  Could he or she have a spouse? If there are no weekend calls, all signs point to married.  I repeat, RUN!

If you've never been to their humble abode, you've hit number four. The excuse of the messy apartment can only be stretched so far. Even if you are a total Oscar Madison tornado, you've come to terms with it over the course of your life, and don't hide your living space from the entire world.  I'm sure you've had friends come to your place.  They probably step over the pizza boxes and shove the beer cans to the side to make space for sitting on your couch. This is you, all you, and they accept it.  Wouldn't a person you are dating, who loves you, shares their time and body with you, also accept it? I'd like to believe they would, and it is that belief that causes me to want to shake you until the contrecoup damage matches your degree of stupid when you say that you've never been to their home, yet many, almost countless visits have been made to yours. Not convinced yet?
Have you been introduced to anyone yet?  Are you referred to simply by name or as a friend?  Guess what, sharp tack, that is all you are to them. When people are in a committed relationship and are formally introducing their other half, titles are used and expected.  While my husband and I may have started as friends, and continue to be so twenty years of marriage later, he still introduces me to new people as his WIFE.  That's who I am, a title I've long since earned. The State of New York bestowed it upon me on June 6th, 1992, and I proudly use it to this day. If your title, whether it is girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, or whatever you've agreed upon isn't used, let this be the warning sign that opens your eyes to the current situation.  You are NOT in a committed relationship. You are simply a convenient lay. And you've just experienced sign number five.
Can you cancel plans at the last minute with no drama or fanfare from them? No?  Then you have stumbled upon number six. Most people have unexpected crap pop up on them once in a great while.  That is the nature of being a person in today's world. Things happen, unforeseen emergencies, family crises, or even something work-related can throw a wrench into the best-laid plans. In a normal, healthy relationship, it may cause disappointment, but it wouldn't cause utter upset and chaos.  When you are the sideshow and not the main event, it takes careful plotting and planning to orchestrate your trysts. Making sure the wife is suitably occupied for the proper amount of time so you can get it in before she comes home takes time and effort.  When you ask to switch a Tuesday "date" to Thursday, you don't know what you are asking.  His wife is home on Thursdays! Don't you understand, she has bowling on Tuesdays, not Thursdays and that won't work at all!!! Right, you don't know she even exists. Are you still in denial? Ok, moving forward.
Number seven is directly related to numbers six and three. Do all your dates happen on weekdays? They do and you still think this is a healthy relationship? Pull your head out of your ass so you can read this. We've already discussed how weekends are most popular for family time and DATES. Why is this?  Well, for starters, people work and go to school during the week.  This process is tiring and time-consuming and doesn't lend itself to late night partying on Wednesdays, for example.  Hell, I have enough trouble with Friday night outings, my ass is just too exhausted by that point. So, since we've established that, generally, most nighttime outings take place on weekends, and you have never gotten together on a Saturday, would this be the time you are face palming and feeling absolutely ridiculous?  It should. Even if your slap and tickle friend isn't married, they also aren't involved with you other than to ride the hobby horse. They are spending their weekends doing something fun...without you.
Have you accompanied him to any event that he's been obligated to attend?  You know, birthday parties, weddings, work functions that allow bringing a "plus one" or just Thanksgiving at his mom's house? My guess is you haven't.  How can you NOT find this at least weird if not totally unacceptable?  Number eight should be your wake up throat punch. When he is invited to fun events like these, where a date is not only acceptable but expected, and you are always left home, demand to know why.  I already know, but you should hear it from his mouth. Force him to explain why he won't take you to his friend's wedding, after you've seen the invitation which clearly states that he may, indeed, bring a date. After he attempts to tell you how bored you would be or that the guys that will be there are drunk and obnoxious and he is trying to protect you from their antics, inform him that he can hide his sausage up their asses from now on because your highway to heaven is now and forever officially closed to him. Which probably won't affect him too much since his real girlfriend is still available to bump uglies with him.
This was meant to be a PSA for those of you in this situation, to help you recognize the signs and finally cut bait.  It's time you saw your situation clearly and without the rose-colored filter you've wrapped it in. If any one of these flags are being waved at you, stop being such a goddamn fool and end this nonsense before you get your heart broken. Because, you will. That is a promise I can make and keep.  Your heart is nothing but a trampoline for this person and you are allowing it to be used as such because you live in a fantasy world where one day, it will all change and this will be the relationship you've always imagined it already was.  It's not, it won't, and you are such a fucking ass clown. Are you friggin kidding me right now???