The only way to inform you about what constitutes a real friend, is to tell you what one is NOT. Having 765 Facebook friends means absolutely nothing. All it means is that you've come across bunches of people who enjoy hanging out on the internet pretending to know you and who like to comment on your stati. Trust me when I tell you, we all know you haven't even met 1/8 of those people and the rest are either family members and HAVE to be your FB friend or are actual acquaintances or old classmates. That isn't saying much to help your case. Just because you post a pic and get 28 "likes" doesn't mean those people give a flying fuck about you OR the pic. Surprise! Some people hit the "like" button because they troll FB glancing at pics and stati and feel obligated to acknowledge the shit they see. Others, by virtue of believing in reciprocity, will like your crap just so you will like theirs. Sorry I just burst your happy little bubble.
The same goes for any other social media site. Twitter followers are even less likely to be someone you know. I can easily attest to that fact since I have over 200 followers and I think I know a handful of them. Twitter is most definitely an internet popularity contest with some folks having thousands of followers. Of course, remember, Twitter suggests followers based on what you tweet. If you are an avid baseball fan, you'll be matched up with other like-minded people. I've found it to be a place where people either try to be philosophical or perverse...in a competitive way. But, this is most definitely NOT a friend-making forum. Do not be fooled. In reality, many of the women are actually guys. I'm sure I crushed a ton of men at this point. Their avi is just that, an avi. I can put one up of a fucking goldfish, it doesn't mean I live in a bowl. There are a lot of sick people out there, most of them tweet all day long. Try reality on for size, butt munch.
I won't even go into Instagram too deeply because you all know how I feel about a site that encourages delusions of grandeur and abundant conceit. I will tell you that most of your Instagram followers are also not friends, just people who share the incessant need to post photos of themselves and their every move every minute of every day. This does not make them your friend, even though you actually share a common trait, unfounded self-importance. All that means is you are a group of pompous assholes. Which, if you actually met, could lead to a beautiful friendship. But since that isn't likely to happen, you are just internet jackoffs. Shared vanity doesn't make you life-long friends. Again, these people ascribe to the reciprocity standard and really, really want you to like their crap, so they are sure to like every ridiculous close-up of your ugly-ass face, every cocktail you ingest, every tree you pass by, and other assorted nonsensical photos you post like your goddamn life depends on the volume of photos shared.
Jumping off the internet and into the realm of the real world, not every person you meet is your friend. Did I just lose a few of you? Coming into contact with another human, even if with some frequency, does not make them your best buddy. It means you met someone new and are possibly getting to know them on a level deeper than let's say, your local Starbucks barista. This person is not your friend, they are your acquaintance. In life you will have tons of acquaintances. Living your life as a semi-functioning adult, you will come into contact with more people than you have time to count. Work, shopping, hobbies, movie theaters, farmer's markets, post offices, doctor's offices, or just walking down the street will put you into close proximity with hundreds, even thousands of people dependent upon where you live. They are not your friends, nor should you refer to them as such. Do not attempt to invite them to important events in your life, they don't care about you or your wife's 40th birthday party. Filling a room with strangers is pitiful. Although the strangers that actually show up are a special kind of pathetic. But that is definitely an entirely different topic.
I suppose you'd have to know how to BE a friend to actually have real friends. Spending inordinate amounts of time on the internet engaged in what you believe to be witty banter doesn't make you friend material. How can it, you don't have real conversations with people on social media, not usually. Do you know all their kids' names and where they attend school? Where does that person work? Where were they born? What makes them happy/sad/frustrated? Do they have any physical ailments? What is their first pet's name? Favorite color? What is their relationship with their parents like? Right, you know none of this because they haven't posted wittily or philosophically about it on your favorite social media website, complete with gag-inducing photos. A friend knows everything about you and likes you anyway. They listen when they don't feel like it. They answer the phone at any hour just because it's you. They drop what they are doing because you need them NOW. They empathize with you even if they don't fully understand why you are so freaking upset in the first place, because it's what you need to hear. You think you have friends. You are sadly mistaken. Are you friggin kidding me right now???
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