Note to politicians: stay the hell out of my uterus!

After reading the last issue of Cosmopolitan, I discovered what I had already suspected was true.  Politicians are a bunch of completely sexist male assholes with no clue what decade it is or what being a woman is all about. Most of us have always known this but for some unknown and godforsaken reason, this election has brought out the window licker in so many, that rather than get all stabby, I decided to share this information with you. There's nothing quite like the joy I feel while listening to or reading about someone else's opinion based upon close to nothing regarding my body and the choices I can or cannot make about it. Yet, ever since Roe v. Wade, male politicians have continued to argue about whether or not a woman is intelligent enough to make decisions about her well-being and future. Ladies, tell me you don't find this at least mildly offensive.
I'd like to start back in 1990 when former Republican Texas gubernatorial contender, Clayton Williams, gave his sage advice about rape. He said, "As long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it." Cute, huh? Basically, after being scared shitless, brutally attacked, possibly beaten, clothing torn off of your body, and forcibly and likely painfully penetrated by a dirty dong, you really should just take a deep breath and get into it.  I know, maybe you should start kissing his neck and calling him "baby" while massaging his balls? Scream "harder" while digging your nails into his ass cheeks? If you are supposed to enjoy it, then the next step would be to ask for some cunnilingus so you can finish, too. What the fuck was that cock knocker thinking when he opened his yap and let that bit of genius spill out for all to hear? Maybe someone should break a beer bottle and shove it up his bung hole repeatedly so he gets the concept of what rape really is, which is a control and power trip. It is most certainly not solely about sex, but a way to exercise control over a woman.  Guess the barefoot, banjo-picking, shotgun toting, toothless, cousin-fucking redneck didn't know.
Moving forward to 2011, many male fucktards made their uninformed opinions public. In April of that year, Rep. Allen West (R-FL), said this, "These Planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women have been neutering American men to the point of incredible weakness...We are not going to have our men become subservient." Really? Does the existence of places where women can go take charge of their reproductive health frighten you? Does a clinic make your pee pee shrivel up? What about it neuters you? Nobody asked you to follow us in when we are getting our prescriptions for birth control and have your nuts hacked off. We wouldn't need birth control if you'd take care of the situation on your own. Maybe that's why we have to do it, there isn't a male pill yet and God knows, condoms are nobody's favorite drugstore purchase.  Or perhaps, we are more responsible and behave like adults, while guys tend to think with their tallywhackers. Regardless of the reason, it would seem that this buffoon feels emasculated by women who take care of their lady parts, keeping them healthy and properly protected. Grow a pair!
That same month, over in Arizona, Sen. Jon Kyl proclaimed, "[Abortions make up] well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does." I suppose this information was gleaned from his vast experience with the good people of Planned Parenthood and their variety of services. The reality is, only 3 percent of their services actually involve abortion. Slightly different figures...I imagine math wasn't our boy, Jon's strongest subject in school. Based upon his negative opinions about reproductive freedom, he must not have been a big hit with the ladies, either.
In August 2012, there was a burst of true intelligence out of the mouths of more ball-bearing politicians that made me want to junk punch them. They decided to sugar coat the issue of rape again, but using a whole new spin this time. Former Republican Arkansas Governor, Mike Huckabee, saw a light at the end of the rape tunnel, the "upside" of rape. Because, as we all know, some good shit can come out of a rape, as he so brilliantly states, "[Singer] Ethel Waters, for example, was the result of forcible rape." Oh, so if you get pregnant after being viciously raped, that's a good thing? And, you should most certainly carry that little reminder to term so you can be forever faced with his eyes for the rest of your life as you gaze at your unwanted, unplanned, result of violence for the next 18 years? Makes total sense now, thanks, dickweed. Do explain the difference between forcible and non-forcible rape because I am confused. By definition, rape IS without the victim's consent, thereby making it forcible all the fucking time.

Of course, Vice-Presidential candidate, Rep. Paul Ryan, backed up that joyful bit of advice when he said, "The method of conception doesn't change the definition of life." Right. When a married couple who had intended to eventually have children find themselves faced with a surprise pregnancy, that's one thing.  It may be stressful, poor timing, financially difficult, but it doesn't compare with the woman who, after being beaten and raped, finds herself pregnant with the child of the person who violated her in the most horrific manner possible. Can you honestly compare the two and call them equal? How about if I lowered the age of the woman to thirteen? Does that change your opinion now? Or should a child who is still in middle school, barely having started puberty, have to endure pregnancy, childbirth, and ruin the rest of her life to keep a child she never asked for in the first place?  I know she definitely didn't ask to be forced to have sex with a stranger. I guess when you don't have a vagina, you can't comprehend the horror.  Allow me to shove Sharpie up your peehole to demonstrate. Then you can pass a canteloupe out of your asshole to emulate the closest sensation to childbirth you'll ever encounter. Feeling it yet?  Here's the problem, you won't be stuck with a reminder of that day, reopening those wounds over and over and over.  She will.
Naturally, someone had to add insult to injury and take it one step further. Good old boy, Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo), informed us of this radical new scientific fact, "If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that whole thing down." Okay, so, first we need to define legitimate rape. Returning to our dear friend, Clayton Williams, who wants you to lie back and enjoy it, you can then not call that legitimate because well, at his insistence it became consensual. But, should you have not heeded his advice, and were violated without your consent, forcibly, then at that point, I'm guessing it became legitimate. As such, according to Mr. Akin, you shouldn't really worry about it because your body will prevent pregnancy all on its own. Is that why an estimated 25,000 pregnancies result from rape each year? Seems like the faultiest birth control method I've ever heard of right after coitus interruptus. Thank God no intelligent woman took that man seriously.

Speaking of birth control, our lovable friend and former presidential hopeful, Rick Santorum, had this to say in 2011, "One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country...[Contraception] is not okay.  It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be." What Ricky is telling us is that we would have no need for such evils as Planned Parenthood, contraceptives, or abortions if we would just stop having sex outside of marriage.  Although, I am not positive he is pro-marital sex either. All the single ladies would just have to stick a Bayer aspirin between their knees since it's the only acceptable contraception to help them keep their whorish legs closed, as Ricky's good pal and sugar daddy, Foster Friess told America. Excellent! Now that you've said contraception shouldn't even exist, you've just raised the unwanted pregnancy rate to epic proportions and because you definitely would shut down any doctor or clinic that offered pregnancy terminations, there would be tens of thousands of young, poverty-stricken mothers lining the welfare offices daily. What next? Bringing back slavery? What a douche canoe!
Any rationally thinking, semi-intelligent woman could not take seriously the opinion of men who would place us back five or so decades, plopping us in kitchens barefoot and pregnant, serving our husbands dutifully. Take away my right to birth control? Stay the fuck out of my uterus and I'll keep my foot out of your asshole. Downplay the definition and lasting effects of rape on a woman? Wait till it's your sister...or daughter. Some jackasses need to learn the hard way.  Would any of these jerkwads tell their kid to just lie back and enjoy it if they were to be attacked in that way? I'd bet in that moment, shit would start to get real for them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  Those dictate what work best for you and your family. However, backwards, old fashioned opinions have no place in my ovaries, so I suggest you keep them to yourself. But now that I have heard them, don't think for a moment that I'd vote for your ass. Are you friggin kidding me right now???